What Do I Want?

Being at home for over a month has given me a lot of time to think. Some good thoughts. Some not so good thoughts. But a dominant thought entering the depths of my overworked brain is, “What do I want after all of this?” Big, loaded questions this is. Well, it is to me. I haven’t allowed myself to keep this question in my mind over the past few years. I was scared that the answer would tell me to leave the miserable marriage that I was trying to make better and save and start only taking care of myself. I would sit in movie theaters and dream of the days working on sets and acting in those independent and major motion films. I would watch TV and miss my days of running scripts, working late night crashes for the live show and watching Saturday Night Live from the balcony every Saturday. I happily gave up these dreams for a future with a great family of my own. I stayed in a town that was not a definition of who I am, but did so for the promise of a good, happy life. I learned a valuable lesson in the past 19 years…don’t build your life on someone else’s promise. Especially someone whom I did not know all that well; I mean I really only knew what he told me about himself and from his not-so-reliable friends. I did have someone warn me about him and who he is. I had signs, many signs that would have scared most people. But his love bombing and creation of who he wanted me to see was very strong. I wanted to believe him. I knew I was worthy of a promise like this. I know I am worthy of a promise like this. I was and am worthy of truly being loved, so why wouldn’t this be truth that he loved me this way and it was worth giving up my dreams for him and our future family?

Well, my family isn’t the promise that I was gifted all those years ago. I was promised something and promised the same in return…faithful, loyal, respect, love, friendship and safety. I gave all of those through all the years. I never once cheated; I respected him as a person and as my husband; I loved him through all his ups and downs and supported him through recovery from drugs and women issues; I was his friend, partner and lover; I tried to make a safe place for him to recover and grow into the person he constantly said that he wanted to be. With extreme sadness, he did not keep his promises to me. He cheated many times with many women and in many different ways over the years; He didn’t respect me or our vows with honesty and loyalty; He lied to and manipulated me since we started dating (I didn’t even realize most of it until now); He couldn’t have loved me because love doesn’t hurt someone, watch them cry in pain and do it again and again; He did offer me friendship as long as I didn’t challenge his lies or secrets or addictions (his “friends” always support his all of his choices); He didn’t give me safety when I couldn’t rely on him for protecting me and my heart. The only promise that was kept was the promise of children. We had talked about having 3 or 4 children. He told me that he wanted many little pairs of feet running around and that he wanted a big family and yada yada yada. I was so sad that the third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and marked the end of trying for me as his addiction and affairs escalated just before that awful day. I loved being a mom and wife so much. I never thought I would be married or have kids. I was going to be an “Auntie Mame” type woman. But I was greatly surprised that this life me something that I never had known would bring such large amounts of happiness and love…children. He said he wanted all this and I blindly believed his words which turned out to be empty of honesty and value.

Now I am a very happy mother of two wonderful souls that bring me unbelievable amounts of joy and love. I never knew being a mother would be this amazing. I loved being a wife just as much. I spent my days enjoying things that brought them happiness and love from my enormous heart. Now I give all that love to my two children and dog. The wife part of my life has been erased and I have let it go…completely let it go. I have to be okay with this. I will be okay with this. I am okay with this. Not being a wife and sharing in the work of the family and financial life with my husband and partner, has made me consider now what I want in life to fill that vacant part. What do I want to do now? Do I want to take back my dreams of film and television? Do I want to pursue my dreams of writing? Do I want to reach my dreams of creating art for other to appreciate? Do I want to pack my dreams in a suitcase and travel the world? So many ideas. So much to think about while staying home. Where to start? Where to go?

I have decided that this is God’s gift of a new life. Perhaps God took me here to make me better for the path I was on before meeting this person who beat me down to a bottom that I never imagined possible. I have to forget about the promises that an unreliable person gave to me and threw out like the trash. I am not trash. My dreams are not trash. They were just shelved by me years back. Now I am taking them off the shelf and reviewing them, carefully reviewing them. I am thinking that my passion to create a lasting impact through words and art is my calling. I will start where I can. I have an amazing voice full of pain, love, compassion and honesty. I have the gifts of creativity to enhance this voice. So get ready! Here I come to conquer the world of film, TV, writing and art. Just can’t wait to see which one will sprout first for me and show my children that their mom can do it on her own. And to show me that I can do it on my own like I have for so many years before I met a man who made me feel so “less than.” Thanks to him, I have gotten stronger because I had to get stronger while knowing I was completely alone these past years and did it. We all can be better and take our dreams back and get what we want from life if we just meditate on our souls to find what that is.

Breathe Out Broken Promises from Someone, Breathe In New Promises to Yourself. Breathe Out Grief, Breathe In Progress. Breathe Out Worry, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Old Ways, Breathe In Renewed Spirit.

What Day Is It Anyway?

The day, the time, the date…anyone know? Doesn’t it seem like when you get up in the morning that there is no rush, nor urgency to be anywhere? Snooze on the alarm doesn’t hold much power anymore. Especially on a day like today when the rain is falling from the thick dark clouds and cool winds are pushing you back under the covers. I think a great description for me on these days is motivational slumber. Lack of things to really do on a time schedule. Lack of urgency other than getting back to the latest binge watch. But there are urgent items on my list. Feels like these days, they are written in invisible ink and I can’t find the flashlight to see them.

So today I am going to sit down and really embrace those items I don’t want to see. The emotional pain that I need to deal with today. The mental stresses of the future that I need to start sorting through and getting things in order and ready. The physical relief that I can get from some exercise and movement. All of these things can help my inner peace and patience. I read my nightly inspiration before bed last night and it talked about patience. Patience is really the key to so much these days. Patience can make daily functions easier and more tolerable. Patience can give us clearer vision free from the obstructions of anger, sadness and fear. Patience can calm our hearts and minds to take on only that which we can handle that day. Patience is what breathes life into the Alanon and AA saying…One Day at a Time! Why I called this blog, Breathe, One Day at a Time. Patience with ourselves; patience with others; patience with the world around us. Patience is the key for today to not feel that you have to solve your divorce today, to figure out where you will work again, to figure out where you will live in a few months, to figure out the details of anything. You can solve only what you can. You can get ready for the divorce to end but not make it all happen today. You can look at jobs, get your resume ready and maybe even start sending it out to get ahead of the others applying. You can review housing options in different areas. You can save $10 here and $15 there to pay off something in a few months. It will all be okay. It may not be “the okay” that you wanted but it will be okay. I believe that. I have faith that God will never work so hard for us to good only to hurt us. It is hard for many of us to trust because we have been hurt by trusting others way too many times. Patience…you will get there. I am still a work in progress but at least I am working towards betterment. Some days better than others. But I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be honest. And being honest with myself will lead to being patient with what I can handle that day and progress will come naturally.

So today I wish you all well with your movement towards betterment and peace. Have patience with yourself. Do not allow the bad days to not cause guilt or shame or anger. We all have them and they are great tools to getting through the pain with strength and grace. Sending love and support to everyone today.

Breathe Out for 10 seconds and Breathe In for 10 Seconds…do this five times, 7 if needed and have the patience you need to get through today.

Feel Like I Have Been Living In “The Handmaid’s Tale”

Did you ever watch The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu? During this Quarantine, I have been binge watching it in the down times. Wow. All I can say is, “Wow!” At first, I thought this was a real far stretch as an alternate world that could only be in books and movies. No one could take over and ambush the souls of so many so quickly and so strongly. Right? Right. I had to believe that. Because a world where women were just weaker and so insignificant seems so, well, unrealistic.

But after watching episode after episode after episode, it became more real than fiction. It became a visual impersonation of what it is like to live with severe narcissism. It felt painful and searing in my heart that the torture and imprisonment that these women were under was all too real. It was what I felt. Like I was being subjected to stay in a house where I had an evil commander using me to have his kids and make him look powerful and important but I was just someone he used to get that done. I could’ve been any other girl in a red dress with the right parts. It didn’t matter. I was being used for the person that I was. For what I had to give him. I was chosen because I could properly fill his need. I could play the role of a good wife and mother. I could fulfill his need for love, affection and attention as a solid wife and partner when he didn’t have “another woman” to fill his ego-driven needs. I was a faithful woman to make him feel that special attention that only a faithful wife can. I spent years helping friends and women in the Ala-non and affair recovery programs feel better and heal and sometimes get out of the bonds keeping them attached. But I stayed and endured. I stayed and tolerated. I stayed and got more and more hurt by his behaviors. I never wanted to be a victim or weak. So I was strong for everyone else, except myself. I carried on like I was fine, okay and even normal. But I wasn’t. I was growing more and more empty with each passing year. I just wanted to make my children feel like this was a solid, happy family. Like we were normal. These women in the show, they pretend these babies are their babies. They pretend to give birth to them. She pretends even if the child is completely different race, that it is her child. I pretended we were a happy, normal family for so many years. I started to believe my own lies in my head. Finding needles in the laundry isn’t normal. Being in the car as family and a text shows up on the screen reading, “Sweetie, I want sex.”; isn’t normal. Having another woman and her kids sleep in our house with our kids while I am visiting with family isn’t normal. Having a child come to me crying with a needle in his hand and knowing what it is, isn’t normal. Having daddy constantly disappearing or leaving early, isn’t normal. Having daddy falling asleep on the couch just after getting up everyday, isn’t normal. Having daddy disappear at Disney to go to a close-by bathroom, isn’t normal. Having daddy forget Mother’s Day one year, isn’t normal. Having daddy choose his friends over his family and say that out loud, isn’t normal. Yet I made these things okay, fine or tolerable by me so it seemed normal to them. I made excuses for him. I made excuses to myself for his behaviors. So that I felt less pain. So I didn’t crumble under the truth. They knew as they got older and saw friend’s families in action…that what we had isn’t normal. What had I done? Why had I lied to myself? Why had I let them live this lie too?

I was not different then these women in the show. I was sweeping all of his male egos under the rug and pretending it was okay. Pretending that I was okay. Pretending that it was all okay. I realized watching this show that I am a piece of each of these female roles in this new harsh society called Gilead.

I was part submissive Wife of the Commander. I had the family and pretended it was all normal. I knew my husband went astray. (Never knew to the extent that I do know now). I knew that it was a double standard and I could not do that or else I would be beaten up by him with a very mean and harsh divorce or worse. He would break me in some way for not being faithful to him; he was the greatest thing that could have happened to me and an amazing husband in his eyes and mind. I was to know and accept the other women happened and move on with him and forgive and forget. No questions asked. At least I didn’t have to sit and watch him and women like in Gilead. But I did have to read many different texts and emails to and from many different women that were as visual as being in the room. And as hard to forget ever reading.

I was part Handmaid. I was asked to lay with him in hopes of making babies for our image. Don’t get me wrong I wanted children so badly. I wanted the family. I was devastated when I lost one at 39 during the first month. But it was God’s hand in that because he was using drugs and cheating at the time and it only got much worse after that. I was asked to also be submissive to him and not asked questions or doubt him in any way. I was criticized if I thought differently about him and his actions that were inflicting extreme pain on me. I walked on eggshells to not upset or stir the pot and bring anger to my days. It was exhausting and depressing at the same time. I felt so trapped in emotions of fear, sadness, confusion and frustration.

I was part Martha. I cooked and cleaned and stayed home to take care of the “chores”. I was actually subtly criticized at times if the house wasn’t clean enough or I didn’t feel like making dinner. I had to ask if I could buy things because I felt guilty spending his hard earned money because I just stayed at home with the kids. I didn’t just come up with that feeling. It was slowly implanted with sarcasm and little comments over time. To remind me how lucky I was to have a husband like him. The money was never what I wanted. I wanted love and security in my partner’s faithfulness to me and us.

I was part a Jezebel. I acted like his sleazy girlfriend too. This part is one thing of marriage that I enjoyed. That feeling of being safe and sexual with one person. No fears of what just having sex meant. Safety in fidelity. But I was just another Jezebel in his show. I was maybe Monday and Saturday nights. The other nights were filled with other Jezebels working that shift. There was no physical safety there. I had to endure three std tests. So frightening and humiliating for a married woman.

It is crazy how one show can bring so many emotions to the surface. How one show can make an understanding of a complex, not normal situation. How one show can have such a profound affect on the healing process of Narcissistic Abuse. This really is a closer look at Narcissism and the extreme effects it has on those around the person inflicted with this heinous illness. I was extremely affected by the heinous illness of Narcissism. I am extremely affected by the heinous illness of Narcissism. Some of these women got out and escaped to Canada, the free safe land. They carried the pain and scars suffered under Gilead. I escaped from the tyrannical forces of Narcissism but I will always carry the scars and pains of living under its harsh hands and words. I will adjust my sails for calmer waters but I will always have those inner scars to remind me to never go back. To remind me that that is a place I do not belong. To remind me that normal is love. Normal is a family that doesn’t have to pretend. Normal is a family that feels safe. Normal is a family that supports each other. Normal is trust. Normal is honesty. Normal is acceptance and understanding. Normal is being a family completely together. Normal is now. Normal is wanting to escape to safety in “Canada”. Normal is starting over and healing in my own way and time.

Breathe Out Suppression, Breathe In Freedoms. Breathe Out Pretending, Breathe In Honesty. Breathe Out Staying in Pain, Breathe In Leaving for Peace. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Safety. Breathe Out Isn’t Normal, Breathe In Normal.

God speed on this journey to freedoms from pain, sadness and not being enough. You are worth it all and deserve it all.

Why is it so hard to heal?

I have spent a year trying to heal after leaving him, finally. I mean really heal. I finally blocked his number. I only emailed about money and kids during our separation and divorce process. I tried to only email. Somethings, when in this awful process, are not email worthy. Sometimes you need a quick response or to actually talk about it. Or you want him to know you do exist and are not the ghost like he treats you as. But this just is so painful for me. Such a trigger to hear the anger and irritation in his voice. The same sound that has plagued me for years with criticism, lies, harsh words, denials and manipulations. The same voice that used to tell me he promised us a future. The same voice that promised to love me and never hurt me like I was before. The same voice that denied way too many times to count that he wasn’t cheating or ever had sex with someone. The same voice that swore on his own kids’ and his father’s lives at times when he was lying (as I found out much later). The same voice that used his twisted mind to yell at me when I was crying, not just tears but sobbing, about the pain I felt from another sign of a women or drugs that I had found. The same voice that talked in circles and changed his stories four or five times to make me the crazy one for even thinking that he was cheating or using drugs again or doubting him in any way. Then the same voice that would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to change and make our marriage better the very next day. Only to find out that he was just worried that he would get caught because he was cheating with one or more women. Because he was using drugs. Because I was right and on to his lies and secrets. He hated to be exposed for his lies.

I was constantly punished for realizing the lies and secrets that he was holding. I was always the bad guy because he was not keeping his promises and vows to me and our marriage. I never cheated. I never lived another life behind his back. I was his wife and only his wife. I was a mother and loved every minute of it. I was thankful and appreciative for his hard work. I tried to show him that with cards, flowers, gifts, meals, texts, etc. But nothing was good enough. I never felt good enough. I was compared to other women. “You should dress like that.” Or, “Your hair would great that color.” I would dress like that, wasn’t good enough. I would change my hair color, not good enough. I was starting to break down into a pile of nothingness because he was making me believe that that is exactly what I was…nothing. He made me believe this when he spoke with his painful voice filled with criticisms, anger, lies, manipulations and false promises. He had me trapped in his web of deceit and I had no idea how entangled I was. Now I realize, but the damage has been done. He had spun me so tight that I couldn’t move. He never fully killed me. Just drained me enough to ensure that I would not go too far. He needed me in a way. He needed to look like a successful family man. Strippers, young sleazy girls and other addicts looking for fun don’t make you look successful at all. I was just a prisoner for his facade.

I know you are thinking, “Why didn’t she leave sooner?” Great question. I wish that I had an answer for that one. I really wish I had an answer for that one. But I was so exhausted and so beaten up that I couldn’t move. I didn’t think I could do it on my own. He had me believing that I needed him. He had me so confused and hurt. I just wanted him to love me like I loved him. And I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I mean I was a great wife to him. I loved him and treated him well. I was not denying him any pleasure at all. I tried date nights all dressed up as sexy as I could get or just sitting in front of a fire watching a movie with a great dinner. I even gave up drinking wine or alcohol in front of him unless he told me he wanted me to have a glass…I did this for 10 years for him. He was supposedly clean and sober and I wanted to support that. He wasn’t clean and sober for 90% of our relationship, so I have found out now. Painful living a lie for so long and you thought it was the truth.

That is why I hurt so much now. Acceptance is so tough when you don’t even understand what you are accepting. There is no clear definition of truth and lies anymore. There is no validation from him because he doesn’t believe the truth. He is still living in the lies and denials of the past as the truth and said he would not go there to help us or me ever. I don’t even know what was real between us. So I have just had to embrace it all as the reality I never understood and that I was not part of it in the way I had thought. I have had to accept so many more women and drugs and people and issues and pain than I ever thought possible. This has not been easy in any way over this past year of learning the truths that lurked in the shadows for 18 years. When you loved someone and believed in them so much and they turn out to not be that person…What do you do with that? Where do you start?

So in trying to heal this year, I burned all my wedding photos of us together. I burned all the photos of us together at any time. I had to burn the past that I was not the truth so that I could move on from the false reality of love and promises to the honest reality of betrayal and pain that was our marriage. It has made it easier to move past the past, but at times it just hurts so much that I wasn’t loved in return. I know people, who deal with addiction, narcissism, sociopathic tendencies and other personality issues, cannot really ever love anyone but themselves. Knowing this makes it better but not always easier. It is a process that can take years to recover from the severe emotional abuse and triggers of trauma. I am willing to work all the way through that. I just wish on days like this that it would move faster towards peace and serenity and not feeling so abused and taken advantage of by the person you gave your heart to. But sadly some people still cannot care about your pain because they would have to accept their part in it to care. I seems he cannot accept his part as he dumps his past off the cliff and just walks away towards a new life. I know that I am a good person and don’t deserve this pain given to me by him. I deserve better. I deserved better. I will get better for myself and someone will treat me better when I do heal. I am not the bad person that he has made me out to be nor was I the problem in our marriage. I tried my best to reach him and save us and our family. I couldn’t do that alone and that is well, that is okay. One day at a time I will get better and stronger and the past will be burned like the photos on that summer evening. And my occasional pain will just be a reminder of what I deserve and what I will no longer accept in my life.

I know I usually do the Breathe Out, Breathe In….Today just BREATHE IN and OUT and feel better

Who Is This Stranger I Was With?

Time at home like this makes those procrastinated projects jump to the front of the line. Like Winnie the Pooh says, “Oh bother.” It isn’t just about cleaning and organizing for some of us though. It is an effort in emotional control because the stuff we are organizing is filled with pain and confusion and can lead to awful triggers that take you down a very dark rabbit hole. I can stumble upon an airline ticket in a piece of luggage and remember the trip like it was yesterday, yet it was really years ago. Some of the trips bring up good memories of moments where I experienced family adventures that I never could have expected. Some trips bring up so much pain and sadness that it feels as if the moment is again in real time. Triggers are tricky. The good ones can help a bad day, but the bad ones can open an almost healed wound that hurts for days. Many of the “memories” I come across in cleaning and organizing make me think a lot. Think a lot about what, why and who? The most confusing and heartbreaking is who. Who is this person in the photograph? Who is this man that I married? Why does he not even resemble this old picture anymore? How does that happen?

I look at those pictures and think to myself why would someone pretend to be someone else for so long? How can they do that? This man looking back at me in those pictures is not the man of today. He is not the man who I saw years ago smile at me and laugh for good reasons. How did I see someone so different than now? He is that person and always was that person who is standing there today. He didn’t get worse. I just wasn’t allowed to see the worse. As I am reading in my book “Splitting” about divorcing a narcissist, I realize that these men and women wear masks. Many many masks that are different for everyone they come in contact with on their daily walk. My ex-husband wore many masks but I never got to see the real man behind them until we separated. It is a person filled with so much darkness and pain who wants to project all that onto those who finally see him for who he really is. It is like looking behind the curtain of Oz but he doesn’t reward you with a heart. It is more like he peels off that man costume and out comes the Wicked Witch of the West to torture you for revealing her cover. She doesn’t give you a heart, she takes your heart right out of your chest and laughs as the blood drips down her hands onto your feet. And then the flying monkeys enter and use your heart in a game of keep away. Every so often throw it the Wicked Witch as she pierces it with her long black nails and watches the blood drip more with a smile on her face. Wonder why they call narcissist’s aides flying monkeys? The narcissist has them so hyped on believing his lies that they do as he says and think he is a great leader. They see you as the awful person he has made drawn you as. I heard from others that I have been portrayed as a mean wife and mother (farthest thing from the truth). Crazy how at the end of the movie, when the witch melted away, they realize how wrong it all was and how controlled they were. And they see Dorothy for who she really is…a good person just wanting her family and home back. Sound familiar? Finally that movie makes more sense to me.

These masks are laid out in full color as I look through the photographs in the storage room. Whether he was playing rich and powerful businessman to those he wanted to impress, a loving husband to me, a doting father and husband to his family, a rich, single man to women, a man who can do what he wants to his friends, an addict to his aa group, etc. Why can’t you just be one person with one life and be that person to everyone? I have learned the answer to that is rather simple but yet very complicated. It is called narcissism, sociopath and borderline personality disorders that affect these people’s souls and minds. It is NOT an excuse, it is an answer. We need answers to feel like we are not crazy from the many faces we can meet in one day with this person. This person tells me that he loves me and just me and would never cheat on me while he is secretly sexting other women. He tells me he loves me when he comes home for having sex with one of them and lies about where he was with zero remorse. He tells his friends about his secret girls like they are trophies and make him a better man because he has a wife and girlfriends and no one is the smarter except him. He tells his kids that he wants to build his family a great home for all of us to live together and have a great future. Yet the reality is that he spending the money on other things and lending to “friends” to make him look better to these women and so-called friends where his ego is all powerful. This man wants to be the hero to everyone but his own family. I see this in all these triggers that I find on my organizing project. Pictures of his past that paint a better picture of the college guy who never really grew up. Pictures that cast a false light on a family man who looked out of place because underneath you can see his discomfort with being there in that moment. Never looked that closely at these pictures until now. Until I knew what I was really looking at.

Yes, being locked up in the room with all this stuff that can open old wounds is so hard and the reason I procrastinate the project. It has to be done. The water needs to be poured on the Wicked Witch of Narcissism. He is who he is and it will never change. He will never change. He will have a closet full of masks and wear them all day, every day because it is his ego that guides him. So every time that I look at a picture and feel shame for falling for the con of this grifter trying to steal my soul, I have to remember that he isn’t that person in the picture at that moment. His physical appearance isn’t who he is. His darkness and pain is who he is. Some pictures may not expose this. Some do. I was made to believe a lie and I am not a weak person because of it. I am strong because I loved someone who kept trying to hurt me. I kept trying to love this man into the light and out of his pain and addictions. There is nothing wrong with that at all. If anything, I have grown to believe that all this has made me a better person. I am wiser to the masks some wear. Yes, we all have them. Many days my mask is one with a smile so no one can see my pure pain inside. So what do I do with all these triggers of the past? I do what I need to do. I dispose of them so I don’t keep living the lie that he loved me. If I keep hold on the idea that this man could love me and still do all of the heinous things that he did to me, then the pain will never go away and the questions of what, why and who will haunt me forever. So I clean the clutter and throw out what is not needed anymore. Like that say at the end of every Alanon meeting, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I have chosen to leave the memories of him and our marriage forever and never look upon them again. Being done is a good feeling full of hope in healing. I am done with his masks and the memories good and bad because to me they were all just part of play he was performing. The play was cancelled and no one wants tickets. The doors are closed forever.

God bless you on this journey to take that bucket of water and pour it on the painful memories and wash them away forever. Take those painful “memories” and throw them away, burn them, melt them in water so you can heal. You are worth the healing and the light to shine brighter inside of you. Don’t feel bad for being made to believe something that you wanted to be true because you loved him or her. You are amazing for loving an unlovable person. You are strong and compassionate and worthy of all great things. Never forget that and move on towards a better day and happier life.

Breathe out triggers, Breathe in good times. Breathe out stuff of the past, Breathe in new tokens of better days. Breathe out the narcissist, Breathe in your good soul. Breathe out regret, Breathe in regrowth.

Quarantined In Our Thoughts and Feelings

This whole idea of being quarantined during this health crisis really makes me think. I have been thinking about so much. There is too much time to think. There is too much time and not enough routine distractions. Trying to find good things to do instead of sorting through the clutter in my head. These are difficult days for someone trying to heal from new loss, past trauma or profound changes on the horizon. Empty time creates racing minds and troubled hearts. As I am going on week three inside my home with limited outings, I have been battling with painful feelings and memories as I sit in a house that once housed a family of four. A house that held dreams and hopes of the three still living here. A house that promised a future of togetherness and love for us as family of four. We had to face these changes and accept that we can keep these hopes and dreams for a future as a family of three and hopefully in a new home. A home that will keep these hopes and dreams safe for us. I thought all of these intense feelings were because I was feeling so alone without physical contact to friends and family. It isn’t. This awful pain was triggered by the walls that witnessed the emotional abuse and they started to talk to me about the honest loneliness of this family over the years. The loneliness of living with a drug addict. The loneliness of living with a narcissistic personality. The loneliness of living with a sociopathic personality. The loneliness of living with an ego bigger than the Stalin statue. The loneliness of living with constant emotional and mental abuse. Being stuck in my house with nowhere to go and nothing really to do, I feel like I am back in this horrible marriage that I was stuck in and had nowhere to go. I feel the sadness of the loss of the dreams and hopes all three of us had for this home and this family. The feelings are overwhelming lately.

It is crazy to me that certain events can trigger such deep pain to fester up and infect our souls and minds again and again. This is how I know for sure that this was not a typical marriage. This was not a divorce because we fell out of love or married too young and grew apart. This was a divorce because I didn’t want to wither up and die from the abuse that was dissolving my soul. For years I felt myself weakening inside. I had the symptoms. Many of the symptoms on the lists for abuse. I just didn’t have the bruises and scars on the outside like I associated with abuse. I started with a few internal symptoms and thought it will get better. He will get better. I will get better. The symptoms got worse and more in number. I got worse and more in pain. By the end I was so numb to it all that I didn’t even see the truth flashing at me like a cop car at midnight trying to pull me over. I was so quarantined within this marriage that I just stayed put and made myself believe that it was all good. I started to believe that all the lies and manipulations and secrets were not that bad even though I would lose 10 pounds in a month or cry myself to sleep nights in a row. I made myself believe that he really loved me beneath it all and he would see me as the wonderful wife I was. I lied to myself that this was all going to be okay when he got sober. I believed it was his addiction that abused me not him. That feeling alone in a marriage was okay for a wife of an active addict. Not just okay but normal. That being quarantined by his disease and his abuse was normal. I thought if I stayed put for a certain amount of time that it would all be better and I would feel loved and not alone. It wasn’t his addiction that made him abuse me; it was him. He got sober and nothing changed. He always cheated and lied no matter what. I was being held inside the walls of a terrible, painful marriage and needed to find a way out to survive and heal from the toxic virus trying to kill me.

Nothing is normal about being quarantined. Humans are made to be with other humans. We are not a solitary species. We need love and appreciation to feel good and thrive. How can you get that if you are alone and have no contact with other people? You can’t get that and something inside just hurts. Something inside fears this emptiness. Something inside cries over the vacancy sign to which no one responds. I can’t believe I survived in quarantine for the past 12 or more years. It may have been longer but I was unaware because I was lying to myself for so long about who he really was. Maybe I was alone, stuck in an empty relationship for more years than that. I think I know that answer, but I don’t want the truth. That is a truth to finally accept would hurt too much. I know that truth and it is that he never loved me and I was alone from the start. I just can’t fully accept that yet. Not just yet. I am working on it, especially now that I have so much time in this isolated feeling running through my entire being. It is the most painful thing to accept…that you were never loved, just duped into believing someone’s lies about how they felt.

So I have had too much undistracted time lately to think about the past and being at peace to completely set the pain free like a newly pardoned prisoner. I hate too much time. I like the distractions of a busy life. Distractions are the best tools for not having to think about anything. I need to find distractions now. I pray for them to come my way. I am trying to create them with working from home. I am trying to create them for my kids too and no not just school work. They are feeling the pain too as I can tell. A mother knows her babies so well. They had hopes and dreams of this house and this family that are held in the walls keeping them locked in at this time. I understand their pain. I live their pain. We were all disappointed in how life turned out for our family. We are all grieving the loss of a family we wanted so badly together. I held my son as he cried about it all to me just the other night. Tears that hurt my heart to the core. Tears that I felt guilty about because I want to protect them from pain. But this pain is one I have to remind myself that I did not cause, cannot cure and cannot control for them. I can just love them and support them through the healing. I can sit with them and hold them while they have to be quarantined with their own thoughts and feelings. I can distract them with good things that are reminders to have hope in the promises of a better tomorrow and my love. We will all get through this time, some better than others. We all have things to overcome and heal from. I pray that you all make it through this time of being alone and heal and grow stronger from it.

Breathe Out Toxins, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Comfort. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Wholeness. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Guilt, Breathe In Patience. Breathe Out The Past, Breathe In Your New Future.

FEARS – The Fog of Confusion

Sitting here today, I cannot about the word Coronavirus. It is everywhere. It is a word that instills fear and angst to everyone who reads it and thinks about what it means. We get these awful images and ideas in our heads about the look of this virus and how it can hurt us all. The most scary part of it all is that we don’t really know about it. There are no clear answers of what exactly to look for in symptoms, where to go if you think you have it, what will happen and what are the chances of recovery. These are all things that we need to understand to feel better about this fear looming in the air around us. Questions and confusion equal fear of what we do not know or understand. Fear can make you sick or make you believe that you are sick. Fear can be a virus on its own.

These fears about a virus, spreading and affecting us all, are not that different from fears about other situations. How many coastal people had such heightened fears of tsunamis after the largest one in history? How many hurricanes after created fears of hitting the same area twice in a month? How many young men had growing fears in the 90’s that the draft would be used again and they didn’t know how to fight in a war? History gives us fear but it also teaches us lessons to help the fear understand how to change. This is why the governments are acting swiftly to contain the virus to protect everyone. They have learned from history how to change the way things are done now. Fear can create a desire for change and a desire for security and safety. Fear sounds like a bad thing but actually it can be a positive force for change and movement towards betterment.

I have been talking about such large areas of fear. Fear can be your own virus making you sick instead of propelling you into a new, positive start. I know first hand how fear can prohibit a person from being who they really are and want to be. There are so many fears that I have gone through in life…fear of failure, fear of success (yes, you correctly read that one), fear of unknown, fear of love, fear of trusting, fear of not knowing what to do, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being pretty enough, fear of not being smart enough, fear of the past, fear of betrayal, fear of death and now fear of the Coronavirus…well, you get it. A lot of fears have run through my mind over the years. These fears don’t have to come one at a time. Some fears come as a bundle package. This is when it is harder to find the helpful, strong lighthouse in a deep fog creating so much confusion that I cannot seem to know what is up or down, right or left. It is terrifying. I start to panic. I search for the right direction only to become exhausted, confused and frustrated leading to an even more intense fear where my head and heart are both unable to work. The sweat starts beading up on my forward. My heart starts to pound so hard it is audible. My head feels like it tripled in weight for the size of my shoulders holding it up. The bones in my legs feel like hot Jello. Then I start talking to myself through the tears overflowing in my terrified eyes. It is not a pretty sight. But it is me with intense fears.

I hate this feeling. I hate fear. I feel so helpless, so weak. I have to remember it is normal. We are just humans trying to stay strong in a very messed up world. Fear is natural in that environment. But it doesn’t have to take us over and consume our days anymore. Instead of running around for the answers, sit and breathe. Think about it all and rationally sort it out. Pray and ask for the guidance and strength to find your footing and direction. Until then just sit and breathe. Patience is the sword to take down fear. I have feared that I will never get over the pain that my husband of 16 years had given me. The pain was intense some days that I couldn’t find air to breathe. I couldn’t figure out how to breathe normal again. What was normal anymore? This fear was gripping my heart and my mind and spreading to every part of my body to contaminate it with pain and sadness. Fear that I was never good enough to have true love, never pretty enough to have someone really want to be with me, never smart enough to see the many red flags and lies, never strong enough to stand up for myself, never mean enough to not get taken advantage of, never being able to trust again…it was a bundle package that all at once arrived to my doorstep. A package I never ordered nor wanted. But it was mine at that moment and instead of fear it, I had to open it and look at each part and have the patience to understand what is was and why it wasn’t mine to keep. These are things that I didn’t order; they were given to me. So I sat and breathed through each one. With a lot of patience for myself, I got through it. The fog lifted so I could get up and move on. I took those fears and learned from them so next time that they visit me, I can know better how to manage them and dispose of them. My ex gave me these fears, it is my choice to keep them and let his virus affect me forever or throw them out and take my life back for me.

Don’t let confusion and not understanding create a fear in you that hurts everything inside your body. Fear can make you sick. Fear can greatly affect your life, in a good or bad way. Take your fear and look at it. If you need to learn about what is confusing and you are not understanding, ask someone to help. Someone you trust. Pray for understanding and patience to beat out the fears. And take what the fear teaches you to make changes that can help that fear dissolve for you It will. Just have faith. Right now listen to the consistency in advice on how to stay safe and don’t let the fears overcome you.

Breathe out fear, Breathe in patience. Breathe out confusion, Breathe in understanding. Breathe out fog, Breathe in warm sunshine. Breathe out frustration, Breathe acceptance. Breathe out the negative, Breathe in the positive.

And pray for all those affected by this terrible virus causing fears in so many around the world. We all need prayers in this world today. God bless you all with safety, love and healing.

Sometimes stop and breathe in the moments of taking a break! We need to learn to stop and think of changes.

Sometimes we need to learn to stop, step back from the chaos and confusion and just breathe in the peace of taking it easy. No vacation is total calm and ease of time. There is travel time and planning involved in every getaway. BUT there are definite moments for you to take it all in and just let go and let God revive your exhausted spirit and weary mind. I did that recently. Regardless of the fact that I was with family (lots of family), I relaxed and absorbed the good energy available to me that was greatly needed after this long winter of chaos, confusion, pain and grief. The sun felt warmer. The breeze felt crisper. The sounds felt more peaceful. The time felt less hectic. It was such an amazing reward for all the difficulties dealt to me at the hands of the narcissist in my life.

I used this time away to explore the options that lay in front of my feet. The same feet that are able to change the direction of my life and make it better. Only I can move those feet. Only I can change my direction. I saw that the option of moving and relocating could be hugely beneficial to myself and my children. Especially my children. They could witness their mother go from heartbreak and pain to success and renewal in a new place. They could leave behind the pain of rejection and abandonment that they have had to deal with too. It is so hard to accept what they have had to endure along this journey of being married to a narcissistic addict. I feel like I should have been stronger and better at protecting them from the feelings of rejection and abandonment and pain. I have to remind myself that we all have our own journeys in life and I cannot shelter anyone from his or her journey. God has us on His map of life and He has plans for us that are far greater than any journey we could imagine. I do see these emotional and mental obstacles that I have faced with my children as events of growth and bonding for us. I am closer to my children than I could have ever imagined. I understand my children more than most parents seem to understand. I love my children so deeply sometimes it hurts my heart with the fullness pressing on its walls. This isn’t unhealthy. This is a bond of survival created in times of trouble. Many go through this bonding with an intense event of change and growth. People who survive a crash or crisis together. People who witness war together. People who live with active addiction in their families and watch someone killing himself. They are all very different stories but the same bonds are created.

When we are standing in the middle of the this dust storm stirred up by the narcissist and/or addict in our families then it does create a bond of survival. It does create such tension and stress that eventually takes it toll on everyone around that person – The Ripple Effect. (for my next entry) The dust can consume you and your existence. When it gets this way for you or your loved ones, please take a moment or two and step away. Take a break from this life that will suffocate you with the pain, grief, exhaustion, confusion and chaos. Whether for a day or two or a week or two, it doesn’t matter. You need a break. You need a recharge. You need to see outside of the storm and be able to envision all the good things in just changing your feet slightly in a new direction. Your feet have to be in a different direction to get out of this storm. BUT before you change your feet in a new direction, you need the strength to change them. It is not as simple as it sounds. Trust me, I know from being there in that exact exhaustion and sadness and confusion. Which direction? How much do I turn my feet? Will it be the best choice? Can I do this alone? Do I want to do it alone? Why do I have to be here right now?

All good questions. All things that I have asked myself over and over again. The direction is determined by your desires for your life and the visions that you hold for your own passions and greatness. You are great. You can do it if you believe. How much you change your life is up to you and your need to change. If you are being physically abused, I would recommend you make a big change to safeguard yourself and your family. (Please, remember you are worth SO much more than the evil person hurting you is making you feel.) Yes, you can definitely do this alone. Do we ever want to do anything alone in life? No. But can we? Yes. We have survived living with a very disrespectful, unloving person for this long. We can do this on our own. I have learned I am never really on my own. I have all those people who have gone through my pain in their lives walking with me every day. I have friends that have stepped up to be with me and help me as they can. Yes, some family and friends lack the courage to walk with you and cannot handle messy things. Don’t worry about them. Don’t focus on them. Let them walk in their direction away from you. Just know there are people willing to help you along way. Many of those people will be the new friends that you meet on your road to change. These friends will most likely be the ones who truly become part of your new, positive life. You can always make changes again and again. There is no rule saying to you have to stay where you are at this moment. Life is about change. Take this moment right now as a gift to make a better life and a change for you and your family and true friends. Take time to stop and rest along the way. Take time to heal. Take time to breathe. Take time to be grateful and blessed for change from the pain. Take time to figure out your feet and your direction. Take time to love yourself back together. Just remember to take time to step our of the dust storm that this narcissist wants to keep you in and suffocating you. You deserve more than living in constant suffocation from pain and confusion.

Breathe out dust, Breathe in fresh air. Breathe out confusion, Breathe in serenity. Breathe out panic, Breathe in calm. Breathe out negative people, Breathe in positive people. Breathe out fear of change, Breathe in excitement of growth.

What Should I Wear Today? Now It Is What Should I Feel Today?

Some days it is like walking into a huge closet and being confused about what to wear. Do I feel like dressing up or being comfy? Heels or sneakers? Pants or skirt? Black or bright colors? For me the clothes that I picked reflected my feelings that day. As one girl whom I hardly knew in my office once told me after I resigned from the company, “I am going to miss you so much because I looked forward to seeing what you would wear every day. Some days you looked like you just left a rave and other days you looked like Audrey Hepburn.” I was flattered and surprised at the same time. Was I really that diverse. The answer was yes. I still am. That is what I consider one of my greatest qualities…I am never ordinary or simple in anything that I do. I like to be different. I strive to stand outside of every box. This works great in most areas of life. Except it doesn’t work so well in the emotional part of life. I am so diverse in emotions. My clothes did reflect my emotions. Some days I felt like having fun and just setting out to enjoy that day. Some days I was serious about life and my path going forward. When I combined these I would look like Audrey Hepburn wearing orange Converse. Yeh, hard to imagine her wearing those? Me too. But I know if she had had the chance to wear them with a Roman Holiday dress, she would have. I always wanted to be that fun but sophisticated woman who did not get knocked off her Vespa on her journey into the exciting life ahead of her.

I am really not sure where I got off the Vespa and lost the days of raves and Audrey Hepburn. They did go away for awhile. I gave up my soul. I gave it to a monster who loves to eat souls adorned in fun, color and hope. He wasn’t a monster at first. I guess you could say a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His wardrobe was stylish but these were all merely costumes for the role he was playing that day. I never played a role. I played myself. If I was a movie a character, I think I would have been a cross between Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly, Jennifer Gardner in 13 Going on 30 and Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. That was me. No acts. Just me. I lost those spirited parts of myself. I lost the roses on my lapel, the vintage coats, the variety of dresses, the jewelry galore. I lost my spark that made me who I was. I became jeans and what top I thought he would like or what he bought me (which usually was never a reflection of me). I am not sure if he thought of me when shopping for many gifts. Some were great. A few times he actually saw me. Many other times it was like he never even saw me. Sizes wrong. Styles off. Not even the looks that he said he liked to see on a woman. I would try to wear them to make him happy and to think I looked pretty. I wouldn’t feel like me in them. I gave my soul to the monster. I gave my spirit to the monster. I allowed myself to become the kind of person that I felt bad for in life. I allowed myself to exist in a relationship that I said I would never allow. Why did I allow it? Why did I give up my spirit that made me special? Why would he want to take that spirit from me if he said that is what he loved about me when we met?

Who we are deep inside the depths of our souls is so valuable and so important to this world. If we were all the same then this world would be so boring and so one colored. I don’t want to live in a world like that. I never wanted to live in a world like that. Yet, I was willing to live in a world like that for what I thought was love. But I realized that true love, real love, honest love doesn’t drain the color from the world. It does just the opposite; it brightens every corner and makes the colors have flavors and smells. Only destructive love kills the life in our spirits and souls. Destructive love of a narcissist, addict, abuser, sociopath, etc. can drain every drop of color from your life. I don’t even know if you can call it destructive love. There is no love in their actions or words. There is just pain and sadness that slowly brings you to your knees surrounded by hues of grey and black. You are a pile on the floor in drab sweatpants and a t-shirt that doesn’t even resemble your past self. You don’t even recognize yourself anymore when you look in the mirror. It hurts to look at what you have become. I know because I have been there. I was so mad at myself for giving up my heart to a monster who just kept stabbing it and then getting mad at me because I was bleeding. It is insanity that puts us on the floor. It is insanity that makes us forget who we are. It is insanity that makes the color vanish. It is the insanity of loving someone who abuses us either mentally, emotionally or physically.

I realized that I was just a blob of grey. When I tried to be me again, I would find out he was cheating again. I was finally hit by glitter bomb falling from a rainbow. Well, not really but I like to imagine it that way. I was hit with the understanding that he never loved me. He loved the idea of a faithful, loving, doting wife. I just happened to be the supply that worked for him at the right time. Lucky me. Like he walked into the store and said, “Oh yes, this dress. This dress is the perfect companion for me, sexy enough but also tasteful and sophisticated for what I need.” I was like a selection from a store. Then he outgrew me very fast. But I kept trying to be the perfect fit for him.

I am once again myself. This time it is gold, snakeskin, neon or pink sneakers. It is fun jewelry that I buy for myself. It is fun, sophisticated and sexy all in one, but with creativity and color in every stitch. I look so much better that people are telling me how great I look these days. It feels fabulous to have people see me again. I am not a grey blob anymore. I am me again. I am fabulous me again. I learned so much over these past 18 years. I will never go back to that drab girl again. I am forever fun and creative and me again. I love me again! Don’t let a monster drain your color from your soul. Take back your color and your life back from this destructive false love. You are fabulous and never let anyone make you feel or think any other way.

Breathe out sadness, Breathe in happiness. Breathe out grey, Breathe in color. Breathe out smoke, Breathe in rose petals. Breathe out misery, Breathe in freedom. Breathe out abuse, Breathe in healing.


The other day while searching Pinterest for some wise words on a difficult day, I came across this amazing Pin. H.O.P.E….Hold on pain ends! Wow! So small but so profound and powerful. Just hold on because all pain ends. I love this so much. Not it’s not because I am really struggling with the difficulties of my life but because it says something about every day whether good or bad that all pain is temporary. All pain can be overcome. All this is possible with HOPE.

Some days hope seems so far away. Like a star you can vaguely see without the help of a telescope and know you never can reach. Hope is so necessary in order to believe that this too shall pass. When I think of hope, I see an anchor. You throw it overboard so you don’t go adrift and crash into the shore, rocks or another boat. You place your hope in that anchor to keep you safe. We anchor our faith in hopes that we will be kept safe during a storm. Everyone gives me anchors for gifts now. Trying to remind me never stop believing that I am being taken care of by strength of my higher power, God.

Seems easy huh? Seems so beautiful and peaceful so have hope? It is beautiful when someone has deep hope and faith. But easy? No. It’s a daily journey to keep it. For me anyways, some days it is an uphill journey. Especially in the middle of a difficult and painful divorce, I find it hard to find that anchor keeping me from drifting into the sharp rocks of disappointment and anger. My divorce is like those ones you see in the movies. You know the movies that you are like no way does that happen in real life. Well, it does. I am living proof that fiction can be moved into the non-fiction part of the library. I think the hardest part to portray on a screen is the inner feeling someone has when she realizes that she has been living with a complete stranger for 17 years. Nothing was real. Nothing. It all feels like chaos and confusion. Realizing that the man you married is not at all who he made himself out to be was the saddest, maddest and strangest part of my life so far. How do you hold on to hope when you realize there either wasn’t an anchor at the end of rope or just a small bag of sand for too many years? It is a situation I never imagined being in and I am sure you never did.

I keep thinking of this quote that reminds us pain ends as long we believe it will end. That belief in better days is what hope is all about. I stopped believing in better days because I was so beaten down for too many years. Now I can say that I see that anchor at the end of my rope. My rope is strong. My anchor is strong. I am strong. I always hear move forward to get away from the pain and grow towards a better future. Maybe the anchor is better. Throw that anchor over the side of the boat. Don’t worry about navigating anywhere or doing anything at that moment. No big decisions need to be made. Just focus on healing yourself. Taking care of yourself. Enjoying the sounds of the water lapping on the side of the boat, the birds flying overhead, the sun warming your skin, the horizon showing you the earth is still moving and the breeze cooling just enough for that perfect comfort. Smile at it all. Relax and breathe in deeply the fresh air around you. Throw overboard all the things causing your heart to hurt with confusion, anger and sadness and watch the currents take them slowly away from your boat. With every wave, that pain get further away. With every wave, that pain gets less. With every wave, you allow hope and faith to keep hold of you. You will survive. You will be stronger. You will be better for it all. Your faith will be deeper. Your hope will be more consistent. So remember with H.O.P.E., you just have to hold on until the pain ends. And it will end. And you will be better than ever. I have been getting better in the process. I have faith in God. I have faith in myself. I have faith in you.

Breathe out fear, Breathe in faith. Breathe out pain, Breathe in hope. Breathe out confusion, Breathe in new outlook. Breathe out old air, Breathe in fresh air … Fill your lungs with the new!