Emotional Drought? We Need to Carry Love On

Love has taken on a entirely new form it seems. It lost its honest soul that motivates people to do good for good and be the light inside of the darkness. To stand up for a cause in the right way. To show support without aggression. To speak the truth without yelling. To embrace another without expectations. To simply love without strings or judgements. To not abuse someone who offers you love and support. When did love become such a shadow hiding in every day life? Maybe it always has been this way, but I am just now starting to understand it and really see it and feel it deep within my heart. Maybe it is the path my life is on at this time and love is harder to see through the many shadows around me.

Have you ever felt that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, that is how I am feeling lately for so many reasons. I have spent the past 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage where I did everything to make this narcissistic addict love me, see me and want to be with me. I allowed him to make me believe that I would never be enough, that there was something wrong with me. He did leave visible bruises with his fists of anger but he made my spirit and heart bleed with lies, secrets and manipulations of anger towards my love for him and us. I even reached out my severely weak hand to lift him up during his drug use. I loved enough to see him and the big picture than just myself. Living this way drains the energy from a soul. This drains the pools of love because you give and give from your resevoir but do not receive more to fill it back up in return. It is an emotional drought of your soul. You drain the tank and just run on empty for years. Eventually, you can no longer sustain yourself, you heart, your mind, your spirit running on nothing, not even fumes. However depleted I became, I am proud that I can love this way and still can even after being so beaten for my love. I can carry love on.

Coronavirus brought fear and people doing all they could to protect themselves and those that they love. But it was so sad to me that it grew anger and blame for other countries and governments. It brought out protests for what people saw as their right to choose a mask or not. A simple mask could save a life. Maybe your life. Maybe your loved one’s life. Maybe one of the worker’s who is saving lives. Simple mask showed love for others and yourself. This virus brought out people hoarding simple items that could save lives of those working to save lives. All for economic gain of themselves? Is money more important than a human life? There was definitely so many good acts and such positivity spread by the medical workers and people spending hard earned money to help others. The picture that stands in my mind is this one nurse in a mask standing up to a mass of protesters without masks. Such love in one person to stand up and show how simple love for each other can be displayed. What was she doing wrong? Her job to save lives of everyone, even that protester? Her own life was on the line to save more. That is love from the deepest place of a heart. Saving others at the expense of yourself. Why can’t love rule and we stand together? It hurts my soul that there is a sea of aggression and darkness trying to push love away. But we can carry love on.

Now these protests. These protests. So much aggression and darkness abounds behind the fires and broken glass. Where is the love for George and the others who have wrongfully died. These acts are not love for these victims. Stealing a new pair of Nikes from a store is not love. Shooting a cop in the head to show that you protest this is not love for George. Ruining the lives on innocent business owners just trying to survive after the shutdown, this is not love for George. Why is it so much easier to fuel hatred than it is to fuel love? Why can’t everyone in this world stand in unison, in silence, dressed in all black to mourn the loss of love and acceptance and working together to make this world a better place to live? Why can’t these protests mimic the cities where cops and civilians walk hand in hand in love and solidarity to create a consciousness of positive change. That would be love growing out of pain. That would be love dominating the new movement towards a better tomorrow. We can carry love on.

Today, I am feeling that this darkness over the world is the saddest weight laying on my soul. When did we get so lost in ourselves? When did we get so lost in the true meaning of “love one another” that we were taught as children? People are so ego driven with aggressive tones of wanting what they feel is best for themselves without the big picture coming into their view. From the narcissist in my life doing what pleases only him regardless of the bleeding souls on his path to the protesters losing site of the reasons behind what they are doing for a change towards the better, we are living in a world where love seems to be hiding in the shadows because it was put there. We are living in an emotional drought of love and acceptance. We are all in different places in our lives and affected by these places in different ways. Some are living in love and are here to help it grow again by spreading their rich supply from their souls. Others are so dehydrated by the missing positivity that they need love and to feel love again. We can love ourselves first and foremost to make sure that it never dies. But rememberer that loving yourself is not about an ego or self-advancement at the cost of others. Loving yourself actually helps you love others better. Can we all just love without the pain that grows from ignorance, selfishness and hatred? We can learn from pain, even the pain we may have caused in the past. Learn from it and grow into a loving and accepting soul. We are all made from the same dirt and start life in the same way. So why do we fight each other? I pray that God embraces us and guides us to a better tomorrow where we can grab the hand of a neighbor and hold it tightly until the love starts to grow again and diminishes the darkness hanging over this world. We can carry love on.

Breathe Out Hatred, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Violence, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Impulsive Aggression, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Emotional Drought, Breathe in Love. Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Love.

Is the “Devil in Disguise” Really That Far-Fetched?

I have been watching the Netflix show “Lucifer” with my son during this stay at home quarantine. We are on season 4 already but we have been watching a few shows at the same time. The show drew me in immediately. I laughed and cringed and carried a crush for Lucifer Morningstar. I mean he is very handsome, tall, confident, charming, smart, extrovert, a bad boy, an entertainer and can seem caring for some of the characters. Wow! Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Well, you get it right? He is too good to be true from that initial introduction. Yes, he is too good to be true. Ultimately, he is the devil in a human body to cover that scary face that he never wants regular people to see. He hides it. He only uses the red eyes and devil face when he needs someone to cooperate with his investigation. Sound familiar?

Well, it is familiar. To me it is familiar. I didn’t see the not so invisible thread from this entire show before but I do now. He is the embodiment of narcissism. The greatest definition of a narcissist is “The Devil in Disguise. ” I used to always think of my husband as the living version of Jekyll and Hyde. The same person and the only thing they had in common is the “y” but add a few different letters and it is a new person. The narcissist wants us to believe that he is this amazing, caring, compassionate and honest good person. We do believe it too. We believe it so much that we defend him at every chance. We get so deep into his swamp’s quicksand pool that we can’t get out. We start to settle in to this confining, painful life full of lies and secrets with him. We are brainwashed to believe that WE are the majority of the problems. We are made to believe that we didn’t love him the way he should be loved because he believes that we should give love to the highest power even when we are receiving the lowest amounts. We didn’t treat him the way he thinks he should be treated for being the great person that he is in his mind. We questioned our doubts and angered the narcissist and this was unfair to him to be questioned about anything. We didn’t give him the attention that his wonderful, occasional actions deserved but really it s that he requires the attention to keep his ego fueled every day. I was even told that it was my fault that he cheated. No, not his own choices to break our vows and our marriage, AND my heart. Once it was because I had to take care of two very sick small children. At times, I slept holding the newborn to make sure that she was still breathing or slept on the bathroom floor with an alarm clock to run a steam shower every hour for them. Exhausted and worried, I still would gather myself together with hair done and makeup on to greet him when he came to bed at night. I made him special dinners after a long day of work. I tried to keep the house as clean as possible to no “over stress” him. (He said it would add to his anxiety and increase his need to use drugs again.) I basically walked on eggshells all day, every day to make him happy and want to stay. Still have no idea why I stayed. He wasn’t worth staying for. I had seen the mask slip and the red eyes flare and red charred skin peek through that human exterior. I had seen glimpses of the aggressively loud and abusive devil come through in glints. The blames thrown back at me made me take a pause and when I looked back up from the blow he placed on my heart and made me stop breathing for a second, the mask was fixed and the eyes were back to normal. It is so scary that we cannot register the feelings we have after it happens. We just try to breathe again with a normal in and out beat.

Businessinsider.com posted a great article, “Phrases to Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist.” The main problem is that you don’t know they are a narcissist until it is too late and you are too deep into the dark, vermin-ridden woods with them. They also discuss sociopaths in the article. I do believe that my experience was not only painted by a narcissist but decorated by his super strength level of sociopathic traits. Dr. Martha Stout wrote a book called “The Sociopath Next Door” and makes some profound points that hit me as harder as his harsh words have done. She says, “It’s like the ‘frog in the saucepan’ analogy.” You put a live frog in a warm water and it swims and enjoys the water until the heat is turned up slowly so that the frog dies slowly, never realizing it is being boiled to death. Yikes! At least the lobster screams in the hot water. How do they draw us into the pot though without us knowing. I mean we are smart, caring people. They ask all of the right questions to know where we are the weakest and what makes us and has made us hurt the most in life. They get to know our fears, our past heartbreak, our regrets, our likes and dislikes. They get to know all about us. Seems so nice to have someone so interested in us like they are. Lucifer stares at the potential bad guy and slowly asks in the nicest voice, “What is that you desire?” The answer to this is often used against them to solve the case and may put them in jail. Our hearts make us special and beautiful but they are the key to destroying us too (not to normal people they aren’t just dark souls). Narcissists and Sociopaths know this and are overly excited to get to know everything about us so that they can turn it all on us later. That is what gets us into that pot of warm soothing water in the first place…false charm and manipulated caring questions. I am glad that I found a way out of the pot before I boiled to death from the heat of this devil-like abuse.

In the show, Lucifer starts to feel the loving, caring feelings that it takes to make a real relationship work. I mean mutually work to benefit both people. But sadly, he is the devil and the feelings of selfishness, ego and pride still stand in the way of his growth. In the show, the characters keep reminding him that he was once an angel. We saw an angel when we first met these narcissistic, sociopathic, addicted souls too. They presented us with the angel version to lure us into the candy house only to shove us into the warm water and turn up the heat slowly over time.

I am not finished with the show, but I did leave it at a place where my heart is heavy with the imagery it paints for my own life. His wings are changing from angel to demon. I have seen that happening in my own life over the past years and even more now as we try to finish a very painful divorce that has been going on for over a year. It is like trying to talk to the “Devil in disguise” at times and everything is so confusing and hurtful. I read books about divorcing a narcissist. I wish I could say that they have helped me deal with it all. They did give me some useful pointers in dealing with him or speaking to him so as to not be lashed with his harsh words or cruel actions. If I am lashed, I am learning to not let it take me down. Like in the show, Lucifer cannot be killed except around the detective who he loves. Sound familiar again? The one you love can hurt you the most. Even kill you. I am learning to wear armor and protection when communicating or just seeing him. I don’t want to die from his illnesses. They are his burden to carry, not mine. They were never mine to carry. I tried to love him so much that he would drop the burdens and become the man I thought I had met and the man he said he wanted to be. That man who he pretended to be and said he wanted to be was just a fictional character and never existed. I gave my love for years and years to someone who threw it out like it was worthless trash. He has repeatedly shown me that he isn’t worth my love or my life. I deserve to have light not dark. To have happiness not sadness. To have laughter not tears. To have healing not regret. To have love not torture. To have goodness not evil. I deserve so much more than what a “Devil in disguise” can give me or my family. We deserve better than all that he has given us and continues to give us. YOU deserve more than all of this too. You are a beautiful, loving soul that is worth so much more than what they can offer you in life.

So if you get a chance to watch Lucifer, I recommend it. It is like a visual study of a narcissist’s brain and why we do fall for them in the beginning stages of their love bombing with lies, manipulations and masks of greatest to hide their true dark self. I still admit that Lucifer still has his attractive points but they are becoming less and less and now I just see the weak angry soul filled with all the qualities we run from in life. We have to pay attention to people and not jump into the pot of inviting water that they give us. If they are for real and have good souls worthy of our time and love, the water will be there but it will never be there to kill us like the narcissist, sociopath or addict wants to do.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe It Truths. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Peace In Being Alone. Breathe Out Fake People, Breathe In Real People. Breathe Out Being Conned, Breathe In Patience To Know Someone Well. Breathe Out Anger For Being Conned By The Narcissist, Breathe In Your Power To Love and Care (ESP For Yourself)

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

I loved this in Snow White. A mirror that can actually see deeper than the surface of the reflection in it. I always wanted a mirror that could really look at me and tell me what was what. Can you imagine really being seen like that? Well, we are seen like that in just an average mirror. We are the “mirror mirror” part of this story. It is not a fairy tale that leads to happily ever afters into a sunset while riding on a beautiful horse and holding hands with a handsome man or gorgeous woman. It is the truth. It is the true reality. It is what is staring back at us in that mirror. YOU. You know yourself like no one can ever know you. You know what you like and don’t like. You know what makes you happy and what makes you sad. You know your favorite color or your most despised color in the crayon box. Why are we all so scared of that true reflection?

We all want to look in that mirror and see a supermodel looking back with no imperfections and an amazing post-worthy life. But I have to be honest about this idea, it is non-existent. Even the most beautiful supermodel looks in the mirror and sees something wrong. You may not see it. She does. When I was young, I was skinny. I was size 00 and weighed less than 100 pounds. Then the scale tipped to 102. At 16, I thought that is why I don’t have a date. I am fat. So I starved myself. I didn’t eat for an entire month. Just shakes everyday and lots and lots of exercise. For my return to high school, I would look like a supermodel (a short one but regardless a gorgeous model) who was desired by all. Well, weight didn’t change my life. My fears changed my life. It wasn’t fat looking back at me. It was fear. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of rejection. Fear of being not good enough. Fear of not being everything that I wanted to be. That fear turned into a wall of protection that never allowed me the ability to open up to anyone for many years. I think it all goes back to getting made fun of in elementary school because someone liked me. Then two kids teased me when they realized who I liked. They left fake notes on my desk and laughed when I read them. It continued to Junior High. They teased me because the bad kid in class liked me. (I was quite the fashionista then too LOL.) I was scared that letting anyone know how I felt about another person would open me up for more ridicule especially if those feelings were not reciprocated. So when I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl stuffed with so many feelings and fear that she looked fat from it all.

Unfortunately, I unstuffed myself later in life to the wrong person. When I met him, I was struggling with my reflection. I was a bit lost in life but was not living in despair just limbo of which path to take. There were many options to choose from as a young single woman with possibilities surfacing. I met him and he set a stage for the perfect opportunity to open up my over protection heart. I unstuffed. I felt so good. I felt so safe. I felt so light and thin. I felt beautiful to myself and to someone else. It was like I had imagined. I was so happy to find him and marry him. We started a family. I felt even more amazing.

Then I started looking into the mirror and seeing an image I didn’t recognize anymore. Eyes filled with sadness. Skin weathered with stress. Body exhausted with emotions. She wasn’t fat or thin. She wasn’t happy or sad. She wasn’t pretty or ugly. What was she? Who was she? How did I become like this? I spent hours trying to change her to be what he wanted and needed. I added and subtracted so much of myself that I was a mismatch of random pieces. I was like faceless ghost of who I once was. I was like this after 15 years of narcissistic emotional abuse from the man she married. The man whom I unstuffed myself to and thought loved me regardless of it. He took all that stuffing and used it against me to destroy me piece by piece until all that was left was a woman in so much pain that she didn’t recognize her own reflection.

Narcissistic Emotional Abuse is real. It is so painful that there is no true way to describe it with words. It takes our reflection and makes it so scary that we no longer even want to look. You are not alone. There are so many of us going through this too. We have opened up to an emotional abuser. It is okay. We can heal. I see my reflection now and see the lines. They are there from squinting to look at a beautiful sunset or sunrise. They are there because my kids gave me the joys of laughter. They are there because God reminds me to smile when a friend gives me flowers or a stranger holds a door for me. They are there because they are part of my beautiful story that created my beautiful soul radiating through my eyes and every line. I walked away from the narcissist. I can see the strength in my body.

Love yourself. You are beautiful. You are treasured. You are loved. YOU ARE ENOUGH today and always. Some days will be hard to look in the mirror. Just remember where you have been, what you have learned and where you are going. Look in the mirror and say, “HELLO GORGEOUS, YOU GOT THIS AND WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH!”

Breathe out the negativity. Breathe in the positivity. Breathe out the ugly. Breathe in the beauty. Breathe out the loneliness. Breathe in the power of you.