Pressure Points of Emotion

We all have them…pressure points that when pushed, we respond with certain emotions. Some people cry over Hallmark commercials when that little hand surprises a grandmother with a card for her birthday. Some people cry when they are in fear of the girl entering the dark house alone in a horror movie. Some people laugh when the girl is entering the dark house alone in the horror movie. Some people get so mad that are called to act about injustices on the news that are not in their towns. Some people get so depressed about injustices on the news. We all react differently in situations, but we all will react according to the pressure put on certain prominent emotions that surface for us based our experiences…Pressure Points of Emotion! Acupuncture but with sharp needles pushing on our brain and heart.

I realized that my pressure points are so highly sensitive lately. It definitely doesn’t take a sharp point to make them react. My most sensitive pressure point lately is anger and frustration. And when going through the highly sensitive field of divorce that is covered by various landmines, I have been pushed with his words and actions sometimes to the brink of insanity. Sometimes the burning sense of anger for the lack of empathy and understanding for what he has put me through is overwhelming. In times like this it is hard to find that space of calm and peace where you can gain the clarity and sanity required to breathe in and out until calmness returns to your inner being. I try to have a mantra, a prayer, a vision or a place to go to when this happens. Why is it so hard to grasp that at times of extreme pressure? Like I cannot see clearly from the instant fog covering all directions to safety. I am sure you know that feeling of confusion and standing alone if you have been through heartbreak of any kind. Or if you are like me, you have that one person who knows exactly where those pressure points are and pushes them so easily. I feel like he pushes them because he likes the reactions from me. He likes to see me twitch with emotions and uncomfortableness. I have read that narcissistic people get to know you well so that they know where to push you. I am feeling this way lately.

So what do you do during these times when tears come for no reason? There is no Hallmark commercial or sad movie on TV to make you cry. There is no horror movie making you scream in fear. But there is a situation happening in your own lives that triggers one or more emotions. The true insanity comes when they trigger them together…sadness and anger is the worst combination. I feel torn between crying and screaming. And then I tend to do both. Yelling while tears are flowing down my face unto my shirt. I am eventually drenched in tears of sadness and sweat of painful hot anger. Either way, I am not comfortable or healing in peace. I just want peace and comfort over these emotions. I don’t want to become consumed by these. I become someone whom I do not want to be in that moment. I don’t do well in conflict and anger. Sadly, these days in this divorce, he has me on a roller coaster of extreme emotions where I am so nauseous and just want to stop this ride and get out of the park. This ride is fueled by anger and sadness. This too shall pass right?

I need to understand my pressure points and what activates them and their reactions so that I do not react quickly or become someone that I do want to become in tense situations. This is not an easy task when flooded by emotional storms that start drowning your heart and mind. I am going to take deep breathes and think before I speak or react from now on, especially when he tries to push those points leading to anger, pain and tears. It will help me get through that turbulence and not into a new storm because of my emotions. I can create my own storms too. I have to remember this. Always remember this. I have been consumed by pain and emotions lately to the point that I cannot hear my own words sometimes and cannot see how my anger hurts my own soul. Staying in bed isn’t solving my problems. Yelling isn’t solving anything. Talking out of turn isn’t solving anything. I need to see the solutions like the lighthouse guiding me in the fog, instead of letting the fog consume me into fear, anger and sadness. We can all do this if we focus inward and pray very hard. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can and The wisdom to know the difference.” This should release those sharp needles pushing on the our pain and fears.

Breathe Out Anger, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Irritation, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Tears & Sadness, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out The Heaviness, Breathe In Peace & Calm.

Is the “Devil in Disguise” Really That Far-Fetched?

I have been watching the Netflix show “Lucifer” with my son during this stay at home quarantine. We are on season 4 already but we have been watching a few shows at the same time. The show drew me in immediately. I laughed and cringed and carried a crush for Lucifer Morningstar. I mean he is very handsome, tall, confident, charming, smart, extrovert, a bad boy, an entertainer and can seem caring for some of the characters. Wow! Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Well, you get it right? He is too good to be true from that initial introduction. Yes, he is too good to be true. Ultimately, he is the devil in a human body to cover that scary face that he never wants regular people to see. He hides it. He only uses the red eyes and devil face when he needs someone to cooperate with his investigation. Sound familiar?

Well, it is familiar. To me it is familiar. I didn’t see the not so invisible thread from this entire show before but I do now. He is the embodiment of narcissism. The greatest definition of a narcissist is “The Devil in Disguise. ” I used to always think of my husband as the living version of Jekyll and Hyde. The same person and the only thing they had in common is the “y” but add a few different letters and it is a new person. The narcissist wants us to believe that he is this amazing, caring, compassionate and honest good person. We do believe it too. We believe it so much that we defend him at every chance. We get so deep into his swamp’s quicksand pool that we can’t get out. We start to settle in to this confining, painful life full of lies and secrets with him. We are brainwashed to believe that WE are the majority of the problems. We are made to believe that we didn’t love him the way he should be loved because he believes that we should give love to the highest power even when we are receiving the lowest amounts. We didn’t treat him the way he thinks he should be treated for being the great person that he is in his mind. We questioned our doubts and angered the narcissist and this was unfair to him to be questioned about anything. We didn’t give him the attention that his wonderful, occasional actions deserved but really it s that he requires the attention to keep his ego fueled every day. I was even told that it was my fault that he cheated. No, not his own choices to break our vows and our marriage, AND my heart. Once it was because I had to take care of two very sick small children. At times, I slept holding the newborn to make sure that she was still breathing or slept on the bathroom floor with an alarm clock to run a steam shower every hour for them. Exhausted and worried, I still would gather myself together with hair done and makeup on to greet him when he came to bed at night. I made him special dinners after a long day of work. I tried to keep the house as clean as possible to no “over stress” him. (He said it would add to his anxiety and increase his need to use drugs again.) I basically walked on eggshells all day, every day to make him happy and want to stay. Still have no idea why I stayed. He wasn’t worth staying for. I had seen the mask slip and the red eyes flare and red charred skin peek through that human exterior. I had seen glimpses of the aggressively loud and abusive devil come through in glints. The blames thrown back at me made me take a pause and when I looked back up from the blow he placed on my heart and made me stop breathing for a second, the mask was fixed and the eyes were back to normal. It is so scary that we cannot register the feelings we have after it happens. We just try to breathe again with a normal in and out beat.

Businessinsider.com posted a great article, “Phrases to Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist.” The main problem is that you don’t know they are a narcissist until it is too late and you are too deep into the dark, vermin-ridden woods with them. They also discuss sociopaths in the article. I do believe that my experience was not only painted by a narcissist but decorated by his super strength level of sociopathic traits. Dr. Martha Stout wrote a book called “The Sociopath Next Door” and makes some profound points that hit me as harder as his harsh words have done. She says, “It’s like the ‘frog in the saucepan’ analogy.” You put a live frog in a warm water and it swims and enjoys the water until the heat is turned up slowly so that the frog dies slowly, never realizing it is being boiled to death. Yikes! At least the lobster screams in the hot water. How do they draw us into the pot though without us knowing. I mean we are smart, caring people. They ask all of the right questions to know where we are the weakest and what makes us and has made us hurt the most in life. They get to know our fears, our past heartbreak, our regrets, our likes and dislikes. They get to know all about us. Seems so nice to have someone so interested in us like they are. Lucifer stares at the potential bad guy and slowly asks in the nicest voice, “What is that you desire?” The answer to this is often used against them to solve the case and may put them in jail. Our hearts make us special and beautiful but they are the key to destroying us too (not to normal people they aren’t just dark souls). Narcissists and Sociopaths know this and are overly excited to get to know everything about us so that they can turn it all on us later. That is what gets us into that pot of warm soothing water in the first place…false charm and manipulated caring questions. I am glad that I found a way out of the pot before I boiled to death from the heat of this devil-like abuse.

In the show, Lucifer starts to feel the loving, caring feelings that it takes to make a real relationship work. I mean mutually work to benefit both people. But sadly, he is the devil and the feelings of selfishness, ego and pride still stand in the way of his growth. In the show, the characters keep reminding him that he was once an angel. We saw an angel when we first met these narcissistic, sociopathic, addicted souls too. They presented us with the angel version to lure us into the candy house only to shove us into the warm water and turn up the heat slowly over time.

I am not finished with the show, but I did leave it at a place where my heart is heavy with the imagery it paints for my own life. His wings are changing from angel to demon. I have seen that happening in my own life over the past years and even more now as we try to finish a very painful divorce that has been going on for over a year. It is like trying to talk to the “Devil in disguise” at times and everything is so confusing and hurtful. I read books about divorcing a narcissist. I wish I could say that they have helped me deal with it all. They did give me some useful pointers in dealing with him or speaking to him so as to not be lashed with his harsh words or cruel actions. If I am lashed, I am learning to not let it take me down. Like in the show, Lucifer cannot be killed except around the detective who he loves. Sound familiar again? The one you love can hurt you the most. Even kill you. I am learning to wear armor and protection when communicating or just seeing him. I don’t want to die from his illnesses. They are his burden to carry, not mine. They were never mine to carry. I tried to love him so much that he would drop the burdens and become the man I thought I had met and the man he said he wanted to be. That man who he pretended to be and said he wanted to be was just a fictional character and never existed. I gave my love for years and years to someone who threw it out like it was worthless trash. He has repeatedly shown me that he isn’t worth my love or my life. I deserve to have light not dark. To have happiness not sadness. To have laughter not tears. To have healing not regret. To have love not torture. To have goodness not evil. I deserve so much more than what a “Devil in disguise” can give me or my family. We deserve better than all that he has given us and continues to give us. YOU deserve more than all of this too. You are a beautiful, loving soul that is worth so much more than what they can offer you in life.

So if you get a chance to watch Lucifer, I recommend it. It is like a visual study of a narcissist’s brain and why we do fall for them in the beginning stages of their love bombing with lies, manipulations and masks of greatest to hide their true dark self. I still admit that Lucifer still has his attractive points but they are becoming less and less and now I just see the weak angry soul filled with all the qualities we run from in life. We have to pay attention to people and not jump into the pot of inviting water that they give us. If they are for real and have good souls worthy of our time and love, the water will be there but it will never be there to kill us like the narcissist, sociopath or addict wants to do.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe It Truths. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Peace In Being Alone. Breathe Out Fake People, Breathe In Real People. Breathe Out Being Conned, Breathe In Patience To Know Someone Well. Breathe Out Anger For Being Conned By The Narcissist, Breathe In Your Power To Love and Care (ESP For Yourself)

Who Is This Stranger I Was With?

Time at home like this makes those procrastinated projects jump to the front of the line. Like Winnie the Pooh says, “Oh bother.” It isn’t just about cleaning and organizing for some of us though. It is an effort in emotional control because the stuff we are organizing is filled with pain and confusion and can lead to awful triggers that take you down a very dark rabbit hole. I can stumble upon an airline ticket in a piece of luggage and remember the trip like it was yesterday, yet it was really years ago. Some of the trips bring up good memories of moments where I experienced family adventures that I never could have expected. Some trips bring up so much pain and sadness that it feels as if the moment is again in real time. Triggers are tricky. The good ones can help a bad day, but the bad ones can open an almost healed wound that hurts for days. Many of the “memories” I come across in cleaning and organizing make me think a lot. Think a lot about what, why and who? The most confusing and heartbreaking is who. Who is this person in the photograph? Who is this man that I married? Why does he not even resemble this old picture anymore? How does that happen?

I look at those pictures and think to myself why would someone pretend to be someone else for so long? How can they do that? This man looking back at me in those pictures is not the man of today. He is not the man who I saw years ago smile at me and laugh for good reasons. How did I see someone so different than now? He is that person and always was that person who is standing there today. He didn’t get worse. I just wasn’t allowed to see the worse. As I am reading in my book “Splitting” about divorcing a narcissist, I realize that these men and women wear masks. Many many masks that are different for everyone they come in contact with on their daily walk. My ex-husband wore many masks but I never got to see the real man behind them until we separated. It is a person filled with so much darkness and pain who wants to project all that onto those who finally see him for who he really is. It is like looking behind the curtain of Oz but he doesn’t reward you with a heart. It is more like he peels off that man costume and out comes the Wicked Witch of the West to torture you for revealing her cover. She doesn’t give you a heart, she takes your heart right out of your chest and laughs as the blood drips down her hands onto your feet. And then the flying monkeys enter and use your heart in a game of keep away. Every so often throw it the Wicked Witch as she pierces it with her long black nails and watches the blood drip more with a smile on her face. Wonder why they call narcissist’s aides flying monkeys? The narcissist has them so hyped on believing his lies that they do as he says and think he is a great leader. They see you as the awful person he has made drawn you as. I heard from others that I have been portrayed as a mean wife and mother (farthest thing from the truth). Crazy how at the end of the movie, when the witch melted away, they realize how wrong it all was and how controlled they were. And they see Dorothy for who she really is…a good person just wanting her family and home back. Sound familiar? Finally that movie makes more sense to me.

These masks are laid out in full color as I look through the photographs in the storage room. Whether he was playing rich and powerful businessman to those he wanted to impress, a loving husband to me, a doting father and husband to his family, a rich, single man to women, a man who can do what he wants to his friends, an addict to his aa group, etc. Why can’t you just be one person with one life and be that person to everyone? I have learned the answer to that is rather simple but yet very complicated. It is called narcissism, sociopath and borderline personality disorders that affect these people’s souls and minds. It is NOT an excuse, it is an answer. We need answers to feel like we are not crazy from the many faces we can meet in one day with this person. This person tells me that he loves me and just me and would never cheat on me while he is secretly sexting other women. He tells me he loves me when he comes home for having sex with one of them and lies about where he was with zero remorse. He tells his friends about his secret girls like they are trophies and make him a better man because he has a wife and girlfriends and no one is the smarter except him. He tells his kids that he wants to build his family a great home for all of us to live together and have a great future. Yet the reality is that he spending the money on other things and lending to “friends” to make him look better to these women and so-called friends where his ego is all powerful. This man wants to be the hero to everyone but his own family. I see this in all these triggers that I find on my organizing project. Pictures of his past that paint a better picture of the college guy who never really grew up. Pictures that cast a false light on a family man who looked out of place because underneath you can see his discomfort with being there in that moment. Never looked that closely at these pictures until now. Until I knew what I was really looking at.

Yes, being locked up in the room with all this stuff that can open old wounds is so hard and the reason I procrastinate the project. It has to be done. The water needs to be poured on the Wicked Witch of Narcissism. He is who he is and it will never change. He will never change. He will have a closet full of masks and wear them all day, every day because it is his ego that guides him. So every time that I look at a picture and feel shame for falling for the con of this grifter trying to steal my soul, I have to remember that he isn’t that person in the picture at that moment. His physical appearance isn’t who he is. His darkness and pain is who he is. Some pictures may not expose this. Some do. I was made to believe a lie and I am not a weak person because of it. I am strong because I loved someone who kept trying to hurt me. I kept trying to love this man into the light and out of his pain and addictions. There is nothing wrong with that at all. If anything, I have grown to believe that all this has made me a better person. I am wiser to the masks some wear. Yes, we all have them. Many days my mask is one with a smile so no one can see my pure pain inside. So what do I do with all these triggers of the past? I do what I need to do. I dispose of them so I don’t keep living the lie that he loved me. If I keep hold on the idea that this man could love me and still do all of the heinous things that he did to me, then the pain will never go away and the questions of what, why and who will haunt me forever. So I clean the clutter and throw out what is not needed anymore. Like that say at the end of every Alanon meeting, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I have chosen to leave the memories of him and our marriage forever and never look upon them again. Being done is a good feeling full of hope in healing. I am done with his masks and the memories good and bad because to me they were all just part of play he was performing. The play was cancelled and no one wants tickets. The doors are closed forever.

God bless you on this journey to take that bucket of water and pour it on the painful memories and wash them away forever. Take those painful “memories” and throw them away, burn them, melt them in water so you can heal. You are worth the healing and the light to shine brighter inside of you. Don’t feel bad for being made to believe something that you wanted to be true because you loved him or her. You are amazing for loving an unlovable person. You are strong and compassionate and worthy of all great things. Never forget that and move on towards a better day and happier life.

Breathe out triggers, Breathe in good times. Breathe out stuff of the past, Breathe in new tokens of better days. Breathe out the narcissist, Breathe in your good soul. Breathe out regret, Breathe in regrowth.