Pressure Points of Emotion

We all have them…pressure points that when pushed, we respond with certain emotions. Some people cry over Hallmark commercials when that little hand surprises a grandmother with a card for her birthday. Some people cry when they are in fear of the girl entering the dark house alone in a horror movie. Some people laugh when the girl is entering the dark house alone in the horror movie. Some people get so mad that are called to act about injustices on the news that are not in their towns. Some people get so depressed about injustices on the news. We all react differently in situations, but we all will react according to the pressure put on certain prominent emotions that surface for us based our experiences…Pressure Points of Emotion! Acupuncture but with sharp needles pushing on our brain and heart.

I realized that my pressure points are so highly sensitive lately. It definitely doesn’t take a sharp point to make them react. My most sensitive pressure point lately is anger and frustration. And when going through the highly sensitive field of divorce that is covered by various landmines, I have been pushed with his words and actions sometimes to the brink of insanity. Sometimes the burning sense of anger for the lack of empathy and understanding for what he has put me through is overwhelming. In times like this it is hard to find that space of calm and peace where you can gain the clarity and sanity required to breathe in and out until calmness returns to your inner being. I try to have a mantra, a prayer, a vision or a place to go to when this happens. Why is it so hard to grasp that at times of extreme pressure? Like I cannot see clearly from the instant fog covering all directions to safety. I am sure you know that feeling of confusion and standing alone if you have been through heartbreak of any kind. Or if you are like me, you have that one person who knows exactly where those pressure points are and pushes them so easily. I feel like he pushes them because he likes the reactions from me. He likes to see me twitch with emotions and uncomfortableness. I have read that narcissistic people get to know you well so that they know where to push you. I am feeling this way lately.

So what do you do during these times when tears come for no reason? There is no Hallmark commercial or sad movie on TV to make you cry. There is no horror movie making you scream in fear. But there is a situation happening in your own lives that triggers one or more emotions. The true insanity comes when they trigger them together…sadness and anger is the worst combination. I feel torn between crying and screaming. And then I tend to do both. Yelling while tears are flowing down my face unto my shirt. I am eventually drenched in tears of sadness and sweat of painful hot anger. Either way, I am not comfortable or healing in peace. I just want peace and comfort over these emotions. I don’t want to become consumed by these. I become someone whom I do not want to be in that moment. I don’t do well in conflict and anger. Sadly, these days in this divorce, he has me on a roller coaster of extreme emotions where I am so nauseous and just want to stop this ride and get out of the park. This ride is fueled by anger and sadness. This too shall pass right?

I need to understand my pressure points and what activates them and their reactions so that I do not react quickly or become someone that I do want to become in tense situations. This is not an easy task when flooded by emotional storms that start drowning your heart and mind. I am going to take deep breathes and think before I speak or react from now on, especially when he tries to push those points leading to anger, pain and tears. It will help me get through that turbulence and not into a new storm because of my emotions. I can create my own storms too. I have to remember this. Always remember this. I have been consumed by pain and emotions lately to the point that I cannot hear my own words sometimes and cannot see how my anger hurts my own soul. Staying in bed isn’t solving my problems. Yelling isn’t solving anything. Talking out of turn isn’t solving anything. I need to see the solutions like the lighthouse guiding me in the fog, instead of letting the fog consume me into fear, anger and sadness. We can all do this if we focus inward and pray very hard. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can and The wisdom to know the difference.” This should release those sharp needles pushing on the our pain and fears.

Breathe Out Anger, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Irritation, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Tears & Sadness, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out The Heaviness, Breathe In Peace & Calm.

Emotional Drought? We Need to Carry Love On

Love has taken on a entirely new form it seems. It lost its honest soul that motivates people to do good for good and be the light inside of the darkness. To stand up for a cause in the right way. To show support without aggression. To speak the truth without yelling. To embrace another without expectations. To simply love without strings or judgements. To not abuse someone who offers you love and support. When did love become such a shadow hiding in every day life? Maybe it always has been this way, but I am just now starting to understand it and really see it and feel it deep within my heart. Maybe it is the path my life is on at this time and love is harder to see through the many shadows around me.

Have you ever felt that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, that is how I am feeling lately for so many reasons. I have spent the past 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage where I did everything to make this narcissistic addict love me, see me and want to be with me. I allowed him to make me believe that I would never be enough, that there was something wrong with me. He did leave visible bruises with his fists of anger but he made my spirit and heart bleed with lies, secrets and manipulations of anger towards my love for him and us. I even reached out my severely weak hand to lift him up during his drug use. I loved enough to see him and the big picture than just myself. Living this way drains the energy from a soul. This drains the pools of love because you give and give from your resevoir but do not receive more to fill it back up in return. It is an emotional drought of your soul. You drain the tank and just run on empty for years. Eventually, you can no longer sustain yourself, you heart, your mind, your spirit running on nothing, not even fumes. However depleted I became, I am proud that I can love this way and still can even after being so beaten for my love. I can carry love on.

Coronavirus brought fear and people doing all they could to protect themselves and those that they love. But it was so sad to me that it grew anger and blame for other countries and governments. It brought out protests for what people saw as their right to choose a mask or not. A simple mask could save a life. Maybe your life. Maybe your loved one’s life. Maybe one of the worker’s who is saving lives. Simple mask showed love for others and yourself. This virus brought out people hoarding simple items that could save lives of those working to save lives. All for economic gain of themselves? Is money more important than a human life? There was definitely so many good acts and such positivity spread by the medical workers and people spending hard earned money to help others. The picture that stands in my mind is this one nurse in a mask standing up to a mass of protesters without masks. Such love in one person to stand up and show how simple love for each other can be displayed. What was she doing wrong? Her job to save lives of everyone, even that protester? Her own life was on the line to save more. That is love from the deepest place of a heart. Saving others at the expense of yourself. Why can’t love rule and we stand together? It hurts my soul that there is a sea of aggression and darkness trying to push love away. But we can carry love on.

Now these protests. These protests. So much aggression and darkness abounds behind the fires and broken glass. Where is the love for George and the others who have wrongfully died. These acts are not love for these victims. Stealing a new pair of Nikes from a store is not love. Shooting a cop in the head to show that you protest this is not love for George. Ruining the lives on innocent business owners just trying to survive after the shutdown, this is not love for George. Why is it so much easier to fuel hatred than it is to fuel love? Why can’t everyone in this world stand in unison, in silence, dressed in all black to mourn the loss of love and acceptance and working together to make this world a better place to live? Why can’t these protests mimic the cities where cops and civilians walk hand in hand in love and solidarity to create a consciousness of positive change. That would be love growing out of pain. That would be love dominating the new movement towards a better tomorrow. We can carry love on.

Today, I am feeling that this darkness over the world is the saddest weight laying on my soul. When did we get so lost in ourselves? When did we get so lost in the true meaning of “love one another” that we were taught as children? People are so ego driven with aggressive tones of wanting what they feel is best for themselves without the big picture coming into their view. From the narcissist in my life doing what pleases only him regardless of the bleeding souls on his path to the protesters losing site of the reasons behind what they are doing for a change towards the better, we are living in a world where love seems to be hiding in the shadows because it was put there. We are living in an emotional drought of love and acceptance. We are all in different places in our lives and affected by these places in different ways. Some are living in love and are here to help it grow again by spreading their rich supply from their souls. Others are so dehydrated by the missing positivity that they need love and to feel love again. We can love ourselves first and foremost to make sure that it never dies. But rememberer that loving yourself is not about an ego or self-advancement at the cost of others. Loving yourself actually helps you love others better. Can we all just love without the pain that grows from ignorance, selfishness and hatred? We can learn from pain, even the pain we may have caused in the past. Learn from it and grow into a loving and accepting soul. We are all made from the same dirt and start life in the same way. So why do we fight each other? I pray that God embraces us and guides us to a better tomorrow where we can grab the hand of a neighbor and hold it tightly until the love starts to grow again and diminishes the darkness hanging over this world. We can carry love on.

Breathe Out Hatred, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Violence, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Impulsive Aggression, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Emotional Drought, Breathe in Love. Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Love.

Is the “Devil in Disguise” Really That Far-Fetched?

I have been watching the Netflix show “Lucifer” with my son during this stay at home quarantine. We are on season 4 already but we have been watching a few shows at the same time. The show drew me in immediately. I laughed and cringed and carried a crush for Lucifer Morningstar. I mean he is very handsome, tall, confident, charming, smart, extrovert, a bad boy, an entertainer and can seem caring for some of the characters. Wow! Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Well, you get it right? He is too good to be true from that initial introduction. Yes, he is too good to be true. Ultimately, he is the devil in a human body to cover that scary face that he never wants regular people to see. He hides it. He only uses the red eyes and devil face when he needs someone to cooperate with his investigation. Sound familiar?

Well, it is familiar. To me it is familiar. I didn’t see the not so invisible thread from this entire show before but I do now. He is the embodiment of narcissism. The greatest definition of a narcissist is “The Devil in Disguise. ” I used to always think of my husband as the living version of Jekyll and Hyde. The same person and the only thing they had in common is the “y” but add a few different letters and it is a new person. The narcissist wants us to believe that he is this amazing, caring, compassionate and honest good person. We do believe it too. We believe it so much that we defend him at every chance. We get so deep into his swamp’s quicksand pool that we can’t get out. We start to settle in to this confining, painful life full of lies and secrets with him. We are brainwashed to believe that WE are the majority of the problems. We are made to believe that we didn’t love him the way he should be loved because he believes that we should give love to the highest power even when we are receiving the lowest amounts. We didn’t treat him the way he thinks he should be treated for being the great person that he is in his mind. We questioned our doubts and angered the narcissist and this was unfair to him to be questioned about anything. We didn’t give him the attention that his wonderful, occasional actions deserved but really it s that he requires the attention to keep his ego fueled every day. I was even told that it was my fault that he cheated. No, not his own choices to break our vows and our marriage, AND my heart. Once it was because I had to take care of two very sick small children. At times, I slept holding the newborn to make sure that she was still breathing or slept on the bathroom floor with an alarm clock to run a steam shower every hour for them. Exhausted and worried, I still would gather myself together with hair done and makeup on to greet him when he came to bed at night. I made him special dinners after a long day of work. I tried to keep the house as clean as possible to no “over stress” him. (He said it would add to his anxiety and increase his need to use drugs again.) I basically walked on eggshells all day, every day to make him happy and want to stay. Still have no idea why I stayed. He wasn’t worth staying for. I had seen the mask slip and the red eyes flare and red charred skin peek through that human exterior. I had seen glimpses of the aggressively loud and abusive devil come through in glints. The blames thrown back at me made me take a pause and when I looked back up from the blow he placed on my heart and made me stop breathing for a second, the mask was fixed and the eyes were back to normal. It is so scary that we cannot register the feelings we have after it happens. We just try to breathe again with a normal in and out beat.

Businessinsider.com posted a great article, “Phrases to Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist.” The main problem is that you don’t know they are a narcissist until it is too late and you are too deep into the dark, vermin-ridden woods with them. They also discuss sociopaths in the article. I do believe that my experience was not only painted by a narcissist but decorated by his super strength level of sociopathic traits. Dr. Martha Stout wrote a book called “The Sociopath Next Door” and makes some profound points that hit me as harder as his harsh words have done. She says, “It’s like the ‘frog in the saucepan’ analogy.” You put a live frog in a warm water and it swims and enjoys the water until the heat is turned up slowly so that the frog dies slowly, never realizing it is being boiled to death. Yikes! At least the lobster screams in the hot water. How do they draw us into the pot though without us knowing. I mean we are smart, caring people. They ask all of the right questions to know where we are the weakest and what makes us and has made us hurt the most in life. They get to know our fears, our past heartbreak, our regrets, our likes and dislikes. They get to know all about us. Seems so nice to have someone so interested in us like they are. Lucifer stares at the potential bad guy and slowly asks in the nicest voice, “What is that you desire?” The answer to this is often used against them to solve the case and may put them in jail. Our hearts make us special and beautiful but they are the key to destroying us too (not to normal people they aren’t just dark souls). Narcissists and Sociopaths know this and are overly excited to get to know everything about us so that they can turn it all on us later. That is what gets us into that pot of warm soothing water in the first place…false charm and manipulated caring questions. I am glad that I found a way out of the pot before I boiled to death from the heat of this devil-like abuse.

In the show, Lucifer starts to feel the loving, caring feelings that it takes to make a real relationship work. I mean mutually work to benefit both people. But sadly, he is the devil and the feelings of selfishness, ego and pride still stand in the way of his growth. In the show, the characters keep reminding him that he was once an angel. We saw an angel when we first met these narcissistic, sociopathic, addicted souls too. They presented us with the angel version to lure us into the candy house only to shove us into the warm water and turn up the heat slowly over time.

I am not finished with the show, but I did leave it at a place where my heart is heavy with the imagery it paints for my own life. His wings are changing from angel to demon. I have seen that happening in my own life over the past years and even more now as we try to finish a very painful divorce that has been going on for over a year. It is like trying to talk to the “Devil in disguise” at times and everything is so confusing and hurtful. I read books about divorcing a narcissist. I wish I could say that they have helped me deal with it all. They did give me some useful pointers in dealing with him or speaking to him so as to not be lashed with his harsh words or cruel actions. If I am lashed, I am learning to not let it take me down. Like in the show, Lucifer cannot be killed except around the detective who he loves. Sound familiar again? The one you love can hurt you the most. Even kill you. I am learning to wear armor and protection when communicating or just seeing him. I don’t want to die from his illnesses. They are his burden to carry, not mine. They were never mine to carry. I tried to love him so much that he would drop the burdens and become the man I thought I had met and the man he said he wanted to be. That man who he pretended to be and said he wanted to be was just a fictional character and never existed. I gave my love for years and years to someone who threw it out like it was worthless trash. He has repeatedly shown me that he isn’t worth my love or my life. I deserve to have light not dark. To have happiness not sadness. To have laughter not tears. To have healing not regret. To have love not torture. To have goodness not evil. I deserve so much more than what a “Devil in disguise” can give me or my family. We deserve better than all that he has given us and continues to give us. YOU deserve more than all of this too. You are a beautiful, loving soul that is worth so much more than what they can offer you in life.

So if you get a chance to watch Lucifer, I recommend it. It is like a visual study of a narcissist’s brain and why we do fall for them in the beginning stages of their love bombing with lies, manipulations and masks of greatest to hide their true dark self. I still admit that Lucifer still has his attractive points but they are becoming less and less and now I just see the weak angry soul filled with all the qualities we run from in life. We have to pay attention to people and not jump into the pot of inviting water that they give us. If they are for real and have good souls worthy of our time and love, the water will be there but it will never be there to kill us like the narcissist, sociopath or addict wants to do.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe It Truths. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Peace In Being Alone. Breathe Out Fake People, Breathe In Real People. Breathe Out Being Conned, Breathe In Patience To Know Someone Well. Breathe Out Anger For Being Conned By The Narcissist, Breathe In Your Power To Love and Care (ESP For Yourself)

What Day Is It Anyway?

The day, the time, the date…anyone know? Doesn’t it seem like when you get up in the morning that there is no rush, nor urgency to be anywhere? Snooze on the alarm doesn’t hold much power anymore. Especially on a day like today when the rain is falling from the thick dark clouds and cool winds are pushing you back under the covers. I think a great description for me on these days is motivational slumber. Lack of things to really do on a time schedule. Lack of urgency other than getting back to the latest binge watch. But there are urgent items on my list. Feels like these days, they are written in invisible ink and I can’t find the flashlight to see them.

So today I am going to sit down and really embrace those items I don’t want to see. The emotional pain that I need to deal with today. The mental stresses of the future that I need to start sorting through and getting things in order and ready. The physical relief that I can get from some exercise and movement. All of these things can help my inner peace and patience. I read my nightly inspiration before bed last night and it talked about patience. Patience is really the key to so much these days. Patience can make daily functions easier and more tolerable. Patience can give us clearer vision free from the obstructions of anger, sadness and fear. Patience can calm our hearts and minds to take on only that which we can handle that day. Patience is what breathes life into the Alanon and AA saying…One Day at a Time! Why I called this blog, Breathe, One Day at a Time. Patience with ourselves; patience with others; patience with the world around us. Patience is the key for today to not feel that you have to solve your divorce today, to figure out where you will work again, to figure out where you will live in a few months, to figure out the details of anything. You can solve only what you can. You can get ready for the divorce to end but not make it all happen today. You can look at jobs, get your resume ready and maybe even start sending it out to get ahead of the others applying. You can review housing options in different areas. You can save $10 here and $15 there to pay off something in a few months. It will all be okay. It may not be “the okay” that you wanted but it will be okay. I believe that. I have faith that God will never work so hard for us to good only to hurt us. It is hard for many of us to trust because we have been hurt by trusting others way too many times. Patience…you will get there. I am still a work in progress but at least I am working towards betterment. Some days better than others. But I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be honest. And being honest with myself will lead to being patient with what I can handle that day and progress will come naturally.

So today I wish you all well with your movement towards betterment and peace. Have patience with yourself. Do not allow the bad days to not cause guilt or shame or anger. We all have them and they are great tools to getting through the pain with strength and grace. Sending love and support to everyone today.

Breathe Out for 10 seconds and Breathe In for 10 Seconds…do this five times, 7 if needed and have the patience you need to get through today.

Why is it so hard to heal?

I have spent a year trying to heal after leaving him, finally. I mean really heal. I finally blocked his number. I only emailed about money and kids during our separation and divorce process. I tried to only email. Somethings, when in this awful process, are not email worthy. Sometimes you need a quick response or to actually talk about it. Or you want him to know you do exist and are not the ghost like he treats you as. But this just is so painful for me. Such a trigger to hear the anger and irritation in his voice. The same sound that has plagued me for years with criticism, lies, harsh words, denials and manipulations. The same voice that used to tell me he promised us a future. The same voice that promised to love me and never hurt me like I was before. The same voice that denied way too many times to count that he wasn’t cheating or ever had sex with someone. The same voice that swore on his own kids’ and his father’s lives at times when he was lying (as I found out much later). The same voice that used his twisted mind to yell at me when I was crying, not just tears but sobbing, about the pain I felt from another sign of a women or drugs that I had found. The same voice that talked in circles and changed his stories four or five times to make me the crazy one for even thinking that he was cheating or using drugs again or doubting him in any way. Then the same voice that would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to change and make our marriage better the very next day. Only to find out that he was just worried that he would get caught because he was cheating with one or more women. Because he was using drugs. Because I was right and on to his lies and secrets. He hated to be exposed for his lies.

I was constantly punished for realizing the lies and secrets that he was holding. I was always the bad guy because he was not keeping his promises and vows to me and our marriage. I never cheated. I never lived another life behind his back. I was his wife and only his wife. I was a mother and loved every minute of it. I was thankful and appreciative for his hard work. I tried to show him that with cards, flowers, gifts, meals, texts, etc. But nothing was good enough. I never felt good enough. I was compared to other women. “You should dress like that.” Or, “Your hair would great that color.” I would dress like that, wasn’t good enough. I would change my hair color, not good enough. I was starting to break down into a pile of nothingness because he was making me believe that that is exactly what I was…nothing. He made me believe this when he spoke with his painful voice filled with criticisms, anger, lies, manipulations and false promises. He had me trapped in his web of deceit and I had no idea how entangled I was. Now I realize, but the damage has been done. He had spun me so tight that I couldn’t move. He never fully killed me. Just drained me enough to ensure that I would not go too far. He needed me in a way. He needed to look like a successful family man. Strippers, young sleazy girls and other addicts looking for fun don’t make you look successful at all. I was just a prisoner for his facade.

I know you are thinking, “Why didn’t she leave sooner?” Great question. I wish that I had an answer for that one. I really wish I had an answer for that one. But I was so exhausted and so beaten up that I couldn’t move. I didn’t think I could do it on my own. He had me believing that I needed him. He had me so confused and hurt. I just wanted him to love me like I loved him. And I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I mean I was a great wife to him. I loved him and treated him well. I was not denying him any pleasure at all. I tried date nights all dressed up as sexy as I could get or just sitting in front of a fire watching a movie with a great dinner. I even gave up drinking wine or alcohol in front of him unless he told me he wanted me to have a glass…I did this for 10 years for him. He was supposedly clean and sober and I wanted to support that. He wasn’t clean and sober for 90% of our relationship, so I have found out now. Painful living a lie for so long and you thought it was the truth.

That is why I hurt so much now. Acceptance is so tough when you don’t even understand what you are accepting. There is no clear definition of truth and lies anymore. There is no validation from him because he doesn’t believe the truth. He is still living in the lies and denials of the past as the truth and said he would not go there to help us or me ever. I don’t even know what was real between us. So I have just had to embrace it all as the reality I never understood and that I was not part of it in the way I had thought. I have had to accept so many more women and drugs and people and issues and pain than I ever thought possible. This has not been easy in any way over this past year of learning the truths that lurked in the shadows for 18 years. When you loved someone and believed in them so much and they turn out to not be that person…What do you do with that? Where do you start?

So in trying to heal this year, I burned all my wedding photos of us together. I burned all the photos of us together at any time. I had to burn the past that I was not the truth so that I could move on from the false reality of love and promises to the honest reality of betrayal and pain that was our marriage. It has made it easier to move past the past, but at times it just hurts so much that I wasn’t loved in return. I know people, who deal with addiction, narcissism, sociopathic tendencies and other personality issues, cannot really ever love anyone but themselves. Knowing this makes it better but not always easier. It is a process that can take years to recover from the severe emotional abuse and triggers of trauma. I am willing to work all the way through that. I just wish on days like this that it would move faster towards peace and serenity and not feeling so abused and taken advantage of by the person you gave your heart to. But sadly some people still cannot care about your pain because they would have to accept their part in it to care. I seems he cannot accept his part as he dumps his past off the cliff and just walks away towards a new life. I know that I am a good person and don’t deserve this pain given to me by him. I deserve better. I deserved better. I will get better for myself and someone will treat me better when I do heal. I am not the bad person that he has made me out to be nor was I the problem in our marriage. I tried my best to reach him and save us and our family. I couldn’t do that alone and that is well, that is okay. One day at a time I will get better and stronger and the past will be burned like the photos on that summer evening. And my occasional pain will just be a reminder of what I deserve and what I will no longer accept in my life.

I know I usually do the Breathe Out, Breathe In….Today just BREATHE IN and OUT and feel better

Quarantined In Our Thoughts and Feelings

This whole idea of being quarantined during this health crisis really makes me think. I have been thinking about so much. There is too much time to think. There is too much time and not enough routine distractions. Trying to find good things to do instead of sorting through the clutter in my head. These are difficult days for someone trying to heal from new loss, past trauma or profound changes on the horizon. Empty time creates racing minds and troubled hearts. As I am going on week three inside my home with limited outings, I have been battling with painful feelings and memories as I sit in a house that once housed a family of four. A house that held dreams and hopes of the three still living here. A house that promised a future of togetherness and love for us as family of four. We had to face these changes and accept that we can keep these hopes and dreams for a future as a family of three and hopefully in a new home. A home that will keep these hopes and dreams safe for us. I thought all of these intense feelings were because I was feeling so alone without physical contact to friends and family. It isn’t. This awful pain was triggered by the walls that witnessed the emotional abuse and they started to talk to me about the honest loneliness of this family over the years. The loneliness of living with a drug addict. The loneliness of living with a narcissistic personality. The loneliness of living with a sociopathic personality. The loneliness of living with an ego bigger than the Stalin statue. The loneliness of living with constant emotional and mental abuse. Being stuck in my house with nowhere to go and nothing really to do, I feel like I am back in this horrible marriage that I was stuck in and had nowhere to go. I feel the sadness of the loss of the dreams and hopes all three of us had for this home and this family. The feelings are overwhelming lately.

It is crazy to me that certain events can trigger such deep pain to fester up and infect our souls and minds again and again. This is how I know for sure that this was not a typical marriage. This was not a divorce because we fell out of love or married too young and grew apart. This was a divorce because I didn’t want to wither up and die from the abuse that was dissolving my soul. For years I felt myself weakening inside. I had the symptoms. Many of the symptoms on the lists for abuse. I just didn’t have the bruises and scars on the outside like I associated with abuse. I started with a few internal symptoms and thought it will get better. He will get better. I will get better. The symptoms got worse and more in number. I got worse and more in pain. By the end I was so numb to it all that I didn’t even see the truth flashing at me like a cop car at midnight trying to pull me over. I was so quarantined within this marriage that I just stayed put and made myself believe that it was all good. I started to believe that all the lies and manipulations and secrets were not that bad even though I would lose 10 pounds in a month or cry myself to sleep nights in a row. I made myself believe that he really loved me beneath it all and he would see me as the wonderful wife I was. I lied to myself that this was all going to be okay when he got sober. I believed it was his addiction that abused me not him. That feeling alone in a marriage was okay for a wife of an active addict. Not just okay but normal. That being quarantined by his disease and his abuse was normal. I thought if I stayed put for a certain amount of time that it would all be better and I would feel loved and not alone. It wasn’t his addiction that made him abuse me; it was him. He got sober and nothing changed. He always cheated and lied no matter what. I was being held inside the walls of a terrible, painful marriage and needed to find a way out to survive and heal from the toxic virus trying to kill me.

Nothing is normal about being quarantined. Humans are made to be with other humans. We are not a solitary species. We need love and appreciation to feel good and thrive. How can you get that if you are alone and have no contact with other people? You can’t get that and something inside just hurts. Something inside fears this emptiness. Something inside cries over the vacancy sign to which no one responds. I can’t believe I survived in quarantine for the past 12 or more years. It may have been longer but I was unaware because I was lying to myself for so long about who he really was. Maybe I was alone, stuck in an empty relationship for more years than that. I think I know that answer, but I don’t want the truth. That is a truth to finally accept would hurt too much. I know that truth and it is that he never loved me and I was alone from the start. I just can’t fully accept that yet. Not just yet. I am working on it, especially now that I have so much time in this isolated feeling running through my entire being. It is the most painful thing to accept…that you were never loved, just duped into believing someone’s lies about how they felt.

So I have had too much undistracted time lately to think about the past and being at peace to completely set the pain free like a newly pardoned prisoner. I hate too much time. I like the distractions of a busy life. Distractions are the best tools for not having to think about anything. I need to find distractions now. I pray for them to come my way. I am trying to create them with working from home. I am trying to create them for my kids too and no not just school work. They are feeling the pain too as I can tell. A mother knows her babies so well. They had hopes and dreams of this house and this family that are held in the walls keeping them locked in at this time. I understand their pain. I live their pain. We were all disappointed in how life turned out for our family. We are all grieving the loss of a family we wanted so badly together. I held my son as he cried about it all to me just the other night. Tears that hurt my heart to the core. Tears that I felt guilty about because I want to protect them from pain. But this pain is one I have to remind myself that I did not cause, cannot cure and cannot control for them. I can just love them and support them through the healing. I can sit with them and hold them while they have to be quarantined with their own thoughts and feelings. I can distract them with good things that are reminders to have hope in the promises of a better tomorrow and my love. We will all get through this time, some better than others. We all have things to overcome and heal from. I pray that you all make it through this time of being alone and heal and grow stronger from it.

Breathe Out Toxins, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Comfort. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Wholeness. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Guilt, Breathe In Patience. Breathe Out The Past, Breathe In Your New Future.