Do I Have An Addiction?

Going through a divorce can be one of the most difficult times in life. The difficulties are different for each person. I have had friends struggling with the financial burdens that it places on the family. Some other friends are financially stable but not emotionally stable and still in love with the person. Then there are those that are hit by every bolt of lightning in the ferocious storm. No matter what part is pounding on your mind and heart, I know you are suffering in a way that you are having a tough time explaining to anyone who has never gone through this trial.

I am one of those super lucky winners with every lightning bolt zapping me at a constant and steady pace. Since we split and decided to divorce, I have discovered way too much about our marriage that has struck me with jolts so strong that I ended up on the floor of despair at times. I never knew that he was so proud of his large cocaine deal so he had the means to buy me an engagement ring. That one really made me detest that ring even more than I did before this information. I never knew that when he was in drug treatment during our marriage (and telling me that he was working on saving our marriage and the family) that he was really keeping his affair going as a “single man” living in the big city. He even had the nerve to use my hotel account to get an upgrade for a “meeting” one day. I never knew that he had been carrying on with two moms in my children’s school that year. I never knew that he was sneaking out of our bed and our house at 2am to buy and/or sell drugs. I never knew that he had not given up Tinder after the first time it was discovered and promised to end. BUT to top it all off with an extra helping of pain, I found out that the house we had raised our children in for the last 7 years was never mine in any way…even though WE were paying his parents slowly for it. You see it was a family home that his parents “gifted” it to him on paper but he was really making payments to them. And since it was a gift on paper, I had zero rights to it according to law. However, I could have really gotten nasty to prove it was not a gift and the massive mortgage that he took out was being paid by our money. I didn’t want to be that woman who got nasty in the divorce. Still to this day the divorce has not been in my favor and I am still waiting on the money from our marriage. I only wanted what I deserved but I didn’t want to be nasty. I need to stop being so nice and stand up for myself and my children. He has always taken what he wants while I just learn to be happy with what he offers me. I have to stop being this way. I deserve more. This is how I spent our entire marriage. Playing nice and walking on eggshells with the hopes of always making others happy and making it all work to be good and normal again.

The one thing that I didn’t see over the years was a very important reality…it was not good or normal. It was never normal and hardly good. I wanted it to be so badly that I didn’t allow myself to see the reality right there in bright lights. He always had wandering eyes from day one. He professed his great dedication to me and was upset when I was not just with him after our second date. We still were not really there after the second date. I had doubts. I had every right to have doubts with the way he acted and what I had heard about him on occasion. The ironic thing is that he was mad at me about seeing other people but after 5 or 6 dates he was still seeing his old “girl friend” from when we met. It was never equal or honest. I couldn’t understand it, but after a few months, I became addicted to him. He was so charismatic and funny. He was always out and about and up for fun. He paid attention to me. He sent flowers, called me throughout the day and made an effort to meet me for lunch. He cooked for me and made fires for us. We went out on his boat (well, actually his dad’s boat), he liked to say they shared it. He was love bombing me with everything that he knew I wanted and needed to create the addiction. He wanted me to be addicted to him. I have seen him do it to others. If heroin had a persona it would be this man. His drug makes you feel so important, warm and understood. It fills your veins with it’s embrace and tells you that you need it and want it more and more. It makes you believe that you are better with it. You are stronger with it. You are prettier with it. You will be special and loved by it. He was heroin. He wanted me to become addicted to him so that I fed his narcissistic addiction for attention and power. I fell hard and fast. We were engaged within 8 months of first date. This is crazy when I look back and remember that I hesitated with him after the first date and it took us almost another month before we had three dates. I drank the punch and injected the warmth of lies, secrets and manipulations that poured from his mouth. I saw the red flags of his real character. It was not a good one either. It was a character opposite of mine. It was a character filled with greed, dishonesty, anger and distrust. His “friends” were involved in things that I disagreed with and always did. So I constantly ask myself why did I continue down this path with him when I saw these red flags and holes in the hope that he offered me? Because his addictions and his issues with narcissism gave him the ability to hoodwink me and others into believing that what he says is the truth. Those false words are the very things that encouraged me to open my soul to him by that fireside. He asked the right questions and got the answers that he needed to make sure I was easily manipulated and drugged by him. I really do wish at times that he had just puts some mickeys in my drinks so I didn’t feel so stupid for being so stupid. I know now that I wasn’t stupid. I keep reminding myself that he made sure that he became the drug I needed to fall deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole of his power and control.

Fall into that hole? Yes, I did; and I hit that bottom so hard I am still healing from those wounds. I went through a marriage filled with so much cheating and lies about cheating that it made a season of a soap opera look boring. Some of the lies are actually funny now. But at that time I was so wrapped up in the ropes of false love and confusing words that I couldn’t see humor or pain or anything. I just wanted to find a way to make it all better. To make us better as a couple. I kept saying, “I love you so much. Why don’t you want me?” I fought to stay where I wasn’t even wanted and with someone who didn’t love or want me. What was wrong with me? Who does this? I was so mad at myself over and over throughout the marriage and even more so in the divorce. Now I get it. I can’t be mad at myself. I was addicted to wanting him to love me. I was addicted to making it work. I was addicted to the love that I thought was there. The love that I pretended was there. I started a family with kids and didn’t want to change that or lose that. I was addicted to being a success story instead of a failure. I was addicted to him as much as he was addicted to his pleasures of women, drugs, secrets and getting away with dishonest acts. I was addicted to his return of affection as he was to love bombing and having attention from many at one time. I knew that I only wanted to have a loving family that made great memories to create warmth and lasting happiness. I knew that I wanted to share my life with someone who saw the same horizon as I did. I believed that if he was sober he would love me and could love me. It had nothing to do with sobriety from drugs or alcohol. It had everything to do with him and who he was. It had everything to do with the fact that I was so desperate to make it work and make him see me and love me like he did when he was love bombing me with false hope.

I got taken over by someone who made me believe that he was that man who loved, cared for, and wanted me. I used to beat myself up for this entire story and how could I have allowed such emotional, mental, verbal and financial abuse to be forced on me for over 16 years. I would cry to God, “What is wrong with me?” God finally helped me find the answers to my pain and heartache. I didn’t cause this. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. I was just another woman on his path of pain and destruction for his own ego and pleasure. Just another woman, that’s it. Yes, I did get married and stayed married for far too long. I should have ended it when the first known affair took place at year 5. That would have been 11 years ago. But I didn’t because I believed in love and what marriage meant. I believed in fighting for what was important to me…my family and my husband. I did mess up and make mistakes along the way with handling the pain and confusion of lies. I understand now that I was just a human trying to navigate uncharted waters of unknown darkness and demons. I understand more what addicts go through now from this. I was addicted to someone whom I wanted to make love me (I kept dwelling on what I thought once was but not look at what is really was). I was addicted to making myself matter to someone to the point where I stopped being my true to myself.

Recovery is possible from the pain of betrayal. Recovery is possible from the pain of divorce. All these things are just a portion of life. They do not define us. I am not defined by him or his lack of love and honesty. I am defined by the fact that I was honest, faithful, loyal, loving, caring, forgiving and steadfast and he took advantage of that and used it against me for too many years. I stayed true to myself. I did get lost in him and what I believed him to be. But that is okay. I woke up and saw the light at the top of the hole. I crawled out of that hole to live in the new warmth of the truth shining on me. The truth was hard to see and hear but necessary for my recovery and growth to a happier more loving world where he is not part of my days. It does take time and healing is not linear. There are good and bad days. The strongest light is that the good days slowly start to outweigh the bad ones. I couldn’t say that two years ago. I am still sad that I allowed such unacceptable behavior by him. I am still mad that I allowed myself to be abused as I was. But I am getting strong every day. One day at time. Let go and let God. Progress not perfection. Keep it simple. This too shall pass.

Breath Out Negativity, Breathe In Positivity. Breathe Out Addiction, Breathe In Recovery. Breathe Out Feeling Bad, Breathe In Feeling You Again.

Letters from the Past

I was cleaning out my computer to make room for new files. It is like life when you have delete things from the past to make room for better things in the present. And I came upon this untitled file. It was a letter that I wrote to my then husband after finding yet another woman being kept in the dark even though I helped him once again get into rehab and recovery. This was before all of the insanity of his disease and narcissism really started to pound me into a dark and very deep rabbit hole of pain and regret. So many of the sentiments have changed from this letter. I no longer see him with love. Not even the smallest amount of love still exists. When I see him now, I see the two headed monster that is one way to others and one way to me. I see him as the greatest disappointment of a person in my life. Our divorce has been the worst experience of my 48 years on this earth. His narcissistic desires to control me with money are still raging after we signed but I am away from him and can better control the level that his abuse impacts me now. I wanted to publish this letter so that others can see that the effects of emotional and verbal abuse from a narcissist or addict can really make your head and spin with a myriad of thoughts and feelings. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We have all gone through this in these situations. Not all the same but very similar with what it does to us, our families and our friends. You are not alone in this struggle. Divorce is hard. Divorce from a narcissist or addict is even harder. We become puppets in their games until we have the strength to cut the strings. The one focus that has and always will remain my main goal is the healing and positive progress of me and my children. We deserve it. We are worth it. God will take care of my ex and His justice for his actions will deliver the consequences of continually and intentionally hurting people who truly loved him.

Dear XXXXX,

I always carried this inner happiness and joy and love with me. I loved the idea that each day was an opportunity to learn something new and grow into a better version of who God wants me to be. I loved that God gave me joys and love in unexpected places and in new people all the time and that He always held my hand.  All I ever wanted in life was to have people to share this with.  I really wanted a partner to share this with and learn from and exchange happiness and love with every day.  I love the idea that we all go through painful times to help others with similar pains. I want to help others like that. And especially help my partner with the pains that I could help with and hold hands for the ones I can’t. I still have this happiness and joy in me but forgot I had it for a little while or actually thought it didn’t matter at times that I had it in me to share.  

I can’t say this to you face to face because I can’t see you without any tears while I have them filling my eyes and making it hard to get to the words.  That has made me feel even more alone and less important every time.  And you don’t have to worry about time or getting anywhere when we talk and leave me feeling abandoned again and again, because you can read this on your time and as long as it takes. 

I have done deep soul searching and going over things in my mind to the point of craziness.  I just wanted to be sure that I am making the best decision for myself and this family. I believe I am.

I can no longer hold on to a dream that keeps me up at night, keeps me crying and keeps disappointing me with new fears.  The dream of us is something that has brought me more pain than comfort over the past few years. I cannot compete with what I don’t know anymore.  I cannot compete to be loved or chosen or to be the one.  I cannot compete for time. I am exhausted and worn to the bare bones of my whole being by all this. 

I know I will never feel safe enough to trust you enough to rebuild our relationship again. There will always be ways for your past to find you whether on LinkedIn, Pinterest or office email or private email. And I constantly ask myself that all these “someones” were enough to risk losing me at different points, so why not now? There will always be places, apps and  internet arenas for you to meet new others and for you to become interested in other women again. There will always be those sleazy someones out there around town, in meetings, on bus or trains or others you can travel to who are ready to flirt or want to “cheat” with you. I can’t trust you to choose me and that hurts me too much.  I don’t believe that I will ever be enough for you or the only one you want.  And I believe that your friends in recovery will often push me out because you feel more comfortable with them.   I don’t want to hear it’s not comfortable to be with me. That the wife who has been by your side for 16 years is pushed away for someone you have known weeks or months.  That deeply hurts me. I know recovery is a bond but I deserve and am worth the time to be with my husband and try to be there with him on a difficult journey that I stayed with him on for a long time to help him even in the darkest of days. I deserve to be shown how important that I am to his recovery too if that is how he feels about me.  My husband should be comfortable with me and want to talk to me and want to get close to me again.  This is what I wanted to see you do for so long now. But to my sadness I had to accept that is only true if you deeply felt that you need to be with me and desire to save our marriage and us along with yourself.  I learned at my retreat that you can save yourself and your marriage together if that’s what you truly wanted.  

I don’t want to keep feeling my heart break when you don’t wear your ring (mine was off because of the broken promises behind it and only you could make it feel comfortable again but I feel yours is off because of resentments to me and because you gave up on me)  I don’t want to be hurt from hearing a crazy, not normal excuse for being late or where you are going or who you were with or who is on the phone. I don’t want to feel like I am not worth the truth.  I don’t want to feel that I am not very important to my husband. Sadly, I have felt this too often.  And that hurts me.  I don’t need the drama of someone “chasing my plane “ but I did most definitely need an obvious effort by now. 

I know you have said you want to be 1000% sure you won’t hurt me again.  I see it since you don’t know that clearly at this point or haven’t in sobriety during past two times after treatments then the answer is most likely that you will never be sure if you can completely choose me.  That’s not the marriage I want or deserve.  I want an equal marriage. Equally broken and damaged but equally in love and in efforts to help heal each other faithfully and compassionately forever.  

I don’t see us having a marriage like this after everything. I have fallen so hard over the years with you and I am so broken and bruised. You are trying to recover again.  I have been here trying to hold you up and support you so long even when I gave all I had to you at my own expense.  I desperately needed that support and love from you too, but I understand you haven’t been able to do that for me for a very long time because of your own struggles.  

Your recovery is first for you and I would never jeopardize that for your life depends on it.  And I desperately want our children to have their father.  I want you to thrive and survive too.  I know I deserve my dreams too.  I want to let go of these painful dreams so I can heal and so I can find new dreams that don’t hurt me. I want to stop putting hope in a basket with no bottom. The only way I can heal is to completely let go of the dream of us and me being the only one to you like I vowed.  I need you to let go of me too without keeping me tied to you for various reasons.

This was the toughest decision and why I couldn’t say it to you.  I want the best for both of us. This marriage stopped being the best for a while.  I tried to make it better because I deeply love you.  I tried to make you want me to be what I once was to you. But I can’t try anymore sorry.  I have to give up to save myself from any more heartbreak and pain that I fear will come or already is happening again. I can’t know about any more women in your life and even after we are separated it will hurt me so badly because really we are still married and the doors of hope would still be open. I just wanted you to prove it if you wanted it while we were apart.  I don’t want to be heartbroken anymore by other women. 

Sadly a divorce is the only answer to fixing our broken marriage and giving us each the places to heal. If you care for and love me at all, please, let me go with love, compassion and respect for what I have gone through to bring me to this decision.  We are going to be co-parents to two absolutely amazing kids that deserve everything we can give them now.  They deserve to have a happily separated family. 

I love you and you will always have a place in my heart. I will always pray for your serenity and happiness. I will always pray for your sobriety and path towards better tomorrows.  I wish this wasn’t the answer but it is the only answer for me to heal and get better.  And I do believe an answer for you too.  With me in your life, I would have to ask you to give up so much that I know you don’t want to give up and most likely can’t give up like other women and your secrets. And I know this because you have never wanted to or couldn’t give these things up for me in past even after many times asking.  It’s your choice to what you want and don’t want in your life.  I have had to accept that some things are just too hard to change or give up.  

I have never wanted this and have fought with every ounce of myself to make it not happen.  I can look at myself and know I tried every way possible to save us but I couldn’t do it anymore no matter how much love that I have in my heart for you. Some things just are not meant to stay the same.  Some people’s roles are to change in our lives. I have prayed for many years for strength, guidance, knowledge and courage to help us and you and myself. I believe God is going to lead us both to peace and serenity now.  I will always love you and pray for you and hope for your long term sobriety and peace.  I will always support you in recovery and cheer for your accomplishments. You showed me how much I can love and how strong I truly am. For this, I am Forever grateful.  God gave us each other for a great reason and it is not something I wish didn’t happen because from us came two of the most amazing humans to grace this earth. I would do it again for them and for the lessons and strengths that I have gained over these years.  Thank you for that. Thank you for our beautiful children who have shown me that being a mother is the greatest joy I never knew I could have and more about love than I ever understood.  They are the partners for sharing happiness, joy, love and amazing God moments that teach me every day.  They, too, have made me a better woman.  

I hope we can do this as friends because I will always consider you a friend for life.  I wish this wasn’t the answer but I don’t see any other way to help me heal and not get hurt anymore.  

This quote really said it all for me. 

Breathe Out Past, Breathe In New Future. Breathe Out Sadness, Breathe In A Genuine Smile. Breathe Out What Was, Breathe In What Is. Breathe Out Old Dreams, Breathe In New Dreams. Breathe Out Damage, Breathe In Recovery.

What is Love?

Last night was a good night and a tough night. I had success in finding a movie that I had not seen and my daughter wanted to watch. This is not as easy as one would think with so many options at our fingertips these days. We surfed through Hulu, Netflix and Prime to finally find a winner…”Letters to Juliet”. I knew she would agree when I said it was based on Romeo and Juliet. She likes the twists and turns in an on screen romance. She watches tv shows more than once, even the ones with 16 seasons. She gets emotionally involved in the characters and stories. I understand her. I have done this with so many movies and tv shows. I have loved watching movies and tv since I was young. This world of characters called me into acting and production for part of my life. No, I am not an actress now. I would have been great but never got that chance to show the world what I had in me. I learned so much from that screen filled with stories of love, pain and strength. I have been brought to tears from someone I have never met and anger for someone who really didn’t do anything. I have also been brought to a place of deep questions for my own life. Last night was one of those nights. This movie made me reflect on, “What is love?” I mean real, deep love for another person unrelated to you.

The main character, Sophie, with a distracted fiancé on one side and realist pessimist on the other, contemplates what love is to her. Interesting combination of two men in a movie to make a girl think about her heart. Is love having someone who shares your level of passion for work, even to the point of making it a priority over you? Is love balancing the pessimist and the optimist (the opposites attract theory) into a solid middle ground where a foundation of love is created? What is love? What does it look like? What does it feel like? How do you know it when it arrives? Hollywood is always trying to answer this and make us feel what love is. But after years and years and years of watching that screen, I know that they answer it but I don’t know for myself.

As I fell asleep last night, a sad realization covered me like the heaviest of weighted blankets. This one was not soothing like it should be when an understanding enlightens the darkness. I have no idea what love like this really does feel or look like. I know what it is to fall in love the moment you see your baby for the first time. The moment they grab your hand and look up like they are safe and happy. The moment they come to you with a heavy heart and embrace you for comfort and you would do anything for them. You would take every ounce of pain so that they never have to feel it again. I love my children so much that I would never hesitate to sacrifice my life for them. I know this love as a parent. What about love like falling in love with a partner, a soulmate, a significant other, a spouse? The heavy realization was that I have never really been in love like this. I have never felt this kind of love. I have never seen this kind of life in a man towards me. What does that safety and warmth look like and what would it do make sure you knew it was there?

My relationships when I was young were not love they were what I think of as “young love”. I was too young to really understand what it all meant and was and could be. I wanted to believe in love and destiny and all that was in the movies. Then I was in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be in and met a guy who was not what I was looking for in my new 30s. It was destiny that I was there. It was destiny that we met. Right? I wanted to believe this despite all of the red flags popping up from the start. I wanted to believe in love, truly destined love. But I never stopped to really think or dive into my head and heart, I just let the Hollywood-like story play out. Looking back now I wasn’t in love, really in love. In the movie, Sophie talked about realizing that she wasn’t in love with her fiancé because she wasn’t upset when they were apart; she didn’t miss him like she should. When the pessimist started to warm up when he saw the long lost love reunion of his grandmother in action, Sophie felt his warmth reach her soul. She understood his transformation because she was transforming too. They were coming to the understanding of love together. That is where love starts…that understanding of personal transformation together. She missed not seeing him, hearing him or being near him. She knew she had to end her engagement and tell the other guy of her love.

That is what I have not experienced in my life. That feeling that your life is missing a piece without that person. I was hit by many rough and heavy bricks laying in bed last night alone. Here they are. I saw that I didn’t miss him when we were apart. Even when we were constantly together and I had to work in France for three weeks, I strongly debated with myself about permanently returning to France. It is all I had ever wanted to do. My opportunity was so close now. Upon returning to the States, it should have been like a movie and that great definitive moment upon seeing him that I knew to choose him. Not so. He didn’t even pick me up at the airport after all this time and saying how much he missed me. He sent a car service. How unromantic and unfulfilling, so why did I not see that he was not truly in love with me then? You truly love and miss someone and decide you can’t lose them, you don’t send a car service. Maybe that is what I needed a grand gesture to make me trust love, to trust his love. This guy in the movie crawled up a wall of vines to be closer to her when he professed his unspoken love for Sophie. That is a grand gesture. I had been empty of anyone showing that in any way and still was. Maybe I needed to see love in order to let mine free. This is how it went in marriage for us. No grand gestures of love instead grand gestures of betrayal. So when we were apart, I didn’t miss him in love but worried in pain of more betrayals. Love couldn’t grow in that setting. Love needs love to grow. Someone needs to be missed in order to miss. Understanding each other leads to the transformation of love. I tried to understand him with every ounce of my mind and heart. I really did. But it is hard to understand a chameleon. It is hard to feel safe and have love grow in an inconsistent world.

It is more than just missing someone though. It is a feeling deep into your toes. You see on people’s faces who are deeply in love. It is like that person makes them feel so blessed, secure and seen that they glow. How do they get this right in movies so often? I have never felt this either. I never felt so calm because of love creating a secure place. I often felt like my husband looked right through me and I didn’t really exist. His hand and his embrace stopped giving me that sense of safety and warmth that it did occasionally in the beginning of our story. I never felt that lava seep down from a kiss into my toes like I had finally arrived at home instead of just a night of passion. Even on my wedding day, that excitement and warmth of walking down the aisle towards a man that felt like the place where you belonged to be, was not there. I wanted to feel that. I hoped to feel that. I did have that feeling of loving him and wanting to spend my life with him. I promised and committed my life and growing in love on that day. I kept that promise and worked on growing in love and never was disloyal to him. But now I am not sure why I felt that way. I had not had that moment of truly knowing for sure that love was our understanding. I had not had that warmth of security flow through my veins into my heart and make me feel that transformation for us. I didn’t hold his hand and never want to let it go. I forgave him over and over and tried harder than I think most would have tried. I wanted to make it work because I didn’t want to fail for my children’s sake. I wanted them to see loving parents as I had seen. But I am very rare in that aspect even then. I decided it was worse for me to stay and teach my children that love is how much pain you can tolerate. Now I cannot even remember him or us as part of my life because he never put himself in it or made love grow. How can you love someone who isn’t really there?

I do want to feel that deep love for someone and from someone. To feel that security in the simplicity of holding hands and being embraced. To feel the lava of a kiss solidify deep into your toes and stay beyond the initial passion. To feel that desire to see the face or hear the voice when you are apart. I think my marriage was doomed from the start because my desire to deeply love was never given the opportunity to grow. Acid doesn’t make a plant grow. And lies, secrets, manipulations and false professions do not make love grow. I wish I had felt that deep love grow after we first met. Maybe someday someone will climb a wall of vines to make sure I understand that we share a transformation of understanding our love and I will feel that warmth, security and genuine passion throughout my entire body and mind. Not every story ends with true love’s kiss. That is okay. My story is continuing with self-love, strength and an acceptance and understanding of being on my own and working towards my goals again. I allowed someone to steal my understanding of what love is to me, but I will never do that again. I am worth more than that. Love is worth more than that. Here’s to finding love like the movies. Keep watching and learning and asking the deep questions of life so you can grow into the person that you are meant to be…happy and loving yourself.

Breathe Out Questions, Breathe In Understanding. Breathe Out Failures, Breathe In Moving On. Breathe Out Staying in Pain, Breathe In Letting Go Towards Self-Love. Breathe Out False Love of Others, Breathe In Deep Love of Self. Breathe Out Being Alone, Breathe In Being Whole.

Lost Energy

Ever have that sinking feeling like you are falling into darkness but it isn’t really that dark? There is light around highlighting the things you cannot seem to grasp? There is this pressure on your brain and heart? You feel paralyzed but seem to be running somewhere at the same time? Your heart is beating so fast but yet you feel numb? You feel like you should cry but there are no tears? You breathe heavy deep breaths that have undertones of slight laughter? Then when it is all over, you sit there like you just woke up from a bad dream that you only remember bits and pieces of in the haze? This is my anxiety “moments”… not attacks to me. They are moments when life is just so big and heavy and it stops you to show you that you need to unload something, anything. The plug in your toe has been pulled and the energy goes rushing out into the gutters of fear and confusion.

We all suffer from overload at times. It is different for everyone. Life is different for everyone. I think this is what is so difficult with life. We really are mapping it out all alone. No one knows our hearts and minds. No one knows our fears and worries. No one knows our pain and suffering. No one knows our hopes and dreams. There is no other human that has lived what we have lived or felt what we have felt exactly like we have. BUT that does not mean that they cannot help us or offer us a supporting hand of love and compassion. I have always believed in the theory that I never know what someone is going through, so treat all with kindness as it might just make a difference in a large way. I would want that always. So I should give that always. Not always easy when I am zapped and feel such a load on my own back. A load that feels as if it is pinching and cutting me with every move and decision. I just want to always be the best version of myself. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes life is too heavy and my energy is lost in the vast darkness of confusion and pain. My one bar remaining is almost gone from sight.

In these times it is so hard to know where to go and what to do so the winds of hope fill me up again. I have learned that turning to God is the only way lately. Like the first three steps say…”I can’t. He can. So I will let Him.” Powerful statement and guidance from someone who needed God at the bottom of his pit. God was the ladder that took him to the light. Was it always easy peasy? No. Was it always light and peace? No. But was it worth it? Yes. So tough for me and for so many out there to let go of the thing that are making us “lose” our energy. So hard to let go of anger, resentments, pain, grief, fear, confusion or even people. Letting go and letting God is the only answer to restore us to full bars again. It is the only answer to real laughter and smiles and love again. I can’t answer why at times I allow the pain and confusion and fear to drain my bars. If I knew why I felt so compelled to find answers to the unanswerable questions in life, then I think that I would always at one bar and never fall below. With God, I don’t need the answers anymore. I just need to believe in the solutions now. I need to see the truth of the reality that is living around me. The truth is never scary because there is nothing lurking in its shadows. The truth is all light and freedom. Light and freedom fuel our energy to grow and change and desire the good things instead of allowing the weights of darkness to hold us down.

This was a heavy purge for me today. I hide behind so much that I hate for people to see my darkness and pain and how weak I am at times. Never want anyone to see how weak I feel lately with so much lost energy on the things that do not deserve my energy. Thank you for listening and accepting me for me…the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pain and the happiness, the strengths and the weaknesses. I accept you too. I hear your hearts too. I embrace you with the kind of love only someone who wants to understand and help can embrace you with – an embrace that wants to put back all those loose pieces. We all have different journeys and different recoveries from the pains and darknesses that life has given us and the beauty is that we do not have to understand fully, but we just have to accept one another for it. Feeling alone too much is draining and overwhelming. The depression and anger is too great to carry on most days. There was a post recently on Instagram that had four pictures of four smiling celebrities. Under the photos it said, “Check on your happy friends.” They were four celebrities who committed suicide but were always happy to the world. Never feel that alone or that lost or that misunderstood. God is always with you. You may not be able to do it, BUT He can. So let Him. And those of us who have lived with the pains of life from abuse to addictions to extreme grief, we will hold your hand and hearts in love and acceptance even if you can’t stand up today. I will lay on the floor with you because I know some days, it would be the greatest feeling having someone who just laid next to me on the floor and held me so tight that the pieces fit together again. Energy lost is hard but you can get off the floor, recover and dance again.

Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Extreme Light. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Acceptance. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe In Truth. Breathe Out Self-Judgments, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Gratitudes. Breathe Out Low Energy, Breath In Dancing in the Rain.

Pressure Points of Emotion

We all have them…pressure points that when pushed, we respond with certain emotions. Some people cry over Hallmark commercials when that little hand surprises a grandmother with a card for her birthday. Some people cry when they are in fear of the girl entering the dark house alone in a horror movie. Some people laugh when the girl is entering the dark house alone in the horror movie. Some people get so mad that are called to act about injustices on the news that are not in their towns. Some people get so depressed about injustices on the news. We all react differently in situations, but we all will react according to the pressure put on certain prominent emotions that surface for us based our experiences…Pressure Points of Emotion! Acupuncture but with sharp needles pushing on our brain and heart.

I realized that my pressure points are so highly sensitive lately. It definitely doesn’t take a sharp point to make them react. My most sensitive pressure point lately is anger and frustration. And when going through the highly sensitive field of divorce that is covered by various landmines, I have been pushed with his words and actions sometimes to the brink of insanity. Sometimes the burning sense of anger for the lack of empathy and understanding for what he has put me through is overwhelming. In times like this it is hard to find that space of calm and peace where you can gain the clarity and sanity required to breathe in and out until calmness returns to your inner being. I try to have a mantra, a prayer, a vision or a place to go to when this happens. Why is it so hard to grasp that at times of extreme pressure? Like I cannot see clearly from the instant fog covering all directions to safety. I am sure you know that feeling of confusion and standing alone if you have been through heartbreak of any kind. Or if you are like me, you have that one person who knows exactly where those pressure points are and pushes them so easily. I feel like he pushes them because he likes the reactions from me. He likes to see me twitch with emotions and uncomfortableness. I have read that narcissistic people get to know you well so that they know where to push you. I am feeling this way lately.

So what do you do during these times when tears come for no reason? There is no Hallmark commercial or sad movie on TV to make you cry. There is no horror movie making you scream in fear. But there is a situation happening in your own lives that triggers one or more emotions. The true insanity comes when they trigger them together…sadness and anger is the worst combination. I feel torn between crying and screaming. And then I tend to do both. Yelling while tears are flowing down my face unto my shirt. I am eventually drenched in tears of sadness and sweat of painful hot anger. Either way, I am not comfortable or healing in peace. I just want peace and comfort over these emotions. I don’t want to become consumed by these. I become someone whom I do not want to be in that moment. I don’t do well in conflict and anger. Sadly, these days in this divorce, he has me on a roller coaster of extreme emotions where I am so nauseous and just want to stop this ride and get out of the park. This ride is fueled by anger and sadness. This too shall pass right?

I need to understand my pressure points and what activates them and their reactions so that I do not react quickly or become someone that I do want to become in tense situations. This is not an easy task when flooded by emotional storms that start drowning your heart and mind. I am going to take deep breathes and think before I speak or react from now on, especially when he tries to push those points leading to anger, pain and tears. It will help me get through that turbulence and not into a new storm because of my emotions. I can create my own storms too. I have to remember this. Always remember this. I have been consumed by pain and emotions lately to the point that I cannot hear my own words sometimes and cannot see how my anger hurts my own soul. Staying in bed isn’t solving my problems. Yelling isn’t solving anything. Talking out of turn isn’t solving anything. I need to see the solutions like the lighthouse guiding me in the fog, instead of letting the fog consume me into fear, anger and sadness. We can all do this if we focus inward and pray very hard. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can and The wisdom to know the difference.” This should release those sharp needles pushing on the our pain and fears.

Breathe Out Anger, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Irritation, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Tears & Sadness, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out The Heaviness, Breathe In Peace & Calm.

Emotional Drought? We Need to Carry Love On

Love has taken on a entirely new form it seems. It lost its honest soul that motivates people to do good for good and be the light inside of the darkness. To stand up for a cause in the right way. To show support without aggression. To speak the truth without yelling. To embrace another without expectations. To simply love without strings or judgements. To not abuse someone who offers you love and support. When did love become such a shadow hiding in every day life? Maybe it always has been this way, but I am just now starting to understand it and really see it and feel it deep within my heart. Maybe it is the path my life is on at this time and love is harder to see through the many shadows around me.

Have you ever felt that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, that is how I am feeling lately for so many reasons. I have spent the past 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage where I did everything to make this narcissistic addict love me, see me and want to be with me. I allowed him to make me believe that I would never be enough, that there was something wrong with me. He did leave visible bruises with his fists of anger but he made my spirit and heart bleed with lies, secrets and manipulations of anger towards my love for him and us. I even reached out my severely weak hand to lift him up during his drug use. I loved enough to see him and the big picture than just myself. Living this way drains the energy from a soul. This drains the pools of love because you give and give from your resevoir but do not receive more to fill it back up in return. It is an emotional drought of your soul. You drain the tank and just run on empty for years. Eventually, you can no longer sustain yourself, you heart, your mind, your spirit running on nothing, not even fumes. However depleted I became, I am proud that I can love this way and still can even after being so beaten for my love. I can carry love on.

Coronavirus brought fear and people doing all they could to protect themselves and those that they love. But it was so sad to me that it grew anger and blame for other countries and governments. It brought out protests for what people saw as their right to choose a mask or not. A simple mask could save a life. Maybe your life. Maybe your loved one’s life. Maybe one of the worker’s who is saving lives. Simple mask showed love for others and yourself. This virus brought out people hoarding simple items that could save lives of those working to save lives. All for economic gain of themselves? Is money more important than a human life? There was definitely so many good acts and such positivity spread by the medical workers and people spending hard earned money to help others. The picture that stands in my mind is this one nurse in a mask standing up to a mass of protesters without masks. Such love in one person to stand up and show how simple love for each other can be displayed. What was she doing wrong? Her job to save lives of everyone, even that protester? Her own life was on the line to save more. That is love from the deepest place of a heart. Saving others at the expense of yourself. Why can’t love rule and we stand together? It hurts my soul that there is a sea of aggression and darkness trying to push love away. But we can carry love on.

Now these protests. These protests. So much aggression and darkness abounds behind the fires and broken glass. Where is the love for George and the others who have wrongfully died. These acts are not love for these victims. Stealing a new pair of Nikes from a store is not love. Shooting a cop in the head to show that you protest this is not love for George. Ruining the lives on innocent business owners just trying to survive after the shutdown, this is not love for George. Why is it so much easier to fuel hatred than it is to fuel love? Why can’t everyone in this world stand in unison, in silence, dressed in all black to mourn the loss of love and acceptance and working together to make this world a better place to live? Why can’t these protests mimic the cities where cops and civilians walk hand in hand in love and solidarity to create a consciousness of positive change. That would be love growing out of pain. That would be love dominating the new movement towards a better tomorrow. We can carry love on.

Today, I am feeling that this darkness over the world is the saddest weight laying on my soul. When did we get so lost in ourselves? When did we get so lost in the true meaning of “love one another” that we were taught as children? People are so ego driven with aggressive tones of wanting what they feel is best for themselves without the big picture coming into their view. From the narcissist in my life doing what pleases only him regardless of the bleeding souls on his path to the protesters losing site of the reasons behind what they are doing for a change towards the better, we are living in a world where love seems to be hiding in the shadows because it was put there. We are living in an emotional drought of love and acceptance. We are all in different places in our lives and affected by these places in different ways. Some are living in love and are here to help it grow again by spreading their rich supply from their souls. Others are so dehydrated by the missing positivity that they need love and to feel love again. We can love ourselves first and foremost to make sure that it never dies. But rememberer that loving yourself is not about an ego or self-advancement at the cost of others. Loving yourself actually helps you love others better. Can we all just love without the pain that grows from ignorance, selfishness and hatred? We can learn from pain, even the pain we may have caused in the past. Learn from it and grow into a loving and accepting soul. We are all made from the same dirt and start life in the same way. So why do we fight each other? I pray that God embraces us and guides us to a better tomorrow where we can grab the hand of a neighbor and hold it tightly until the love starts to grow again and diminishes the darkness hanging over this world. We can carry love on.

Breathe Out Hatred, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Violence, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Impulsive Aggression, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Emotional Drought, Breathe in Love. Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Love.

Is the “Devil in Disguise” Really That Far-Fetched?

I have been watching the Netflix show “Lucifer” with my son during this stay at home quarantine. We are on season 4 already but we have been watching a few shows at the same time. The show drew me in immediately. I laughed and cringed and carried a crush for Lucifer Morningstar. I mean he is very handsome, tall, confident, charming, smart, extrovert, a bad boy, an entertainer and can seem caring for some of the characters. Wow! Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Well, you get it right? He is too good to be true from that initial introduction. Yes, he is too good to be true. Ultimately, he is the devil in a human body to cover that scary face that he never wants regular people to see. He hides it. He only uses the red eyes and devil face when he needs someone to cooperate with his investigation. Sound familiar?

Well, it is familiar. To me it is familiar. I didn’t see the not so invisible thread from this entire show before but I do now. He is the embodiment of narcissism. The greatest definition of a narcissist is “The Devil in Disguise. ” I used to always think of my husband as the living version of Jekyll and Hyde. The same person and the only thing they had in common is the “y” but add a few different letters and it is a new person. The narcissist wants us to believe that he is this amazing, caring, compassionate and honest good person. We do believe it too. We believe it so much that we defend him at every chance. We get so deep into his swamp’s quicksand pool that we can’t get out. We start to settle in to this confining, painful life full of lies and secrets with him. We are brainwashed to believe that WE are the majority of the problems. We are made to believe that we didn’t love him the way he should be loved because he believes that we should give love to the highest power even when we are receiving the lowest amounts. We didn’t treat him the way he thinks he should be treated for being the great person that he is in his mind. We questioned our doubts and angered the narcissist and this was unfair to him to be questioned about anything. We didn’t give him the attention that his wonderful, occasional actions deserved but really it s that he requires the attention to keep his ego fueled every day. I was even told that it was my fault that he cheated. No, not his own choices to break our vows and our marriage, AND my heart. Once it was because I had to take care of two very sick small children. At times, I slept holding the newborn to make sure that she was still breathing or slept on the bathroom floor with an alarm clock to run a steam shower every hour for them. Exhausted and worried, I still would gather myself together with hair done and makeup on to greet him when he came to bed at night. I made him special dinners after a long day of work. I tried to keep the house as clean as possible to no “over stress” him. (He said it would add to his anxiety and increase his need to use drugs again.) I basically walked on eggshells all day, every day to make him happy and want to stay. Still have no idea why I stayed. He wasn’t worth staying for. I had seen the mask slip and the red eyes flare and red charred skin peek through that human exterior. I had seen glimpses of the aggressively loud and abusive devil come through in glints. The blames thrown back at me made me take a pause and when I looked back up from the blow he placed on my heart and made me stop breathing for a second, the mask was fixed and the eyes were back to normal. It is so scary that we cannot register the feelings we have after it happens. We just try to breathe again with a normal in and out beat.

Businessinsider.com posted a great article, “Phrases to Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist.” The main problem is that you don’t know they are a narcissist until it is too late and you are too deep into the dark, vermin-ridden woods with them. They also discuss sociopaths in the article. I do believe that my experience was not only painted by a narcissist but decorated by his super strength level of sociopathic traits. Dr. Martha Stout wrote a book called “The Sociopath Next Door” and makes some profound points that hit me as harder as his harsh words have done. She says, “It’s like the ‘frog in the saucepan’ analogy.” You put a live frog in a warm water and it swims and enjoys the water until the heat is turned up slowly so that the frog dies slowly, never realizing it is being boiled to death. Yikes! At least the lobster screams in the hot water. How do they draw us into the pot though without us knowing. I mean we are smart, caring people. They ask all of the right questions to know where we are the weakest and what makes us and has made us hurt the most in life. They get to know our fears, our past heartbreak, our regrets, our likes and dislikes. They get to know all about us. Seems so nice to have someone so interested in us like they are. Lucifer stares at the potential bad guy and slowly asks in the nicest voice, “What is that you desire?” The answer to this is often used against them to solve the case and may put them in jail. Our hearts make us special and beautiful but they are the key to destroying us too (not to normal people they aren’t just dark souls). Narcissists and Sociopaths know this and are overly excited to get to know everything about us so that they can turn it all on us later. That is what gets us into that pot of warm soothing water in the first place…false charm and manipulated caring questions. I am glad that I found a way out of the pot before I boiled to death from the heat of this devil-like abuse.

In the show, Lucifer starts to feel the loving, caring feelings that it takes to make a real relationship work. I mean mutually work to benefit both people. But sadly, he is the devil and the feelings of selfishness, ego and pride still stand in the way of his growth. In the show, the characters keep reminding him that he was once an angel. We saw an angel when we first met these narcissistic, sociopathic, addicted souls too. They presented us with the angel version to lure us into the candy house only to shove us into the warm water and turn up the heat slowly over time.

I am not finished with the show, but I did leave it at a place where my heart is heavy with the imagery it paints for my own life. His wings are changing from angel to demon. I have seen that happening in my own life over the past years and even more now as we try to finish a very painful divorce that has been going on for over a year. It is like trying to talk to the “Devil in disguise” at times and everything is so confusing and hurtful. I read books about divorcing a narcissist. I wish I could say that they have helped me deal with it all. They did give me some useful pointers in dealing with him or speaking to him so as to not be lashed with his harsh words or cruel actions. If I am lashed, I am learning to not let it take me down. Like in the show, Lucifer cannot be killed except around the detective who he loves. Sound familiar again? The one you love can hurt you the most. Even kill you. I am learning to wear armor and protection when communicating or just seeing him. I don’t want to die from his illnesses. They are his burden to carry, not mine. They were never mine to carry. I tried to love him so much that he would drop the burdens and become the man I thought I had met and the man he said he wanted to be. That man who he pretended to be and said he wanted to be was just a fictional character and never existed. I gave my love for years and years to someone who threw it out like it was worthless trash. He has repeatedly shown me that he isn’t worth my love or my life. I deserve to have light not dark. To have happiness not sadness. To have laughter not tears. To have healing not regret. To have love not torture. To have goodness not evil. I deserve so much more than what a “Devil in disguise” can give me or my family. We deserve better than all that he has given us and continues to give us. YOU deserve more than all of this too. You are a beautiful, loving soul that is worth so much more than what they can offer you in life.

So if you get a chance to watch Lucifer, I recommend it. It is like a visual study of a narcissist’s brain and why we do fall for them in the beginning stages of their love bombing with lies, manipulations and masks of greatest to hide their true dark self. I still admit that Lucifer still has his attractive points but they are becoming less and less and now I just see the weak angry soul filled with all the qualities we run from in life. We have to pay attention to people and not jump into the pot of inviting water that they give us. If they are for real and have good souls worthy of our time and love, the water will be there but it will never be there to kill us like the narcissist, sociopath or addict wants to do.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe It Truths. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Peace In Being Alone. Breathe Out Fake People, Breathe In Real People. Breathe Out Being Conned, Breathe In Patience To Know Someone Well. Breathe Out Anger For Being Conned By The Narcissist, Breathe In Your Power To Love and Care (ESP For Yourself)

What Day Is It Anyway?

The day, the time, the date…anyone know? Doesn’t it seem like when you get up in the morning that there is no rush, nor urgency to be anywhere? Snooze on the alarm doesn’t hold much power anymore. Especially on a day like today when the rain is falling from the thick dark clouds and cool winds are pushing you back under the covers. I think a great description for me on these days is motivational slumber. Lack of things to really do on a time schedule. Lack of urgency other than getting back to the latest binge watch. But there are urgent items on my list. Feels like these days, they are written in invisible ink and I can’t find the flashlight to see them.

So today I am going to sit down and really embrace those items I don’t want to see. The emotional pain that I need to deal with today. The mental stresses of the future that I need to start sorting through and getting things in order and ready. The physical relief that I can get from some exercise and movement. All of these things can help my inner peace and patience. I read my nightly inspiration before bed last night and it talked about patience. Patience is really the key to so much these days. Patience can make daily functions easier and more tolerable. Patience can give us clearer vision free from the obstructions of anger, sadness and fear. Patience can calm our hearts and minds to take on only that which we can handle that day. Patience is what breathes life into the Alanon and AA saying…One Day at a Time! Why I called this blog, Breathe, One Day at a Time. Patience with ourselves; patience with others; patience with the world around us. Patience is the key for today to not feel that you have to solve your divorce today, to figure out where you will work again, to figure out where you will live in a few months, to figure out the details of anything. You can solve only what you can. You can get ready for the divorce to end but not make it all happen today. You can look at jobs, get your resume ready and maybe even start sending it out to get ahead of the others applying. You can review housing options in different areas. You can save $10 here and $15 there to pay off something in a few months. It will all be okay. It may not be “the okay” that you wanted but it will be okay. I believe that. I have faith that God will never work so hard for us to good only to hurt us. It is hard for many of us to trust because we have been hurt by trusting others way too many times. Patience…you will get there. I am still a work in progress but at least I am working towards betterment. Some days better than others. But I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be honest. And being honest with myself will lead to being patient with what I can handle that day and progress will come naturally.

So today I wish you all well with your movement towards betterment and peace. Have patience with yourself. Do not allow the bad days to not cause guilt or shame or anger. We all have them and they are great tools to getting through the pain with strength and grace. Sending love and support to everyone today.

Breathe Out for 10 seconds and Breathe In for 10 Seconds…do this five times, 7 if needed and have the patience you need to get through today.

Why is it so hard to heal?

I have spent a year trying to heal after leaving him, finally. I mean really heal. I finally blocked his number. I only emailed about money and kids during our separation and divorce process. I tried to only email. Somethings, when in this awful process, are not email worthy. Sometimes you need a quick response or to actually talk about it. Or you want him to know you do exist and are not the ghost like he treats you as. But this just is so painful for me. Such a trigger to hear the anger and irritation in his voice. The same sound that has plagued me for years with criticism, lies, harsh words, denials and manipulations. The same voice that used to tell me he promised us a future. The same voice that promised to love me and never hurt me like I was before. The same voice that denied way too many times to count that he wasn’t cheating or ever had sex with someone. The same voice that swore on his own kids’ and his father’s lives at times when he was lying (as I found out much later). The same voice that used his twisted mind to yell at me when I was crying, not just tears but sobbing, about the pain I felt from another sign of a women or drugs that I had found. The same voice that talked in circles and changed his stories four or five times to make me the crazy one for even thinking that he was cheating or using drugs again or doubting him in any way. Then the same voice that would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to change and make our marriage better the very next day. Only to find out that he was just worried that he would get caught because he was cheating with one or more women. Because he was using drugs. Because I was right and on to his lies and secrets. He hated to be exposed for his lies.

I was constantly punished for realizing the lies and secrets that he was holding. I was always the bad guy because he was not keeping his promises and vows to me and our marriage. I never cheated. I never lived another life behind his back. I was his wife and only his wife. I was a mother and loved every minute of it. I was thankful and appreciative for his hard work. I tried to show him that with cards, flowers, gifts, meals, texts, etc. But nothing was good enough. I never felt good enough. I was compared to other women. “You should dress like that.” Or, “Your hair would great that color.” I would dress like that, wasn’t good enough. I would change my hair color, not good enough. I was starting to break down into a pile of nothingness because he was making me believe that that is exactly what I was…nothing. He made me believe this when he spoke with his painful voice filled with criticisms, anger, lies, manipulations and false promises. He had me trapped in his web of deceit and I had no idea how entangled I was. Now I realize, but the damage has been done. He had spun me so tight that I couldn’t move. He never fully killed me. Just drained me enough to ensure that I would not go too far. He needed me in a way. He needed to look like a successful family man. Strippers, young sleazy girls and other addicts looking for fun don’t make you look successful at all. I was just a prisoner for his facade.

I know you are thinking, “Why didn’t she leave sooner?” Great question. I wish that I had an answer for that one. I really wish I had an answer for that one. But I was so exhausted and so beaten up that I couldn’t move. I didn’t think I could do it on my own. He had me believing that I needed him. He had me so confused and hurt. I just wanted him to love me like I loved him. And I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I mean I was a great wife to him. I loved him and treated him well. I was not denying him any pleasure at all. I tried date nights all dressed up as sexy as I could get or just sitting in front of a fire watching a movie with a great dinner. I even gave up drinking wine or alcohol in front of him unless he told me he wanted me to have a glass…I did this for 10 years for him. He was supposedly clean and sober and I wanted to support that. He wasn’t clean and sober for 90% of our relationship, so I have found out now. Painful living a lie for so long and you thought it was the truth.

That is why I hurt so much now. Acceptance is so tough when you don’t even understand what you are accepting. There is no clear definition of truth and lies anymore. There is no validation from him because he doesn’t believe the truth. He is still living in the lies and denials of the past as the truth and said he would not go there to help us or me ever. I don’t even know what was real between us. So I have just had to embrace it all as the reality I never understood and that I was not part of it in the way I had thought. I have had to accept so many more women and drugs and people and issues and pain than I ever thought possible. This has not been easy in any way over this past year of learning the truths that lurked in the shadows for 18 years. When you loved someone and believed in them so much and they turn out to not be that person…What do you do with that? Where do you start?

So in trying to heal this year, I burned all my wedding photos of us together. I burned all the photos of us together at any time. I had to burn the past that I was not the truth so that I could move on from the false reality of love and promises to the honest reality of betrayal and pain that was our marriage. It has made it easier to move past the past, but at times it just hurts so much that I wasn’t loved in return. I know people, who deal with addiction, narcissism, sociopathic tendencies and other personality issues, cannot really ever love anyone but themselves. Knowing this makes it better but not always easier. It is a process that can take years to recover from the severe emotional abuse and triggers of trauma. I am willing to work all the way through that. I just wish on days like this that it would move faster towards peace and serenity and not feeling so abused and taken advantage of by the person you gave your heart to. But sadly some people still cannot care about your pain because they would have to accept their part in it to care. I seems he cannot accept his part as he dumps his past off the cliff and just walks away towards a new life. I know that I am a good person and don’t deserve this pain given to me by him. I deserve better. I deserved better. I will get better for myself and someone will treat me better when I do heal. I am not the bad person that he has made me out to be nor was I the problem in our marriage. I tried my best to reach him and save us and our family. I couldn’t do that alone and that is well, that is okay. One day at a time I will get better and stronger and the past will be burned like the photos on that summer evening. And my occasional pain will just be a reminder of what I deserve and what I will no longer accept in my life.

I know I usually do the Breathe Out, Breathe In….Today just BREATHE IN and OUT and feel better

Quarantined In Our Thoughts and Feelings

This whole idea of being quarantined during this health crisis really makes me think. I have been thinking about so much. There is too much time to think. There is too much time and not enough routine distractions. Trying to find good things to do instead of sorting through the clutter in my head. These are difficult days for someone trying to heal from new loss, past trauma or profound changes on the horizon. Empty time creates racing minds and troubled hearts. As I am going on week three inside my home with limited outings, I have been battling with painful feelings and memories as I sit in a house that once housed a family of four. A house that held dreams and hopes of the three still living here. A house that promised a future of togetherness and love for us as family of four. We had to face these changes and accept that we can keep these hopes and dreams for a future as a family of three and hopefully in a new home. A home that will keep these hopes and dreams safe for us. I thought all of these intense feelings were because I was feeling so alone without physical contact to friends and family. It isn’t. This awful pain was triggered by the walls that witnessed the emotional abuse and they started to talk to me about the honest loneliness of this family over the years. The loneliness of living with a drug addict. The loneliness of living with a narcissistic personality. The loneliness of living with a sociopathic personality. The loneliness of living with an ego bigger than the Stalin statue. The loneliness of living with constant emotional and mental abuse. Being stuck in my house with nowhere to go and nothing really to do, I feel like I am back in this horrible marriage that I was stuck in and had nowhere to go. I feel the sadness of the loss of the dreams and hopes all three of us had for this home and this family. The feelings are overwhelming lately.

It is crazy to me that certain events can trigger such deep pain to fester up and infect our souls and minds again and again. This is how I know for sure that this was not a typical marriage. This was not a divorce because we fell out of love or married too young and grew apart. This was a divorce because I didn’t want to wither up and die from the abuse that was dissolving my soul. For years I felt myself weakening inside. I had the symptoms. Many of the symptoms on the lists for abuse. I just didn’t have the bruises and scars on the outside like I associated with abuse. I started with a few internal symptoms and thought it will get better. He will get better. I will get better. The symptoms got worse and more in number. I got worse and more in pain. By the end I was so numb to it all that I didn’t even see the truth flashing at me like a cop car at midnight trying to pull me over. I was so quarantined within this marriage that I just stayed put and made myself believe that it was all good. I started to believe that all the lies and manipulations and secrets were not that bad even though I would lose 10 pounds in a month or cry myself to sleep nights in a row. I made myself believe that he really loved me beneath it all and he would see me as the wonderful wife I was. I lied to myself that this was all going to be okay when he got sober. I believed it was his addiction that abused me not him. That feeling alone in a marriage was okay for a wife of an active addict. Not just okay but normal. That being quarantined by his disease and his abuse was normal. I thought if I stayed put for a certain amount of time that it would all be better and I would feel loved and not alone. It wasn’t his addiction that made him abuse me; it was him. He got sober and nothing changed. He always cheated and lied no matter what. I was being held inside the walls of a terrible, painful marriage and needed to find a way out to survive and heal from the toxic virus trying to kill me.

Nothing is normal about being quarantined. Humans are made to be with other humans. We are not a solitary species. We need love and appreciation to feel good and thrive. How can you get that if you are alone and have no contact with other people? You can’t get that and something inside just hurts. Something inside fears this emptiness. Something inside cries over the vacancy sign to which no one responds. I can’t believe I survived in quarantine for the past 12 or more years. It may have been longer but I was unaware because I was lying to myself for so long about who he really was. Maybe I was alone, stuck in an empty relationship for more years than that. I think I know that answer, but I don’t want the truth. That is a truth to finally accept would hurt too much. I know that truth and it is that he never loved me and I was alone from the start. I just can’t fully accept that yet. Not just yet. I am working on it, especially now that I have so much time in this isolated feeling running through my entire being. It is the most painful thing to accept…that you were never loved, just duped into believing someone’s lies about how they felt.

So I have had too much undistracted time lately to think about the past and being at peace to completely set the pain free like a newly pardoned prisoner. I hate too much time. I like the distractions of a busy life. Distractions are the best tools for not having to think about anything. I need to find distractions now. I pray for them to come my way. I am trying to create them with working from home. I am trying to create them for my kids too and no not just school work. They are feeling the pain too as I can tell. A mother knows her babies so well. They had hopes and dreams of this house and this family that are held in the walls keeping them locked in at this time. I understand their pain. I live their pain. We were all disappointed in how life turned out for our family. We are all grieving the loss of a family we wanted so badly together. I held my son as he cried about it all to me just the other night. Tears that hurt my heart to the core. Tears that I felt guilty about because I want to protect them from pain. But this pain is one I have to remind myself that I did not cause, cannot cure and cannot control for them. I can just love them and support them through the healing. I can sit with them and hold them while they have to be quarantined with their own thoughts and feelings. I can distract them with good things that are reminders to have hope in the promises of a better tomorrow and my love. We will all get through this time, some better than others. We all have things to overcome and heal from. I pray that you all make it through this time of being alone and heal and grow stronger from it.

Breathe Out Toxins, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Comfort. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Wholeness. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Guilt, Breathe In Patience. Breathe Out The Past, Breathe In Your New Future.