Just One of Those Nights

Ever have one of those days or nights or even weeks where you just feel the weight of too much sitting on your shoulders and whispering into your ears jumbled words of sadness, grief and loneliness? I have been having those moments lately. More than I would like to have actually, many more than I would like to have. I try so hard to portray this strong woman. But some days the strength evades me and I just can’t keep up the appearance that day. I am human, am I not? Why do I feel I am expected to be more than that?

So what do we do when we are in this place? I am not sure. I have been trying to figure that out for myself. I have only come up with praying. I have been praying for months and months. I know God is there listening to me but I feel alone and not heard so often. Loneliness is tough when you are trying to heal from the wounds of a bad past marriage. But you surround yourself with people to never feel alone. It doesn’t always work. Sadness can be so strong that it hurts to smile. But you smile anyways despite the pain because you don’t want anyone to know the pain that you carry inside. Grief can be this heavy weight that makes your knees buckle under each step. But you keep walking forward because you don’t want to go backwards where the pain and sadness lives. So you keep walking forward with a smile towards the crowds. Does this help? Sometimes yes it does and actually makes you start healing away from it all. Sometimes it can make thing worse when you do this. Navigating these rough seas of recovery and healing from emotional pain can be well…alot to handle.

COVID and the holidays are so tough for healing and feelings like this. It can all seem so overwhelming and cumbersome. Today was one of those days for me. I have felt like the universe was against me or punishing me for something that I have no idea what I did wrong. I am praying the serenity prayer and words of guidance to make sense of everything that has happened and how to make my life better today and every tomorrow to come. I just want to smile and feel the warmth into my toes. I want to feel the light again. The light that was so bright before my marriage. I am getting there. I can smell the flowers blooming again. I can revel in the gloriousness of change and growth. I do not have to walk on eggshells every day. My feet feel better too. LOL. And I have found my sense of humor too. These good things are not as strong as they once were. But they are growing. Days like today just make it harder to feel them deep into my soul. But I carry on trying to find the treasures of hope.

So what do we do on days like today? We stand up and brush our hair and take the steps that we can. If we can’t smile then just don’t smile..but never be rude to anyone. I always say that you never know what someone else is going through and a smile could save their day. I have passed on smiles that I don’t even have for myself. It did make me feel better and gave me a warmth that helped me find me find part of my smile the next day. That is hard to do sometimes when we have so many painful memories and emotions. But I just know that moving forward and towards the healing powers of light and love are the only answer after suffering. I gain strength and hope from others in support and recovery groups. I gain strength writing in hopes of helping someone else dealing with the same heaviness on this journey. I wish you all hope, strength and courage to find your smiles and move towards a better tomorrow.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Sadness, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Grief, Breathe In Healing.

Do I Have An Addiction?

Going through a divorce can be one of the most difficult times in life. The difficulties are different for each person. I have had friends struggling with the financial burdens that it places on the family. Some other friends are financially stable but not emotionally stable and still in love with the person. Then there are those that are hit by every bolt of lightning in the ferocious storm. No matter what part is pounding on your mind and heart, I know you are suffering in a way that you are having a tough time explaining to anyone who has never gone through this trial.

I am one of those super lucky winners with every lightning bolt zapping me at a constant and steady pace. Since we split and decided to divorce, I have discovered way too much about our marriage that has struck me with jolts so strong that I ended up on the floor of despair at times. I never knew that he was so proud of his large cocaine deal so he had the means to buy me an engagement ring. That one really made me detest that ring even more than I did before this information. I never knew that when he was in drug treatment during our marriage (and telling me that he was working on saving our marriage and the family) that he was really keeping his affair going as a “single man” living in the big city. He even had the nerve to use my hotel account to get an upgrade for a “meeting” one day. I never knew that he had been carrying on with two moms in my children’s school that year. I never knew that he was sneaking out of our bed and our house at 2am to buy and/or sell drugs. I never knew that he had not given up Tinder after the first time it was discovered and promised to end. BUT to top it all off with an extra helping of pain, I found out that the house we had raised our children in for the last 7 years was never mine in any way…even though WE were paying his parents slowly for it. You see it was a family home that his parents “gifted” it to him on paper but he was really making payments to them. And since it was a gift on paper, I had zero rights to it according to law. However, I could have really gotten nasty to prove it was not a gift and the massive mortgage that he took out was being paid by our money. I didn’t want to be that woman who got nasty in the divorce. Still to this day the divorce has not been in my favor and I am still waiting on the money from our marriage. I only wanted what I deserved but I didn’t want to be nasty. I need to stop being so nice and stand up for myself and my children. He has always taken what he wants while I just learn to be happy with what he offers me. I have to stop being this way. I deserve more. This is how I spent our entire marriage. Playing nice and walking on eggshells with the hopes of always making others happy and making it all work to be good and normal again.

The one thing that I didn’t see over the years was a very important reality…it was not good or normal. It was never normal and hardly good. I wanted it to be so badly that I didn’t allow myself to see the reality right there in bright lights. He always had wandering eyes from day one. He professed his great dedication to me and was upset when I was not just with him after our second date. We still were not really there after the second date. I had doubts. I had every right to have doubts with the way he acted and what I had heard about him on occasion. The ironic thing is that he was mad at me about seeing other people but after 5 or 6 dates he was still seeing his old “girl friend” from when we met. It was never equal or honest. I couldn’t understand it, but after a few months, I became addicted to him. He was so charismatic and funny. He was always out and about and up for fun. He paid attention to me. He sent flowers, called me throughout the day and made an effort to meet me for lunch. He cooked for me and made fires for us. We went out on his boat (well, actually his dad’s boat), he liked to say they shared it. He was love bombing me with everything that he knew I wanted and needed to create the addiction. He wanted me to be addicted to him. I have seen him do it to others. If heroin had a persona it would be this man. His drug makes you feel so important, warm and understood. It fills your veins with it’s embrace and tells you that you need it and want it more and more. It makes you believe that you are better with it. You are stronger with it. You are prettier with it. You will be special and loved by it. He was heroin. He wanted me to become addicted to him so that I fed his narcissistic addiction for attention and power. I fell hard and fast. We were engaged within 8 months of first date. This is crazy when I look back and remember that I hesitated with him after the first date and it took us almost another month before we had three dates. I drank the punch and injected the warmth of lies, secrets and manipulations that poured from his mouth. I saw the red flags of his real character. It was not a good one either. It was a character opposite of mine. It was a character filled with greed, dishonesty, anger and distrust. His “friends” were involved in things that I disagreed with and always did. So I constantly ask myself why did I continue down this path with him when I saw these red flags and holes in the hope that he offered me? Because his addictions and his issues with narcissism gave him the ability to hoodwink me and others into believing that what he says is the truth. Those false words are the very things that encouraged me to open my soul to him by that fireside. He asked the right questions and got the answers that he needed to make sure I was easily manipulated and drugged by him. I really do wish at times that he had just puts some mickeys in my drinks so I didn’t feel so stupid for being so stupid. I know now that I wasn’t stupid. I keep reminding myself that he made sure that he became the drug I needed to fall deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole of his power and control.

Fall into that hole? Yes, I did; and I hit that bottom so hard I am still healing from those wounds. I went through a marriage filled with so much cheating and lies about cheating that it made a season of a soap opera look boring. Some of the lies are actually funny now. But at that time I was so wrapped up in the ropes of false love and confusing words that I couldn’t see humor or pain or anything. I just wanted to find a way to make it all better. To make us better as a couple. I kept saying, “I love you so much. Why don’t you want me?” I fought to stay where I wasn’t even wanted and with someone who didn’t love or want me. What was wrong with me? Who does this? I was so mad at myself over and over throughout the marriage and even more so in the divorce. Now I get it. I can’t be mad at myself. I was addicted to wanting him to love me. I was addicted to making it work. I was addicted to the love that I thought was there. The love that I pretended was there. I started a family with kids and didn’t want to change that or lose that. I was addicted to being a success story instead of a failure. I was addicted to him as much as he was addicted to his pleasures of women, drugs, secrets and getting away with dishonest acts. I was addicted to his return of affection as he was to love bombing and having attention from many at one time. I knew that I only wanted to have a loving family that made great memories to create warmth and lasting happiness. I knew that I wanted to share my life with someone who saw the same horizon as I did. I believed that if he was sober he would love me and could love me. It had nothing to do with sobriety from drugs or alcohol. It had everything to do with him and who he was. It had everything to do with the fact that I was so desperate to make it work and make him see me and love me like he did when he was love bombing me with false hope.

I got taken over by someone who made me believe that he was that man who loved, cared for, and wanted me. I used to beat myself up for this entire story and how could I have allowed such emotional, mental, verbal and financial abuse to be forced on me for over 16 years. I would cry to God, “What is wrong with me?” God finally helped me find the answers to my pain and heartache. I didn’t cause this. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. I was just another woman on his path of pain and destruction for his own ego and pleasure. Just another woman, that’s it. Yes, I did get married and stayed married for far too long. I should have ended it when the first known affair took place at year 5. That would have been 11 years ago. But I didn’t because I believed in love and what marriage meant. I believed in fighting for what was important to me…my family and my husband. I did mess up and make mistakes along the way with handling the pain and confusion of lies. I understand now that I was just a human trying to navigate uncharted waters of unknown darkness and demons. I understand more what addicts go through now from this. I was addicted to someone whom I wanted to make love me (I kept dwelling on what I thought once was but not look at what is really was). I was addicted to making myself matter to someone to the point where I stopped being my true to myself.

Recovery is possible from the pain of betrayal. Recovery is possible from the pain of divorce. All these things are just a portion of life. They do not define us. I am not defined by him or his lack of love and honesty. I am defined by the fact that I was honest, faithful, loyal, loving, caring, forgiving and steadfast and he took advantage of that and used it against me for too many years. I stayed true to myself. I did get lost in him and what I believed him to be. But that is okay. I woke up and saw the light at the top of the hole. I crawled out of that hole to live in the new warmth of the truth shining on me. The truth was hard to see and hear but necessary for my recovery and growth to a happier more loving world where he is not part of my days. It does take time and healing is not linear. There are good and bad days. The strongest light is that the good days slowly start to outweigh the bad ones. I couldn’t say that two years ago. I am still sad that I allowed such unacceptable behavior by him. I am still mad that I allowed myself to be abused as I was. But I am getting strong every day. One day at time. Let go and let God. Progress not perfection. Keep it simple. This too shall pass.

Breath Out Negativity, Breathe In Positivity. Breathe Out Addiction, Breathe In Recovery. Breathe Out Feeling Bad, Breathe In Feeling You Again.

Letters from the Past

I was cleaning out my computer to make room for new files. It is like life when you have delete things from the past to make room for better things in the present. And I came upon this untitled file. It was a letter that I wrote to my then husband after finding yet another woman being kept in the dark even though I helped him once again get into rehab and recovery. This was before all of the insanity of his disease and narcissism really started to pound me into a dark and very deep rabbit hole of pain and regret. So many of the sentiments have changed from this letter. I no longer see him with love. Not even the smallest amount of love still exists. When I see him now, I see the two headed monster that is one way to others and one way to me. I see him as the greatest disappointment of a person in my life. Our divorce has been the worst experience of my 48 years on this earth. His narcissistic desires to control me with money are still raging after we signed but I am away from him and can better control the level that his abuse impacts me now. I wanted to publish this letter so that others can see that the effects of emotional and verbal abuse from a narcissist or addict can really make your head and spin with a myriad of thoughts and feelings. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We have all gone through this in these situations. Not all the same but very similar with what it does to us, our families and our friends. You are not alone in this struggle. Divorce is hard. Divorce from a narcissist or addict is even harder. We become puppets in their games until we have the strength to cut the strings. The one focus that has and always will remain my main goal is the healing and positive progress of me and my children. We deserve it. We are worth it. God will take care of my ex and His justice for his actions will deliver the consequences of continually and intentionally hurting people who truly loved him.

Dear XXXXX,

I always carried this inner happiness and joy and love with me. I loved the idea that each day was an opportunity to learn something new and grow into a better version of who God wants me to be. I loved that God gave me joys and love in unexpected places and in new people all the time and that He always held my hand.  All I ever wanted in life was to have people to share this with.  I really wanted a partner to share this with and learn from and exchange happiness and love with every day.  I love the idea that we all go through painful times to help others with similar pains. I want to help others like that. And especially help my partner with the pains that I could help with and hold hands for the ones I can’t. I still have this happiness and joy in me but forgot I had it for a little while or actually thought it didn’t matter at times that I had it in me to share.  

I can’t say this to you face to face because I can’t see you without any tears while I have them filling my eyes and making it hard to get to the words.  That has made me feel even more alone and less important every time.  And you don’t have to worry about time or getting anywhere when we talk and leave me feeling abandoned again and again, because you can read this on your time and as long as it takes. 

I have done deep soul searching and going over things in my mind to the point of craziness.  I just wanted to be sure that I am making the best decision for myself and this family. I believe I am.

I can no longer hold on to a dream that keeps me up at night, keeps me crying and keeps disappointing me with new fears.  The dream of us is something that has brought me more pain than comfort over the past few years. I cannot compete with what I don’t know anymore.  I cannot compete to be loved or chosen or to be the one.  I cannot compete for time. I am exhausted and worn to the bare bones of my whole being by all this. 

I know I will never feel safe enough to trust you enough to rebuild our relationship again. There will always be ways for your past to find you whether on LinkedIn, Pinterest or office email or private email. And I constantly ask myself that all these “someones” were enough to risk losing me at different points, so why not now? There will always be places, apps and  internet arenas for you to meet new others and for you to become interested in other women again. There will always be those sleazy someones out there around town, in meetings, on bus or trains or others you can travel to who are ready to flirt or want to “cheat” with you. I can’t trust you to choose me and that hurts me too much.  I don’t believe that I will ever be enough for you or the only one you want.  And I believe that your friends in recovery will often push me out because you feel more comfortable with them.   I don’t want to hear it’s not comfortable to be with me. That the wife who has been by your side for 16 years is pushed away for someone you have known weeks or months.  That deeply hurts me. I know recovery is a bond but I deserve and am worth the time to be with my husband and try to be there with him on a difficult journey that I stayed with him on for a long time to help him even in the darkest of days. I deserve to be shown how important that I am to his recovery too if that is how he feels about me.  My husband should be comfortable with me and want to talk to me and want to get close to me again.  This is what I wanted to see you do for so long now. But to my sadness I had to accept that is only true if you deeply felt that you need to be with me and desire to save our marriage and us along with yourself.  I learned at my retreat that you can save yourself and your marriage together if that’s what you truly wanted.  

I don’t want to keep feeling my heart break when you don’t wear your ring (mine was off because of the broken promises behind it and only you could make it feel comfortable again but I feel yours is off because of resentments to me and because you gave up on me)  I don’t want to be hurt from hearing a crazy, not normal excuse for being late or where you are going or who you were with or who is on the phone. I don’t want to feel like I am not worth the truth.  I don’t want to feel that I am not very important to my husband. Sadly, I have felt this too often.  And that hurts me.  I don’t need the drama of someone “chasing my plane “ but I did most definitely need an obvious effort by now. 

I know you have said you want to be 1000% sure you won’t hurt me again.  I see it since you don’t know that clearly at this point or haven’t in sobriety during past two times after treatments then the answer is most likely that you will never be sure if you can completely choose me.  That’s not the marriage I want or deserve.  I want an equal marriage. Equally broken and damaged but equally in love and in efforts to help heal each other faithfully and compassionately forever.  

I don’t see us having a marriage like this after everything. I have fallen so hard over the years with you and I am so broken and bruised. You are trying to recover again.  I have been here trying to hold you up and support you so long even when I gave all I had to you at my own expense.  I desperately needed that support and love from you too, but I understand you haven’t been able to do that for me for a very long time because of your own struggles.  

Your recovery is first for you and I would never jeopardize that for your life depends on it.  And I desperately want our children to have their father.  I want you to thrive and survive too.  I know I deserve my dreams too.  I want to let go of these painful dreams so I can heal and so I can find new dreams that don’t hurt me. I want to stop putting hope in a basket with no bottom. The only way I can heal is to completely let go of the dream of us and me being the only one to you like I vowed.  I need you to let go of me too without keeping me tied to you for various reasons.

This was the toughest decision and why I couldn’t say it to you.  I want the best for both of us. This marriage stopped being the best for a while.  I tried to make it better because I deeply love you.  I tried to make you want me to be what I once was to you. But I can’t try anymore sorry.  I have to give up to save myself from any more heartbreak and pain that I fear will come or already is happening again. I can’t know about any more women in your life and even after we are separated it will hurt me so badly because really we are still married and the doors of hope would still be open. I just wanted you to prove it if you wanted it while we were apart.  I don’t want to be heartbroken anymore by other women. 

Sadly a divorce is the only answer to fixing our broken marriage and giving us each the places to heal. If you care for and love me at all, please, let me go with love, compassion and respect for what I have gone through to bring me to this decision.  We are going to be co-parents to two absolutely amazing kids that deserve everything we can give them now.  They deserve to have a happily separated family. 

I love you and you will always have a place in my heart. I will always pray for your serenity and happiness. I will always pray for your sobriety and path towards better tomorrows.  I wish this wasn’t the answer but it is the only answer for me to heal and get better.  And I do believe an answer for you too.  With me in your life, I would have to ask you to give up so much that I know you don’t want to give up and most likely can’t give up like other women and your secrets. And I know this because you have never wanted to or couldn’t give these things up for me in past even after many times asking.  It’s your choice to what you want and don’t want in your life.  I have had to accept that some things are just too hard to change or give up.  

I have never wanted this and have fought with every ounce of myself to make it not happen.  I can look at myself and know I tried every way possible to save us but I couldn’t do it anymore no matter how much love that I have in my heart for you. Some things just are not meant to stay the same.  Some people’s roles are to change in our lives. I have prayed for many years for strength, guidance, knowledge and courage to help us and you and myself. I believe God is going to lead us both to peace and serenity now.  I will always love you and pray for you and hope for your long term sobriety and peace.  I will always support you in recovery and cheer for your accomplishments. You showed me how much I can love and how strong I truly am. For this, I am Forever grateful.  God gave us each other for a great reason and it is not something I wish didn’t happen because from us came two of the most amazing humans to grace this earth. I would do it again for them and for the lessons and strengths that I have gained over these years.  Thank you for that. Thank you for our beautiful children who have shown me that being a mother is the greatest joy I never knew I could have and more about love than I ever understood.  They are the partners for sharing happiness, joy, love and amazing God moments that teach me every day.  They, too, have made me a better woman.  

I hope we can do this as friends because I will always consider you a friend for life.  I wish this wasn’t the answer but I don’t see any other way to help me heal and not get hurt anymore.  

This quote really said it all for me. 

Breathe Out Past, Breathe In New Future. Breathe Out Sadness, Breathe In A Genuine Smile. Breathe Out What Was, Breathe In What Is. Breathe Out Old Dreams, Breathe In New Dreams. Breathe Out Damage, Breathe In Recovery.

What is Love?

Last night was a good night and a tough night. I had success in finding a movie that I had not seen and my daughter wanted to watch. This is not as easy as one would think with so many options at our fingertips these days. We surfed through Hulu, Netflix and Prime to finally find a winner…”Letters to Juliet”. I knew she would agree when I said it was based on Romeo and Juliet. She likes the twists and turns in an on screen romance. She watches tv shows more than once, even the ones with 16 seasons. She gets emotionally involved in the characters and stories. I understand her. I have done this with so many movies and tv shows. I have loved watching movies and tv since I was young. This world of characters called me into acting and production for part of my life. No, I am not an actress now. I would have been great but never got that chance to show the world what I had in me. I learned so much from that screen filled with stories of love, pain and strength. I have been brought to tears from someone I have never met and anger for someone who really didn’t do anything. I have also been brought to a place of deep questions for my own life. Last night was one of those nights. This movie made me reflect on, “What is love?” I mean real, deep love for another person unrelated to you.

The main character, Sophie, with a distracted fiancé on one side and realist pessimist on the other, contemplates what love is to her. Interesting combination of two men in a movie to make a girl think about her heart. Is love having someone who shares your level of passion for work, even to the point of making it a priority over you? Is love balancing the pessimist and the optimist (the opposites attract theory) into a solid middle ground where a foundation of love is created? What is love? What does it look like? What does it feel like? How do you know it when it arrives? Hollywood is always trying to answer this and make us feel what love is. But after years and years and years of watching that screen, I know that they answer it but I don’t know for myself.

As I fell asleep last night, a sad realization covered me like the heaviest of weighted blankets. This one was not soothing like it should be when an understanding enlightens the darkness. I have no idea what love like this really does feel or look like. I know what it is to fall in love the moment you see your baby for the first time. The moment they grab your hand and look up like they are safe and happy. The moment they come to you with a heavy heart and embrace you for comfort and you would do anything for them. You would take every ounce of pain so that they never have to feel it again. I love my children so much that I would never hesitate to sacrifice my life for them. I know this love as a parent. What about love like falling in love with a partner, a soulmate, a significant other, a spouse? The heavy realization was that I have never really been in love like this. I have never felt this kind of love. I have never seen this kind of life in a man towards me. What does that safety and warmth look like and what would it do make sure you knew it was there?

My relationships when I was young were not love they were what I think of as “young love”. I was too young to really understand what it all meant and was and could be. I wanted to believe in love and destiny and all that was in the movies. Then I was in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be in and met a guy who was not what I was looking for in my new 30s. It was destiny that I was there. It was destiny that we met. Right? I wanted to believe this despite all of the red flags popping up from the start. I wanted to believe in love, truly destined love. But I never stopped to really think or dive into my head and heart, I just let the Hollywood-like story play out. Looking back now I wasn’t in love, really in love. In the movie, Sophie talked about realizing that she wasn’t in love with her fiancé because she wasn’t upset when they were apart; she didn’t miss him like she should. When the pessimist started to warm up when he saw the long lost love reunion of his grandmother in action, Sophie felt his warmth reach her soul. She understood his transformation because she was transforming too. They were coming to the understanding of love together. That is where love starts…that understanding of personal transformation together. She missed not seeing him, hearing him or being near him. She knew she had to end her engagement and tell the other guy of her love.

That is what I have not experienced in my life. That feeling that your life is missing a piece without that person. I was hit by many rough and heavy bricks laying in bed last night alone. Here they are. I saw that I didn’t miss him when we were apart. Even when we were constantly together and I had to work in France for three weeks, I strongly debated with myself about permanently returning to France. It is all I had ever wanted to do. My opportunity was so close now. Upon returning to the States, it should have been like a movie and that great definitive moment upon seeing him that I knew to choose him. Not so. He didn’t even pick me up at the airport after all this time and saying how much he missed me. He sent a car service. How unromantic and unfulfilling, so why did I not see that he was not truly in love with me then? You truly love and miss someone and decide you can’t lose them, you don’t send a car service. Maybe that is what I needed a grand gesture to make me trust love, to trust his love. This guy in the movie crawled up a wall of vines to be closer to her when he professed his unspoken love for Sophie. That is a grand gesture. I had been empty of anyone showing that in any way and still was. Maybe I needed to see love in order to let mine free. This is how it went in marriage for us. No grand gestures of love instead grand gestures of betrayal. So when we were apart, I didn’t miss him in love but worried in pain of more betrayals. Love couldn’t grow in that setting. Love needs love to grow. Someone needs to be missed in order to miss. Understanding each other leads to the transformation of love. I tried to understand him with every ounce of my mind and heart. I really did. But it is hard to understand a chameleon. It is hard to feel safe and have love grow in an inconsistent world.

It is more than just missing someone though. It is a feeling deep into your toes. You see on people’s faces who are deeply in love. It is like that person makes them feel so blessed, secure and seen that they glow. How do they get this right in movies so often? I have never felt this either. I never felt so calm because of love creating a secure place. I often felt like my husband looked right through me and I didn’t really exist. His hand and his embrace stopped giving me that sense of safety and warmth that it did occasionally in the beginning of our story. I never felt that lava seep down from a kiss into my toes like I had finally arrived at home instead of just a night of passion. Even on my wedding day, that excitement and warmth of walking down the aisle towards a man that felt like the place where you belonged to be, was not there. I wanted to feel that. I hoped to feel that. I did have that feeling of loving him and wanting to spend my life with him. I promised and committed my life and growing in love on that day. I kept that promise and worked on growing in love and never was disloyal to him. But now I am not sure why I felt that way. I had not had that moment of truly knowing for sure that love was our understanding. I had not had that warmth of security flow through my veins into my heart and make me feel that transformation for us. I didn’t hold his hand and never want to let it go. I forgave him over and over and tried harder than I think most would have tried. I wanted to make it work because I didn’t want to fail for my children’s sake. I wanted them to see loving parents as I had seen. But I am very rare in that aspect even then. I decided it was worse for me to stay and teach my children that love is how much pain you can tolerate. Now I cannot even remember him or us as part of my life because he never put himself in it or made love grow. How can you love someone who isn’t really there?

I do want to feel that deep love for someone and from someone. To feel that security in the simplicity of holding hands and being embraced. To feel the lava of a kiss solidify deep into your toes and stay beyond the initial passion. To feel that desire to see the face or hear the voice when you are apart. I think my marriage was doomed from the start because my desire to deeply love was never given the opportunity to grow. Acid doesn’t make a plant grow. And lies, secrets, manipulations and false professions do not make love grow. I wish I had felt that deep love grow after we first met. Maybe someday someone will climb a wall of vines to make sure I understand that we share a transformation of understanding our love and I will feel that warmth, security and genuine passion throughout my entire body and mind. Not every story ends with true love’s kiss. That is okay. My story is continuing with self-love, strength and an acceptance and understanding of being on my own and working towards my goals again. I allowed someone to steal my understanding of what love is to me, but I will never do that again. I am worth more than that. Love is worth more than that. Here’s to finding love like the movies. Keep watching and learning and asking the deep questions of life so you can grow into the person that you are meant to be…happy and loving yourself.

Breathe Out Questions, Breathe In Understanding. Breathe Out Failures, Breathe In Moving On. Breathe Out Staying in Pain, Breathe In Letting Go Towards Self-Love. Breathe Out False Love of Others, Breathe In Deep Love of Self. Breathe Out Being Alone, Breathe In Being Whole.

Lost Energy

Ever have that sinking feeling like you are falling into darkness but it isn’t really that dark? There is light around highlighting the things you cannot seem to grasp? There is this pressure on your brain and heart? You feel paralyzed but seem to be running somewhere at the same time? Your heart is beating so fast but yet you feel numb? You feel like you should cry but there are no tears? You breathe heavy deep breaths that have undertones of slight laughter? Then when it is all over, you sit there like you just woke up from a bad dream that you only remember bits and pieces of in the haze? This is my anxiety “moments”… not attacks to me. They are moments when life is just so big and heavy and it stops you to show you that you need to unload something, anything. The plug in your toe has been pulled and the energy goes rushing out into the gutters of fear and confusion.

We all suffer from overload at times. It is different for everyone. Life is different for everyone. I think this is what is so difficult with life. We really are mapping it out all alone. No one knows our hearts and minds. No one knows our fears and worries. No one knows our pain and suffering. No one knows our hopes and dreams. There is no other human that has lived what we have lived or felt what we have felt exactly like we have. BUT that does not mean that they cannot help us or offer us a supporting hand of love and compassion. I have always believed in the theory that I never know what someone is going through, so treat all with kindness as it might just make a difference in a large way. I would want that always. So I should give that always. Not always easy when I am zapped and feel such a load on my own back. A load that feels as if it is pinching and cutting me with every move and decision. I just want to always be the best version of myself. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes life is too heavy and my energy is lost in the vast darkness of confusion and pain. My one bar remaining is almost gone from sight.

In these times it is so hard to know where to go and what to do so the winds of hope fill me up again. I have learned that turning to God is the only way lately. Like the first three steps say…”I can’t. He can. So I will let Him.” Powerful statement and guidance from someone who needed God at the bottom of his pit. God was the ladder that took him to the light. Was it always easy peasy? No. Was it always light and peace? No. But was it worth it? Yes. So tough for me and for so many out there to let go of the thing that are making us “lose” our energy. So hard to let go of anger, resentments, pain, grief, fear, confusion or even people. Letting go and letting God is the only answer to restore us to full bars again. It is the only answer to real laughter and smiles and love again. I can’t answer why at times I allow the pain and confusion and fear to drain my bars. If I knew why I felt so compelled to find answers to the unanswerable questions in life, then I think that I would always at one bar and never fall below. With God, I don’t need the answers anymore. I just need to believe in the solutions now. I need to see the truth of the reality that is living around me. The truth is never scary because there is nothing lurking in its shadows. The truth is all light and freedom. Light and freedom fuel our energy to grow and change and desire the good things instead of allowing the weights of darkness to hold us down.

This was a heavy purge for me today. I hide behind so much that I hate for people to see my darkness and pain and how weak I am at times. Never want anyone to see how weak I feel lately with so much lost energy on the things that do not deserve my energy. Thank you for listening and accepting me for me…the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pain and the happiness, the strengths and the weaknesses. I accept you too. I hear your hearts too. I embrace you with the kind of love only someone who wants to understand and help can embrace you with – an embrace that wants to put back all those loose pieces. We all have different journeys and different recoveries from the pains and darknesses that life has given us and the beauty is that we do not have to understand fully, but we just have to accept one another for it. Feeling alone too much is draining and overwhelming. The depression and anger is too great to carry on most days. There was a post recently on Instagram that had four pictures of four smiling celebrities. Under the photos it said, “Check on your happy friends.” They were four celebrities who committed suicide but were always happy to the world. Never feel that alone or that lost or that misunderstood. God is always with you. You may not be able to do it, BUT He can. So let Him. And those of us who have lived with the pains of life from abuse to addictions to extreme grief, we will hold your hand and hearts in love and acceptance even if you can’t stand up today. I will lay on the floor with you because I know some days, it would be the greatest feeling having someone who just laid next to me on the floor and held me so tight that the pieces fit together again. Energy lost is hard but you can get off the floor, recover and dance again.

Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Extreme Light. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Acceptance. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe In Truth. Breathe Out Self-Judgments, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Gratitudes. Breathe Out Low Energy, Breath In Dancing in the Rain.

Some Days

Little mind filled with movies

Chases 

Romance

Espionage 

Strong women

Power

Happy endings 

Growing up with different scenes

Last picked 

Never picked 

Sometimes picked 

Should have been picked 

Confused

Desire difference 

Darkness of one can change so much

Lights go out 

Scenes not seen

Pain just felt 

Awful sounds heard but who said it

Ending never seems to come

Happy ending never 

Just confused 

Desiring difference 

Reaching for light switch

It’s on now to see 

Destruction and chaos show 

Like war movie rubble

Pain of anger and fighting

Innocent hurt and crying 

Many confused 

Many desiring difference 

Need to heal 

Need to change the scene 

Important to change 

Music finally plays again

Good music plays again

Starting to breathe from tension 

People are moving on 

Credits end

Less confused 

Still desire change 

…but the light is on for new story to begin

What is Going On with Me?

I finally got the divorced papers signed. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I anticipated this day so many times over this past year. Imagined the feeling of looking like a before and after of extreme weight loss. Like I would feel so much lighter and better. But I do and I don’t. I feel like it should be better. Maybe because I didn’t get that theatrical moment when my attorney slammed his attorney to get me the best settlement and make him pay for hurting me so badly. Like the attorney was the long arm of consequences for his terrible abuse of lies, secrets, manipulations, betrayals and gaslighting. Does that ever happen in real life? Where you feel like everything you had to endure was recognized and you feel validated and compensated? Like that great attorney in movies and TV who finds that one piece of evidence to make you feel like you can walk away with your head held high and proud that you did it right all along. I haven’t heard of that yet. I have heard too many stories where the dark souled spouse comes out on top. It’s like if they rewarded Madoff with house arrest in his two favorite mansions and could still fly back and forth on his private luxury jet. Like why do bad people get rewards? It all seems very hard to embrace that some people will walk with what they want no matter who they are and how they act. Don’t get it at all. Call me strange but I do still believe in justice for all. I love the idea everyone gets what they deserve. I deserve love, loyalty and acceptance but it never seems to happen. If I ever find someone to do this, I will cherish him everyday. This has brought me gratitude for so much. It has also brought me lack of trust in the process of relationships and the ending of them.
But I still don’t understand my feelings. Kind of outer body thing going on. Looking at what I am going through over the years and not fully believing this is my life now. I will come to terms with it and will pray that justice is served to everyone. I have to believe in karma and the hand of it always reaches to everyone, either with good or bad consequences. So if he hurt me so badly for so many years with so many women and so many cruel intentions through lies and secrets, why does it make it harder to accept even though I know that he is severe narcissistic personality who will never change and never was who he pretended to be? Loaded question, huh? Yeh, I am pretty heavy in spirit after watching this evil fog cover the world I thought I knew. Sorry but mixed emotions are not a good cocktail for fun. Don’t get me wrong. I do not love him anymore at all. I never want him back in my life ever again in any capacity. Seeing him and knowing who he really is just disgusts me to the deepest part of my heart. My heart actually shrinks back when it sees him or hears his fake voice filled with constant lies and manipulations to so many people. I am mixed because part of me is so sad at the dream of a family with someone to share it with but I know and am continually grateful for my children who help me find hope, love and courage every day. Just accepting my new normal as a single mom, like accepting that masks and temperatures are the new normal for our society. Adjustments and emotions often butt heads and have difficulty finding common footing to stand strong. I will be strong again and am getter stronger every day. I finally moved out of the home I raised my children in and created memories of holidays and adventures with them there. Sadly, it was not possible to stay and continue this lifeline. Too many factors stole us of this opportunity to continue growing there. Now we are closer to family who wants to be with us and guide us through this process of healing and growth towards lighter days and comfort in progress. I am so grateful I have this now, for them and for me. I will survive. We will survive. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I am entering into the Mrs. Universe body building contest next year if this is true. (Well, not really but feel like I should be able to win or at least place at this point.).
No one likes carry a bag of mixed emotions over her wary shoulders but sometimes we have to so that we reach the destination meant for your souls to find happiness, love and peace. I will embrace my emotions one by one and work on getting them to leave rather than stay once I understand and deal with them.

just breathe in and out with good deep breathes. In and out. ♥️ It will be okay. You will be okay. You will be better than okay soon enough. You are loved and appreciated by me at this very moment. ♥️

Waves of Change

The sun is warm to the skin and the breeze is gentle enough to maintain the constant coolness of comfort. The waves are softly rolling unto the shore with every passing boat. Waves are beautiful to look at and to listen to while the sun dances on the surface behind them. Waves are the sound of constant change in the water and the shoreline. When the winds are extremely calm there are silent waves but the storms create crashing waves that alter every sand in reach of its power.

Our lives are full of waves. Waves that allow us to wade into the water and enjoy the peace and stillness with a calm spirit. Waves that flow with such force and move us unto to a different part of the beach. Our waves are produced by the world around us and within us. The light breeze of getting a better job and stepping into calmer more soothing waters. The torrent winds of living with an active addict that crash us into the shore and leave us exhausted from fighting the riptides of chaos. The storm clouds creating larger waves that push us down the beach unto new sands that offer us a different perspective on our life. Change can be so good when we are stagnant from fears of changing or drowning in the pain of someone’s else actions towards us. Living with a narcissist, sociopath, borderline personality disorder or addict that is not willing to address his/her issues and doesn’t want to change for himself and his/her loved ones is the most exhausting life of treading water in a sea of ever changing levels and force. I know that I am looking forward to change of a new start at a new life where I am not treading the deep and dark stormy waters of his painful actions and words trying to drown me. I have been fighting these waters for 18 years now and I am done and am so excited to swim up to a new beach with softer sands and calmer waves.

Waves of change can be managed in different ways. They can be fought until near deadly exhaustion consumes your soul. Or they can be ridden to a new place where only healing and recovery welcome you on the shore. I choose the latter of these. My arms, legs, heart and mind are exhausted from the first option. I am worth more than the first option. I don’t deserve to be held under the waves only to be let up for enough oxygen to keep my alive. I deserve to feel the sun’s loving warmth wrap around my skin and reach into my soul. I deserve to feel the safety of the soft sand on my feet as I walk towards a new sunset promising a better day when I wake. I deserve love, happiness, respect and honesty. I ride the wave away from the painful man trying to drown me and towards a new life in a better place. A place where I can provide safety, security and healing for me and my children.

Remember sometimes we cannot ride these waves alone and we need friends and family to encourage us away from the near death every day. These dark souls make us believe that we are not worth anything but the storm. Healing is a process when dealing with the PTSD of abuse from someone who sick. It is not a short ride but it is an important ride. Reach out for help. Reach out to those who love you and want you to be better and alive. Pray for help. God, your friends and your family do not want to see you go below the surface. They want to see you on the shore with them; they want to see you to celebrate life because they know that you are worth it. Believe them. Be gentle as you may be so used to treading waters and swimming away will not always be easy. Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth. Believe in a better life.

Breathe Out Deep, Dark Water, Breathe In Warm Sun. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Comfort. Breathe Out Others Pain, Breathe In Your Healing. Breathe Out Exhaustion, Breathe In Rest.

Pressure Points of Emotion

We all have them…pressure points that when pushed, we respond with certain emotions. Some people cry over Hallmark commercials when that little hand surprises a grandmother with a card for her birthday. Some people cry when they are in fear of the girl entering the dark house alone in a horror movie. Some people laugh when the girl is entering the dark house alone in the horror movie. Some people get so mad that are called to act about injustices on the news that are not in their towns. Some people get so depressed about injustices on the news. We all react differently in situations, but we all will react according to the pressure put on certain prominent emotions that surface for us based our experiences…Pressure Points of Emotion! Acupuncture but with sharp needles pushing on our brain and heart.

I realized that my pressure points are so highly sensitive lately. It definitely doesn’t take a sharp point to make them react. My most sensitive pressure point lately is anger and frustration. And when going through the highly sensitive field of divorce that is covered by various landmines, I have been pushed with his words and actions sometimes to the brink of insanity. Sometimes the burning sense of anger for the lack of empathy and understanding for what he has put me through is overwhelming. In times like this it is hard to find that space of calm and peace where you can gain the clarity and sanity required to breathe in and out until calmness returns to your inner being. I try to have a mantra, a prayer, a vision or a place to go to when this happens. Why is it so hard to grasp that at times of extreme pressure? Like I cannot see clearly from the instant fog covering all directions to safety. I am sure you know that feeling of confusion and standing alone if you have been through heartbreak of any kind. Or if you are like me, you have that one person who knows exactly where those pressure points are and pushes them so easily. I feel like he pushes them because he likes the reactions from me. He likes to see me twitch with emotions and uncomfortableness. I have read that narcissistic people get to know you well so that they know where to push you. I am feeling this way lately.

So what do you do during these times when tears come for no reason? There is no Hallmark commercial or sad movie on TV to make you cry. There is no horror movie making you scream in fear. But there is a situation happening in your own lives that triggers one or more emotions. The true insanity comes when they trigger them together…sadness and anger is the worst combination. I feel torn between crying and screaming. And then I tend to do both. Yelling while tears are flowing down my face unto my shirt. I am eventually drenched in tears of sadness and sweat of painful hot anger. Either way, I am not comfortable or healing in peace. I just want peace and comfort over these emotions. I don’t want to become consumed by these. I become someone whom I do not want to be in that moment. I don’t do well in conflict and anger. Sadly, these days in this divorce, he has me on a roller coaster of extreme emotions where I am so nauseous and just want to stop this ride and get out of the park. This ride is fueled by anger and sadness. This too shall pass right?

I need to understand my pressure points and what activates them and their reactions so that I do not react quickly or become someone that I do want to become in tense situations. This is not an easy task when flooded by emotional storms that start drowning your heart and mind. I am going to take deep breathes and think before I speak or react from now on, especially when he tries to push those points leading to anger, pain and tears. It will help me get through that turbulence and not into a new storm because of my emotions. I can create my own storms too. I have to remember this. Always remember this. I have been consumed by pain and emotions lately to the point that I cannot hear my own words sometimes and cannot see how my anger hurts my own soul. Staying in bed isn’t solving my problems. Yelling isn’t solving anything. Talking out of turn isn’t solving anything. I need to see the solutions like the lighthouse guiding me in the fog, instead of letting the fog consume me into fear, anger and sadness. We can all do this if we focus inward and pray very hard. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can and The wisdom to know the difference.” This should release those sharp needles pushing on the our pain and fears.

Breathe Out Anger, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Irritation, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Tears & Sadness, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out The Heaviness, Breathe In Peace & Calm.

Emotional Drought? We Need to Carry Love On

Love has taken on a entirely new form it seems. It lost its honest soul that motivates people to do good for good and be the light inside of the darkness. To stand up for a cause in the right way. To show support without aggression. To speak the truth without yelling. To embrace another without expectations. To simply love without strings or judgements. To not abuse someone who offers you love and support. When did love become such a shadow hiding in every day life? Maybe it always has been this way, but I am just now starting to understand it and really see it and feel it deep within my heart. Maybe it is the path my life is on at this time and love is harder to see through the many shadows around me.

Have you ever felt that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, that is how I am feeling lately for so many reasons. I have spent the past 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage where I did everything to make this narcissistic addict love me, see me and want to be with me. I allowed him to make me believe that I would never be enough, that there was something wrong with me. He did leave visible bruises with his fists of anger but he made my spirit and heart bleed with lies, secrets and manipulations of anger towards my love for him and us. I even reached out my severely weak hand to lift him up during his drug use. I loved enough to see him and the big picture than just myself. Living this way drains the energy from a soul. This drains the pools of love because you give and give from your resevoir but do not receive more to fill it back up in return. It is an emotional drought of your soul. You drain the tank and just run on empty for years. Eventually, you can no longer sustain yourself, you heart, your mind, your spirit running on nothing, not even fumes. However depleted I became, I am proud that I can love this way and still can even after being so beaten for my love. I can carry love on.

Coronavirus brought fear and people doing all they could to protect themselves and those that they love. But it was so sad to me that it grew anger and blame for other countries and governments. It brought out protests for what people saw as their right to choose a mask or not. A simple mask could save a life. Maybe your life. Maybe your loved one’s life. Maybe one of the worker’s who is saving lives. Simple mask showed love for others and yourself. This virus brought out people hoarding simple items that could save lives of those working to save lives. All for economic gain of themselves? Is money more important than a human life? There was definitely so many good acts and such positivity spread by the medical workers and people spending hard earned money to help others. The picture that stands in my mind is this one nurse in a mask standing up to a mass of protesters without masks. Such love in one person to stand up and show how simple love for each other can be displayed. What was she doing wrong? Her job to save lives of everyone, even that protester? Her own life was on the line to save more. That is love from the deepest place of a heart. Saving others at the expense of yourself. Why can’t love rule and we stand together? It hurts my soul that there is a sea of aggression and darkness trying to push love away. But we can carry love on.

Now these protests. These protests. So much aggression and darkness abounds behind the fires and broken glass. Where is the love for George and the others who have wrongfully died. These acts are not love for these victims. Stealing a new pair of Nikes from a store is not love. Shooting a cop in the head to show that you protest this is not love for George. Ruining the lives on innocent business owners just trying to survive after the shutdown, this is not love for George. Why is it so much easier to fuel hatred than it is to fuel love? Why can’t everyone in this world stand in unison, in silence, dressed in all black to mourn the loss of love and acceptance and working together to make this world a better place to live? Why can’t these protests mimic the cities where cops and civilians walk hand in hand in love and solidarity to create a consciousness of positive change. That would be love growing out of pain. That would be love dominating the new movement towards a better tomorrow. We can carry love on.

Today, I am feeling that this darkness over the world is the saddest weight laying on my soul. When did we get so lost in ourselves? When did we get so lost in the true meaning of “love one another” that we were taught as children? People are so ego driven with aggressive tones of wanting what they feel is best for themselves without the big picture coming into their view. From the narcissist in my life doing what pleases only him regardless of the bleeding souls on his path to the protesters losing site of the reasons behind what they are doing for a change towards the better, we are living in a world where love seems to be hiding in the shadows because it was put there. We are living in an emotional drought of love and acceptance. We are all in different places in our lives and affected by these places in different ways. Some are living in love and are here to help it grow again by spreading their rich supply from their souls. Others are so dehydrated by the missing positivity that they need love and to feel love again. We can love ourselves first and foremost to make sure that it never dies. But rememberer that loving yourself is not about an ego or self-advancement at the cost of others. Loving yourself actually helps you love others better. Can we all just love without the pain that grows from ignorance, selfishness and hatred? We can learn from pain, even the pain we may have caused in the past. Learn from it and grow into a loving and accepting soul. We are all made from the same dirt and start life in the same way. So why do we fight each other? I pray that God embraces us and guides us to a better tomorrow where we can grab the hand of a neighbor and hold it tightly until the love starts to grow again and diminishes the darkness hanging over this world. We can carry love on.

Breathe Out Hatred, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Violence, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Impulsive Aggression, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Emotional Drought, Breathe in Love. Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Love.