Ever have one of those days or nights or even weeks where you just feel the weight of too much sitting on your shoulders and whispering into your ears jumbled words of sadness, grief and loneliness? I have been having those moments lately. More than I would like to have actually, many more than I would like to have. I try so hard to portray this strong woman. But some days the strength evades me and I just can’t keep up the appearance that day. I am human, am I not? Why do I feel I am expected to be more than that?
So what do we do when we are in this place? I am not sure. I have been trying to figure that out for myself. I have only come up with praying. I have been praying for months and months. I know God is there listening to me but I feel alone and not heard so often. Loneliness is tough when you are trying to heal from the wounds of a bad past marriage. But you surround yourself with people to never feel alone. It doesn’t always work. Sadness can be so strong that it hurts to smile. But you smile anyways despite the pain because you don’t want anyone to know the pain that you carry inside. Grief can be this heavy weight that makes your knees buckle under each step. But you keep walking forward because you don’t want to go backwards where the pain and sadness lives. So you keep walking forward with a smile towards the crowds. Does this help? Sometimes yes it does and actually makes you start healing away from it all. Sometimes it can make thing worse when you do this. Navigating these rough seas of recovery and healing from emotional pain can be well…alot to handle.
COVID and the holidays are so tough for healing and feelings like this. It can all seem so overwhelming and cumbersome. Today was one of those days for me. I have felt like the universe was against me or punishing me for something that I have no idea what I did wrong. I am praying the serenity prayer and words of guidance to make sense of everything that has happened and how to make my life better today and every tomorrow to come. I just want to smile and feel the warmth into my toes. I want to feel the light again. The light that was so bright before my marriage. I am getting there. I can smell the flowers blooming again. I can revel in the gloriousness of change and growth. I do not have to walk on eggshells every day. My feet feel better too. LOL. And I have found my sense of humor too. These good things are not as strong as they once were. But they are growing. Days like today just make it harder to feel them deep into my soul. But I carry on trying to find the treasures of hope.
So what do we do on days like today? We stand up and brush our hair and take the steps that we can. If we can’t smile then just don’t smile..but never be rude to anyone. I always say that you never know what someone else is going through and a smile could save their day. I have passed on smiles that I don’t even have for myself. It did make me feel better and gave me a warmth that helped me find me find part of my smile the next day. That is hard to do sometimes when we have so many painful memories and emotions. But I just know that moving forward and towards the healing powers of light and love are the only answer after suffering. I gain strength and hope from others in support and recovery groups. I gain strength writing in hopes of helping someone else dealing with the same heaviness on this journey. I wish you all hope, strength and courage to find your smiles and move towards a better tomorrow.
Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Sadness, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Grief, Breathe In Healing.