Ever have that sinking feeling like you are falling into darkness but it isn’t really that dark? There is light around highlighting the things you cannot seem to grasp? There is this pressure on your brain and heart? You feel paralyzed but seem to be running somewhere at the same time? Your heart is beating so fast but yet you feel numb? You feel like you should cry but there are no tears? You breathe heavy deep breaths that have undertones of slight laughter? Then when it is all over, you sit there like you just woke up from a bad dream that you only remember bits and pieces of in the haze? This is my anxiety “moments”… not attacks to me. They are moments when life is just so big and heavy and it stops you to show you that you need to unload something, anything. The plug in your toe has been pulled and the energy goes rushing out into the gutters of fear and confusion.
We all suffer from overload at times. It is different for everyone. Life is different for everyone. I think this is what is so difficult with life. We really are mapping it out all alone. No one knows our hearts and minds. No one knows our fears and worries. No one knows our pain and suffering. No one knows our hopes and dreams. There is no other human that has lived what we have lived or felt what we have felt exactly like we have. BUT that does not mean that they cannot help us or offer us a supporting hand of love and compassion. I have always believed in the theory that I never know what someone is going through, so treat all with kindness as it might just make a difference in a large way. I would want that always. So I should give that always. Not always easy when I am zapped and feel such a load on my own back. A load that feels as if it is pinching and cutting me with every move and decision. I just want to always be the best version of myself. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes life is too heavy and my energy is lost in the vast darkness of confusion and pain. My one bar remaining is almost gone from sight.
In these times it is so hard to know where to go and what to do so the winds of hope fill me up again. I have learned that turning to God is the only way lately. Like the first three steps say…”I can’t. He can. So I will let Him.” Powerful statement and guidance from someone who needed God at the bottom of his pit. God was the ladder that took him to the light. Was it always easy peasy? No. Was it always light and peace? No. But was it worth it? Yes. So tough for me and for so many out there to let go of the thing that are making us “lose” our energy. So hard to let go of anger, resentments, pain, grief, fear, confusion or even people. Letting go and letting God is the only answer to restore us to full bars again. It is the only answer to real laughter and smiles and love again. I can’t answer why at times I allow the pain and confusion and fear to drain my bars. If I knew why I felt so compelled to find answers to the unanswerable questions in life, then I think that I would always at one bar and never fall below. With God, I don’t need the answers anymore. I just need to believe in the solutions now. I need to see the truth of the reality that is living around me. The truth is never scary because there is nothing lurking in its shadows. The truth is all light and freedom. Light and freedom fuel our energy to grow and change and desire the good things instead of allowing the weights of darkness to hold us down.
This was a heavy purge for me today. I hide behind so much that I hate for people to see my darkness and pain and how weak I am at times. Never want anyone to see how weak I feel lately with so much lost energy on the things that do not deserve my energy. Thank you for listening and accepting me for me…the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pain and the happiness, the strengths and the weaknesses. I accept you too. I hear your hearts too. I embrace you with the kind of love only someone who wants to understand and help can embrace you with – an embrace that wants to put back all those loose pieces. We all have different journeys and different recoveries from the pains and darknesses that life has given us and the beauty is that we do not have to understand fully, but we just have to accept one another for it. Feeling alone too much is draining and overwhelming. The depression and anger is too great to carry on most days. There was a post recently on Instagram that had four pictures of four smiling celebrities. Under the photos it said, “Check on your happy friends.” They were four celebrities who committed suicide but were always happy to the world. Never feel that alone or that lost or that misunderstood. God is always with you. You may not be able to do it, BUT He can. So let Him. And those of us who have lived with the pains of life from abuse to addictions to extreme grief, we will hold your hand and hearts in love and acceptance even if you can’t stand up today. I will lay on the floor with you because I know some days, it would be the greatest feeling having someone who just laid next to me on the floor and held me so tight that the pieces fit together again. Energy lost is hard but you can get off the floor, recover and dance again.
Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Extreme Light. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Acceptance. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe In Truth. Breathe Out Self-Judgments, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Gratitudes. Breathe Out Low Energy, Breath In Dancing in the Rain.