What is Going On with Me?

I finally got the divorced papers signed. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I anticipated this day so many times over this past year. Imagined the feeling of looking like a before and after of extreme weight loss. Like I would feel so much lighter and better. But I do and I don’t. I feel like it should be better. Maybe because I didn’t get that theatrical moment when my attorney slammed his attorney to get me the best settlement and make him pay for hurting me so badly. Like the attorney was the long arm of consequences for his terrible abuse of lies, secrets, manipulations, betrayals and gaslighting. Does that ever happen in real life? Where you feel like everything you had to endure was recognized and you feel validated and compensated? Like that great attorney in movies and TV who finds that one piece of evidence to make you feel like you can walk away with your head held high and proud that you did it right all along. I haven’t heard of that yet. I have heard too many stories where the dark souled spouse comes out on top. It’s like if they rewarded Madoff with house arrest in his two favorite mansions and could still fly back and forth on his private luxury jet. Like why do bad people get rewards? It all seems very hard to embrace that some people will walk with what they want no matter who they are and how they act. Don’t get it at all. Call me strange but I do still believe in justice for all. I love the idea everyone gets what they deserve. I deserve love, loyalty and acceptance but it never seems to happen. If I ever find someone to do this, I will cherish him everyday. This has brought me gratitude for so much. It has also brought me lack of trust in the process of relationships and the ending of them.
But I still don’t understand my feelings. Kind of outer body thing going on. Looking at what I am going through over the years and not fully believing this is my life now. I will come to terms with it and will pray that justice is served to everyone. I have to believe in karma and the hand of it always reaches to everyone, either with good or bad consequences. So if he hurt me so badly for so many years with so many women and so many cruel intentions through lies and secrets, why does it make it harder to accept even though I know that he is severe narcissistic personality who will never change and never was who he pretended to be? Loaded question, huh? Yeh, I am pretty heavy in spirit after watching this evil fog cover the world I thought I knew. Sorry but mixed emotions are not a good cocktail for fun. Don’t get me wrong. I do not love him anymore at all. I never want him back in my life ever again in any capacity. Seeing him and knowing who he really is just disgusts me to the deepest part of my heart. My heart actually shrinks back when it sees him or hears his fake voice filled with constant lies and manipulations to so many people. I am mixed because part of me is so sad at the dream of a family with someone to share it with but I know and am continually grateful for my children who help me find hope, love and courage every day. Just accepting my new normal as a single mom, like accepting that masks and temperatures are the new normal for our society. Adjustments and emotions often butt heads and have difficulty finding common footing to stand strong. I will be strong again and am getter stronger every day. I finally moved out of the home I raised my children in and created memories of holidays and adventures with them there. Sadly, it was not possible to stay and continue this lifeline. Too many factors stole us of this opportunity to continue growing there. Now we are closer to family who wants to be with us and guide us through this process of healing and growth towards lighter days and comfort in progress. I am so grateful I have this now, for them and for me. I will survive. We will survive. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I am entering into the Mrs. Universe body building contest next year if this is true. (Well, not really but feel like I should be able to win or at least place at this point.).
No one likes carry a bag of mixed emotions over her wary shoulders but sometimes we have to so that we reach the destination meant for your souls to find happiness, love and peace. I will embrace my emotions one by one and work on getting them to leave rather than stay once I understand and deal with them.

just breathe in and out with good deep breathes. In and out. ♥️ It will be okay. You will be okay. You will be better than okay soon enough. You are loved and appreciated by me at this very moment. ♥️

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