Every movie, every tv show, every book has such a similar plot of what divorce looks like. Well, what we wish divorce looked like in the real world. I am really wondering why and how they keep writing the same story over and over again. Where are the real stories? The stories of panic attacks from fearing severe money issues because the narcissistic man is playing dark, threatening games over the thick stack of papers to determine your future. Or the crying yourself to sleep when you don’t want to stay awake and feel the blood dripping from the stab wounds of betrayal after betrayal rising to the service every day. The truth and the reality are so tough to go through so I imagine it is harder to show it on the big screen or in print. No one wants to read about or see the dim depressed characters that draw the real picture that is divorce. Do they?
I find the truth inspiring. I find the truth empowering to conquer the pain of it all. The pain of moving on and acceptance of what was, what is and what will be. If we show the truth, then more people will not feel so alone in the uphill journey to see an unobstructed, glowing sunset promising a better tomorrow. So what is the truth of divorce from my line of sight? Well, I know it is not everyone’s story. Everyone has his/her own story of what life looks like, especially after heartbreak. But mine is not a rom-com with some hunk chasing me to take my blues away and make my pain disappear in his bulging muscles all the while making my ex completely jealous so I feel better about what he did to me soooo many times. That would be awesome if that was the picture right now. I would love to shove how great I am back in my ex’s face and make him think again about what he did to me. Reality check. He won’t ever see this though. Not because there is no hunk waiting to wrap me in his muscles but because he is a narcissist who cannot see remorse or regret for losing me like a normal person could. I have to always remember this. Maybe the next divorce show or movie should be about the pain of living with and divorcing a narcissistic addict and trying to co-parent with him. This might end up in the horror/suspense genre.
I have been watching so many tv shows and movies that have these women left in a heap on the cold bathroom floor, but wait it only lasts for a scene then it’s excitement of singlehood taking over. These women in their 40’s are attracting younger men. I mean really like standing at a bar in a sea of beautiful people and the young guy looks at this older woman and wants her? Or they are on Tinder and having the time of their lives? They can move from bed to bed and it doesn’t emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically affect them in any way? Somehow the kids’ adjustments takes a very short time and they are not asking hard questions to which there are no good unharming answers? When does this happen in the real world? Does this happen in the real world? Not in my real world. I don’t have anyone asking for my number (granted I live in a small area and there are not many places to go). I am scared of dating apps. To be honest I feel it is a scream of desperation and dance for the younger crowds. My own children have asked me not to date yet. They saw how he allowed women to take their places after the separation. They were definitely not the priority that they hoped to be with him. That’s the story on my marriage. Women and friends were always more important. More worthy of his time and affection. We were just here if he needed us. He left his family behind so easily for the truly single bachelor life and never looked back in regret.
Heartbreak doesn’t easily heal within a few weeks so that you can suddenly move on and trust again. There are no men out there waiting to swoop in from a barstool and make me feel like my heart was never demolished from endless cheating and emotional abuse for too many years. If they are out there looking for me then I am living in the wrong story. I just have such severe trust issues from all the endless amounts of lies, secrets and manipulations. I don’t even think I would believe someone who complimented my looks or my soul. I have been ripped down so far with words and actions telling me and making me feel that I am not worth much. He has me so brainwashed that I am not someone who would get a right swipe. That I am not beautiful enough. That I am not the type of woman someone wants for a date or wants to stay with. What has this awful man done to me? How did I get here? Why can’t they show this side of the journey? The endless days and nights of feeling such intense pain that you think your body is going to explode. The days when you discover that your husband has been living many lives during your marriage and you don’t know what to do or which one you are. Or the questionable moments when you are scared that you made the wrong choices in the divorce and are going to end up in that bad financial place that never seemed possible. That you can’t trust anyone, even your lawyer. These are real. These are the realities of divorcing a narcissistic addict. Whether he is sober or not the narcissistic piece is always turned on and ready for a demeaning battle to stab you one more time. The stabs are never enough to kill, but just enough to scar with longterm pain.
I would love to walk into a bar and feel like someone really sees me. Someone would really want me. Not just for a quick one night stand or for games, that sounds awful and more damaging right now. But really want me as I am. No filters. No highlights. Just me and my baggage. Someone who would want to help me drop my baggage and show me love really does exist and narcissists and sociopaths do not rule this real world that I live in every day.
I am sending out to all the movie and television productions to show a reality of narcissistic abuse and the damage and fears that it creates in the victims. There are no bruises to show what we are going through in marriage or in divorce. We put on a smile and dress up to hide the pain. We put it all on to look good and feel good again. We forgot how to feel good. We were told that we were nothing and didn’t deserve to feel good. We sadly started to believe this too. Now we just want to feel good. To feel beautiful. To feel like we are healing finally. We want peace and happiness. We deserve this all. We so deserve this all. We want to make our exes look at us with regret and sadness for what they did and didn’t do (this we will never get though, not with a narcissist or sociopath on the other side of the table). We want to feel normal again, that’s it. I would love to see what this looks like on the big screen. Someday maybe. Maybe I will have to write it and share it with the world so we can feel normal in all our pain, sadness, grief and desire to heal first before anything. Although it would be nice to do this in the bulging muscles of some hunk…I have never felt that in my life so I would like to feel it once. wink, wink.
Breathe Out Pretending, Breathe In Realities. Breathe Out Low-Esteem, Breathe In Confidence. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Adventures. Breathe Out Crying, Breathe in Laughing Again. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Wholeness.