Ever wish that you had that “magic crystal ball” so many people refer to when in doubt? I have always envisioned this ball about the size of gigantic disco ball hanging about the dance floor with the best music ever. My imagination always goes to glittery, sparkly moments…that’s the unicorn collecting child in me. Yes, I had many unicorns in my bright yellow room. My inner child is great! Off the track though, sorry. So yes, I wish that I had that ever-so-telling crystal ball about now. So many questions to ask. So much time at home to ask them.
Knowing the future, or even just a snippet of it, would be such a help. Such a relief from the worry and stress of not knowing what is around the sharp edged corners of these days. There is so much stress and worry when going through a divorce. It is even harder when you are dealing with someone who seems to suffer from Narcissistic and Pathological Lying Issues. This is when the crystal ball would shed some illuminating rainbow-hued light onto a very dark space and time. When divorcing in a scenario like this, it is so hard to know what is the reality and what is the hologram. I have held onto the hologram of lies and manipulations for so long that reality is like a foreign image to me. Now I desperately need reality to get my foundation back and start over on firmer ground. Sounds so easy. It did sound so easy. But it isn’t so easy. For me reality is fleeting lately. Will I go to a new setting with firmer foundation? Or will have to stay on the shaky ground of my existing home? Will this pandemic change the way things turn out? Will I find a job that can sustain family minus one (my ex is minus one if that wasn’t clear)? Will I ever feel the comfort in dating again? Will my children be settled enough to see me date again (they have asked me to hold off for some time as they are not ready for that)?
Where is that shiny ball when you need it? I would love answers to any of the questions. I would prefer answers to all of the questions but will settle for a few, or maybe one. I am really not high maintenance. Never was, so why start now. I know, I know. You don’t have to remind me or treat me like I am delusional. There is no real crystal ball or a way of knowing what the future holds. I have to accept what was, what is and what will be. I have to take all my realities, that at times I begrudgingly drag like a bag of dirty laundry, and travel to a better day where I can heal and grow. I have to have faith that God has a greater plan than the pain I have endured at the hands of emotional abuse and still feeling in therapy for the trauma and stress issues it has caused me today. These are all moments where the crystal ball would be an easy solution to a very difficult situation, but my crystal ball will have to be faith like the sun shining over the horizon every day. God knows my heart and my pain and my hopes. He will protect and guide me towards the best vision in any glorious round sphere of enlightenment.
So the lesson that I have learned in this solitude of a pandemic is to slow down and breathe in the faith that we are held in the strong arms of God and we will get through this to our own rainbows and unicorns. My crystal ball may be cracked and not working but my hope is not shattered.
Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Hope. Breathe Out Worry, Breathe In Serenity. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Questions, Breathe In Faith.