What Do I Want?

Being at home for over a month has given me a lot of time to think. Some good thoughts. Some not so good thoughts. But a dominant thought entering the depths of my overworked brain is, “What do I want after all of this?” Big, loaded questions this is. Well, it is to me. I haven’t allowed myself to keep this question in my mind over the past few years. I was scared that the answer would tell me to leave the miserable marriage that I was trying to make better and save and start only taking care of myself. I would sit in movie theaters and dream of the days working on sets and acting in those independent and major motion films. I would watch TV and miss my days of running scripts, working late night crashes for the live show and watching Saturday Night Live from the balcony every Saturday. I happily gave up these dreams for a future with a great family of my own. I stayed in a town that was not a definition of who I am, but did so for the promise of a good, happy life. I learned a valuable lesson in the past 19 years…don’t build your life on someone else’s promise. Especially someone whom I did not know all that well; I mean I really only knew what he told me about himself and from his not-so-reliable friends. I did have someone warn me about him and who he is. I had signs, many signs that would have scared most people. But his love bombing and creation of who he wanted me to see was very strong. I wanted to believe him. I knew I was worthy of a promise like this. I know I am worthy of a promise like this. I was and am worthy of truly being loved, so why wouldn’t this be truth that he loved me this way and it was worth giving up my dreams for him and our future family?

Well, my family isn’t the promise that I was gifted all those years ago. I was promised something and promised the same in return…faithful, loyal, respect, love, friendship and safety. I gave all of those through all the years. I never once cheated; I respected him as a person and as my husband; I loved him through all his ups and downs and supported him through recovery from drugs and women issues; I was his friend, partner and lover; I tried to make a safe place for him to recover and grow into the person he constantly said that he wanted to be. With extreme sadness, he did not keep his promises to me. He cheated many times with many women and in many different ways over the years; He didn’t respect me or our vows with honesty and loyalty; He lied to and manipulated me since we started dating (I didn’t even realize most of it until now); He couldn’t have loved me because love doesn’t hurt someone, watch them cry in pain and do it again and again; He did offer me friendship as long as I didn’t challenge his lies or secrets or addictions (his “friends” always support his all of his choices); He didn’t give me safety when I couldn’t rely on him for protecting me and my heart. The only promise that was kept was the promise of children. We had talked about having 3 or 4 children. He told me that he wanted many little pairs of feet running around and that he wanted a big family and yada yada yada. I was so sad that the third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and marked the end of trying for me as his addiction and affairs escalated just before that awful day. I loved being a mom and wife so much. I never thought I would be married or have kids. I was going to be an “Auntie Mame” type woman. But I was greatly surprised that this life me something that I never had known would bring such large amounts of happiness and love…children. He said he wanted all this and I blindly believed his words which turned out to be empty of honesty and value.

Now I am a very happy mother of two wonderful souls that bring me unbelievable amounts of joy and love. I never knew being a mother would be this amazing. I loved being a wife just as much. I spent my days enjoying things that brought them happiness and love from my enormous heart. Now I give all that love to my two children and dog. The wife part of my life has been erased and I have let it go…completely let it go. I have to be okay with this. I will be okay with this. I am okay with this. Not being a wife and sharing in the work of the family and financial life with my husband and partner, has made me consider now what I want in life to fill that vacant part. What do I want to do now? Do I want to take back my dreams of film and television? Do I want to pursue my dreams of writing? Do I want to reach my dreams of creating art for other to appreciate? Do I want to pack my dreams in a suitcase and travel the world? So many ideas. So much to think about while staying home. Where to start? Where to go?

I have decided that this is God’s gift of a new life. Perhaps God took me here to make me better for the path I was on before meeting this person who beat me down to a bottom that I never imagined possible. I have to forget about the promises that an unreliable person gave to me and threw out like the trash. I am not trash. My dreams are not trash. They were just shelved by me years back. Now I am taking them off the shelf and reviewing them, carefully reviewing them. I am thinking that my passion to create a lasting impact through words and art is my calling. I will start where I can. I have an amazing voice full of pain, love, compassion and honesty. I have the gifts of creativity to enhance this voice. So get ready! Here I come to conquer the world of film, TV, writing and art. Just can’t wait to see which one will sprout first for me and show my children that their mom can do it on her own. And to show me that I can do it on my own like I have for so many years before I met a man who made me feel so “less than.” Thanks to him, I have gotten stronger because I had to get stronger while knowing I was completely alone these past years and did it. We all can be better and take our dreams back and get what we want from life if we just meditate on our souls to find what that is.

Breathe Out Broken Promises from Someone, Breathe In New Promises to Yourself. Breathe Out Grief, Breathe In Progress. Breathe Out Worry, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Old Ways, Breathe In Renewed Spirit.

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