Sometimes we need to learn to stop, step back from the chaos and confusion and just breathe in the peace of taking it easy. No vacation is total calm and ease of time. There is travel time and planning involved in every getaway. BUT there are definite moments for you to take it all in and just let go and let God revive your exhausted spirit and weary mind. I did that recently. Regardless of the fact that I was with family (lots of family), I relaxed and absorbed the good energy available to me that was greatly needed after this long winter of chaos, confusion, pain and grief. The sun felt warmer. The breeze felt crisper. The sounds felt more peaceful. The time felt less hectic. It was such an amazing reward for all the difficulties dealt to me at the hands of the narcissist in my life.
I used this time away to explore the options that lay in front of my feet. The same feet that are able to change the direction of my life and make it better. Only I can move those feet. Only I can change my direction. I saw that the option of moving and relocating could be hugely beneficial to myself and my children. Especially my children. They could witness their mother go from heartbreak and pain to success and renewal in a new place. They could leave behind the pain of rejection and abandonment that they have had to deal with too. It is so hard to accept what they have had to endure along this journey of being married to a narcissistic addict. I feel like I should have been stronger and better at protecting them from the feelings of rejection and abandonment and pain. I have to remind myself that we all have our own journeys in life and I cannot shelter anyone from his or her journey. God has us on His map of life and He has plans for us that are far greater than any journey we could imagine. I do see these emotional and mental obstacles that I have faced with my children as events of growth and bonding for us. I am closer to my children than I could have ever imagined. I understand my children more than most parents seem to understand. I love my children so deeply sometimes it hurts my heart with the fullness pressing on its walls. This isn’t unhealthy. This is a bond of survival created in times of trouble. Many go through this bonding with an intense event of change and growth. People who survive a crash or crisis together. People who witness war together. People who live with active addiction in their families and watch someone killing himself. They are all very different stories but the same bonds are created.
When we are standing in the middle of the this dust storm stirred up by the narcissist and/or addict in our families then it does create a bond of survival. It does create such tension and stress that eventually takes it toll on everyone around that person – The Ripple Effect. (for my next entry) The dust can consume you and your existence. When it gets this way for you or your loved ones, please take a moment or two and step away. Take a break from this life that will suffocate you with the pain, grief, exhaustion, confusion and chaos. Whether for a day or two or a week or two, it doesn’t matter. You need a break. You need a recharge. You need to see outside of the storm and be able to envision all the good things in just changing your feet slightly in a new direction. Your feet have to be in a different direction to get out of this storm. BUT before you change your feet in a new direction, you need the strength to change them. It is not as simple as it sounds. Trust me, I know from being there in that exact exhaustion and sadness and confusion. Which direction? How much do I turn my feet? Will it be the best choice? Can I do this alone? Do I want to do it alone? Why do I have to be here right now?
All good questions. All things that I have asked myself over and over again. The direction is determined by your desires for your life and the visions that you hold for your own passions and greatness. You are great. You can do it if you believe. How much you change your life is up to you and your need to change. If you are being physically abused, I would recommend you make a big change to safeguard yourself and your family. (Please, remember you are worth SO much more than the evil person hurting you is making you feel.) Yes, you can definitely do this alone. Do we ever want to do anything alone in life? No. But can we? Yes. We have survived living with a very disrespectful, unloving person for this long. We can do this on our own. I have learned I am never really on my own. I have all those people who have gone through my pain in their lives walking with me every day. I have friends that have stepped up to be with me and help me as they can. Yes, some family and friends lack the courage to walk with you and cannot handle messy things. Don’t worry about them. Don’t focus on them. Let them walk in their direction away from you. Just know there are people willing to help you along way. Many of those people will be the new friends that you meet on your road to change. These friends will most likely be the ones who truly become part of your new, positive life. You can always make changes again and again. There is no rule saying to you have to stay where you are at this moment. Life is about change. Take this moment right now as a gift to make a better life and a change for you and your family and true friends. Take time to stop and rest along the way. Take time to heal. Take time to breathe. Take time to be grateful and blessed for change from the pain. Take time to figure out your feet and your direction. Take time to love yourself back together. Just remember to take time to step our of the dust storm that this narcissist wants to keep you in and suffocating you. You deserve more than living in constant suffocation from pain and confusion.
Breathe out dust, Breathe in fresh air. Breathe out confusion, Breathe in serenity. Breathe out panic, Breathe in calm. Breathe out negative people, Breathe in positive people. Breathe out fear of change, Breathe in excitement of growth.