Some days it is like walking into a huge closet and being confused about what to wear. Do I feel like dressing up or being comfy? Heels or sneakers? Pants or skirt? Black or bright colors? For me the clothes that I picked reflected my feelings that day. As one girl whom I hardly knew in my office once told me after I resigned from the company, “I am going to miss you so much because I looked forward to seeing what you would wear every day. Some days you looked like you just left a rave and other days you looked like Audrey Hepburn.” I was flattered and surprised at the same time. Was I really that diverse. The answer was yes. I still am. That is what I consider one of my greatest qualities…I am never ordinary or simple in anything that I do. I like to be different. I strive to stand outside of every box. This works great in most areas of life. Except it doesn’t work so well in the emotional part of life. I am so diverse in emotions. My clothes did reflect my emotions. Some days I felt like having fun and just setting out to enjoy that day. Some days I was serious about life and my path going forward. When I combined these I would look like Audrey Hepburn wearing orange Converse. Yeh, hard to imagine her wearing those? Me too. But I know if she had had the chance to wear them with a Roman Holiday dress, she would have. I always wanted to be that fun but sophisticated woman who did not get knocked off her Vespa on her journey into the exciting life ahead of her.
I am really not sure where I got off the Vespa and lost the days of raves and Audrey Hepburn. They did go away for awhile. I gave up my soul. I gave it to a monster who loves to eat souls adorned in fun, color and hope. He wasn’t a monster at first. I guess you could say a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His wardrobe was stylish but these were all merely costumes for the role he was playing that day. I never played a role. I played myself. If I was a movie a character, I think I would have been a cross between Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly, Jennifer Gardner in 13 Going on 30 and Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. That was me. No acts. Just me. I lost those spirited parts of myself. I lost the roses on my lapel, the vintage coats, the variety of dresses, the jewelry galore. I lost my spark that made me who I was. I became jeans and what top I thought he would like or what he bought me (which usually was never a reflection of me). I am not sure if he thought of me when shopping for many gifts. Some were great. A few times he actually saw me. Many other times it was like he never even saw me. Sizes wrong. Styles off. Not even the looks that he said he liked to see on a woman. I would try to wear them to make him happy and to think I looked pretty. I wouldn’t feel like me in them. I gave my soul to the monster. I gave my spirit to the monster. I allowed myself to become the kind of person that I felt bad for in life. I allowed myself to exist in a relationship that I said I would never allow. Why did I allow it? Why did I give up my spirit that made me special? Why would he want to take that spirit from me if he said that is what he loved about me when we met?
Who we are deep inside the depths of our souls is so valuable and so important to this world. If we were all the same then this world would be so boring and so one colored. I don’t want to live in a world like that. I never wanted to live in a world like that. Yet, I was willing to live in a world like that for what I thought was love. But I realized that true love, real love, honest love doesn’t drain the color from the world. It does just the opposite; it brightens every corner and makes the colors have flavors and smells. Only destructive love kills the life in our spirits and souls. Destructive love of a narcissist, addict, abuser, sociopath, etc. can drain every drop of color from your life. I don’t even know if you can call it destructive love. There is no love in their actions or words. There is just pain and sadness that slowly brings you to your knees surrounded by hues of grey and black. You are a pile on the floor in drab sweatpants and a t-shirt that doesn’t even resemble your past self. You don’t even recognize yourself anymore when you look in the mirror. It hurts to look at what you have become. I know because I have been there. I was so mad at myself for giving up my heart to a monster who just kept stabbing it and then getting mad at me because I was bleeding. It is insanity that puts us on the floor. It is insanity that makes us forget who we are. It is insanity that makes the color vanish. It is the insanity of loving someone who abuses us either mentally, emotionally or physically.
I realized that I was just a blob of grey. When I tried to be me again, I would find out he was cheating again. I was finally hit by glitter bomb falling from a rainbow. Well, not really but I like to imagine it that way. I was hit with the understanding that he never loved me. He loved the idea of a faithful, loving, doting wife. I just happened to be the supply that worked for him at the right time. Lucky me. Like he walked into the store and said, “Oh yes, this dress. This dress is the perfect companion for me, sexy enough but also tasteful and sophisticated for what I need.” I was like a selection from a store. Then he outgrew me very fast. But I kept trying to be the perfect fit for him.
I am once again myself. This time it is gold, snakeskin, neon or pink sneakers. It is fun jewelry that I buy for myself. It is fun, sophisticated and sexy all in one, but with creativity and color in every stitch. I look so much better that people are telling me how great I look these days. It feels fabulous to have people see me again. I am not a grey blob anymore. I am me again. I am fabulous me again. I learned so much over these past 18 years. I will never go back to that drab girl again. I am forever fun and creative and me again. I love me again! Don’t let a monster drain your color from your soul. Take back your color and your life back from this destructive false love. You are fabulous and never let anyone make you feel or think any other way.
Breathe out sadness, Breathe in happiness. Breathe out grey, Breathe in color. Breathe out smoke, Breathe in rose petals. Breathe out misery, Breathe in freedom. Breathe out abuse, Breathe in healing.