How do you put on Mascara while you are crying?

My dear friend texted me during a terrible period in her life. She said, “How do you put on mascara while you are crying?” It made me chuckle at the visual of someone trying to do this most difficult task. But there is something deeper to this task. Something we all strive to do when we are struggling with difficult times. To look like nothing is wrong and we are fine. Why do we all feel this need to be fine all the time? Like showing our pain is weak or wrong is some way? Who made us all think it was wrong or shameful?

It breaks my heart that so many of us walk around in so much pain and feel this unspoken law of carrying it all by our broken selves. Some days I just want to wear a t-shirt saying that I am broken and it is okay. Like that wonderful new song from the movie Ugly Dolls, Broken and Beautiful sung by the amazingly gorgeous Kelly Clarkson and Janelle Monae. I have played it so loud and sang even louder to it. It is like the power of mascara. I may be broken but don’t my eyes look beautiful today? I want to take that song and plant in my soul and let it take deep roots so that no one can make it move out of its place. I want to believe with every fiber of my being that I am broken but I am still beautiful. Those days when I am crying so hard from the pain inflicted by my toxic marriage and now toxic divorce, I can’t put on mascara. Without mascara, I feel like I look like the hell I feel inside. Crazy how a song or something as simple as mascara can make us feel better. Can make us believe that we will be okay for that day.

I believe in acting as if till you feel it deep into your soul as truth. I act as if I am okay some days because I can’t deal with my non-mascara eyes to the public. Then some days I have learned I let my brokenness show because I know I am still beautiful without mascara to hide the tears. We can all be broken and be okay with it. I have learned to not hold it in so tightly that it suffocates me. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Breathe in the good and Breathe out the bad. Breathe in your beauty and breathe out your doubt. Breathe in your strength and breathe out your fears. Breathe in you as you are and breathe out who they want you to be.

2 thoughts on “How do you put on Mascara while you are crying?

  1. I think toxic positivity pervades every corner of our society. Even if you understandably have every reason to be broken, people around you begin telling you to shut up about it when they decide they’re sick of hearing it. At least, on my case, this is why I always tried to seem strong, to avoid the criticisms and anger from people who don’t really seem to care much if someone else is suffering. That said, I agree with everything you said in this post as well. I think processing our pain is absolutely necessary to heal, & others need to stop trying to control things that have very little, if anything at all, to do with them.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. This is such a difficult reality that so many of us face. Narcissistic abuse and ptsd can take so long to unravel and understand. I have come to the realization that being true to who we are is so important in healing. I too have felt that I needed to be this super strong woman and yet I really wasn’t. I am learning day by day to find MY strength not the the strength that I perceive the world to expect of me. And if I don’t have mascara on because I am crying. Then that bare brokenness can be beautiful too. It is a self-discovery of our inner balance of acceptance. I am thankful for your beautiful brokenness too. I have read some of your posts and find the essential reminders of healing in your honest words.

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