Why I am here?

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.


Peace comes from breathing out the bad and breathing in the good. People can try to take our peace, our love, our happiness and so much more from us. We must hold on to our hearts and minds every day, one day at a time.

Please, join me on this journey of discovering how to handle the rough seas and enjoy the sunsets on every horizon.


I am not a therapist or licensed professional. I am a warrior of my own life and my heart. I am conquering the demons of others that attempt to take me down. I have experienced the good and the bad in life and used it to learn about taking on the battle over the next hill.

I will not give guidance or tell anyone how to live or what to do. I am just a friend and supporter in recovery who shares her stories of strength, hope and faith. I have these people in my life who have reminded me how to stand when I was lying on the floor. We all need friends and support when dealing with the demons of addiction, narcissism, personality disorders and abuse. I read any amazing quote on Pinterest, “Sometimes angels are just ordinary people that help us believe in miracles again.” I believe my friends and support are angels sent to help me when it is too dark to see a way out.

Just please, do not use this as a substitution for professional help or support groups. They are so important for your recovery to get all the help necessary to heal the wounds left by someone else.

If a loved one or you is in need of treatment for an addiction, contact SAMHSA Substance and Mental Health Services Administration for guidance on finding the right help. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

If someone is abusing you, please get help immediately. It is never okay for anyone to physically or mentally hurt you. Contact National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit at www.thehotline.org

I love sunsets. They remind me that I have survived another hard day or I have enjoyed another great day, whichever way I can look at it in that moment of glorious color. Sunsets make us stop and look for the beauty in every day. It is there and waiting to show us gratitude, hope, strength, faith and love. Remember, tomorrow is always another day to start over and do better and feel better. God bless you on this journey of self-forgiveness and healing from the trauma that has brought you here. We can always start over from where we stand at this moment, we don’t have to wait for a sunrise.

What is Love?

Last night was a good night and a tough night. I had success in finding a movie that I had not seen and my daughter wanted to watch. This is not as easy as one would think with so many options at our fingertips these days. We surfed through Hulu, Netflix and Prime to finally find a winner…”Letters to Juliet”. I knew she would agree when I said it was based on Romeo and Juliet. She likes the twists and turns in an on screen romance. She watches tv shows more than once, even the ones with 16 seasons. She gets emotionally involved in the characters and stories. I understand her. I have done this with so many movies and tv shows. I have loved watching movies and tv since I was young. This world of characters called me into acting and production for part of my life. No, I am not an actress now. I would have been great but never got that chance to show the world what I had in me. I learned so much from that screen filled with stories of love, pain and strength. I have been brought to tears from someone I have never met and anger for someone who really didn’t do anything. I have also been brought to a place of deep questions for my own life. Last night was one of those nights. This movie made me reflect on, “What is love?” I mean real, deep love for another person unrelated to you.

The main character, Sophie, with a distracted fiancé on one side and realist pessimist on the other, contemplates what love is to her. Interesting combination of two men in a movie to make a girl think about her heart. Is love having someone who shares your level of passion for work, even to the point of making it a priority over you? Is love balancing the pessimist and the optimist (the opposites attract theory) into a solid middle ground where a foundation of love is created? What is love? What does it look like? What does it feel like? How do you know it when it arrives? Hollywood is always trying to answer this and make us feel what love is. But after years and years and years of watching that screen, I know that they answer it but I don’t know for myself.

As I fell asleep last night, a sad realization covered me like the heaviest of weighted blankets. This one was not soothing like it should be when an understanding enlightens the darkness. I have no idea what love like this really does feel or look like. I know what it is to fall in love the moment you see your baby for the first time. The moment they grab your hand and look up like they are safe and happy. The moment they come to you with a heavy heart and embrace you for comfort and you would do anything for them. You would take every ounce of pain so that they never have to feel it again. I love my children so much that I would never hesitate to sacrifice my life for them. I know this love as a parent. What about love like falling in love with a partner, a soulmate, a significant other, a spouse? The heavy realization was that I have never really been in love like this. I have never felt this kind of love. I have never seen this kind of life in a man towards me. What does that safety and warmth look like and what would it do make sure you knew it was there?

My relationships when I was young were not love they were what I think of as “young love”. I was too young to really understand what it all meant and was and could be. I wanted to believe in love and destiny and all that was in the movies. Then I was in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be in and met a guy who was not what I was looking for in my new 30s. It was destiny that I was there. It was destiny that we met. Right? I wanted to believe this despite all of the red flags popping up from the start. I wanted to believe in love, truly destined love. But I never stopped to really think or dive into my head and heart, I just let the Hollywood-like story play out. Looking back now I wasn’t in love, really in love. In the movie, Sophie talked about realizing that she wasn’t in love with her fiancé because she wasn’t upset when they were apart; she didn’t miss him like she should. When the pessimist started to warm up when he saw the long lost love reunion of his grandmother in action, Sophie felt his warmth reach her soul. She understood his transformation because she was transforming too. They were coming to the understanding of love together. That is where love starts…that understanding of personal transformation together. She missed not seeing him, hearing him or being near him. She knew she had to end her engagement and tell the other guy of her love.

That is what I have not experienced in my life. That feeling that your life is missing a piece without that person. I was hit by many rough and heavy bricks laying in bed last night alone. Here they are. I saw that I didn’t miss him when we were apart. Even when we were constantly together and I had to work in France for three weeks, I strongly debated with myself about permanently returning to France. It is all I had ever wanted to do. My opportunity was so close now. Upon returning to the States, it should have been like a movie and that great definitive moment upon seeing him that I knew to choose him. Not so. He didn’t even pick me up at the airport after all this time and saying how much he missed me. He sent a car service. How unromantic and unfulfilling, so why did I not see that he was not truly in love with me then? You truly love and miss someone and decide you can’t lose them, you don’t send a car service. Maybe that is what I needed a grand gesture to make me trust love, to trust his love. This guy in the movie crawled up a wall of vines to be closer to her when he professed his unspoken love for Sophie. That is a grand gesture. I had been empty of anyone showing that in any way and still was. Maybe I needed to see love in order to let mine free. This is how it went in marriage for us. No grand gestures of love instead grand gestures of betrayal. So when we were apart, I didn’t miss him in love but worried in pain of more betrayals. Love couldn’t grow in that setting. Love needs love to grow. Someone needs to be missed in order to miss. Understanding each other leads to the transformation of love. I tried to understand him with every ounce of my mind and heart. I really did. But it is hard to understand a chameleon. It is hard to feel safe and have love grow in an inconsistent world.

It is more than just missing someone though. It is a feeling deep into your toes. You see on people’s faces who are deeply in love. It is like that person makes them feel so blessed, secure and seen that they glow. How do they get this right in movies so often? I have never felt this either. I never felt so calm because of love creating a secure place. I often felt like my husband looked right through me and I didn’t really exist. His hand and his embrace stopped giving me that sense of safety and warmth that it did occasionally in the beginning of our story. I never felt that lava seep down from a kiss into my toes like I had finally arrived at home instead of just a night of passion. Even on my wedding day, that excitement and warmth of walking down the aisle towards a man that felt like the place where you belonged to be, was not there. I wanted to feel that. I hoped to feel that. I did have that feeling of loving him and wanting to spend my life with him. I promised and committed my life and growing in love on that day. I kept that promise and worked on growing in love and never was disloyal to him. But now I am not sure why I felt that way. I had not had that moment of truly knowing for sure that love was our understanding. I had not had that warmth of security flow through my veins into my heart and make me feel that transformation for us. I didn’t hold his hand and never want to let it go. I forgave him over and over and tried harder than I think most would have tried. I wanted to make it work because I didn’t want to fail for my children’s sake. I wanted them to see loving parents as I had seen. But I am very rare in that aspect even then. I decided it was worse for me to stay and teach my children that love is how much pain you can tolerate. Now I cannot even remember him or us as part of my life because he never put himself in it or made love grow. How can you love someone who isn’t really there?

I do want to feel that deep love for someone and from someone. To feel that security in the simplicity of holding hands and being embraced. To feel the lava of a kiss solidify deep into your toes and stay beyond the initial passion. To feel that desire to see the face or hear the voice when you are apart. I think my marriage was doomed from the start because my desire to deeply love was never given the opportunity to grow. Acid doesn’t make a plant grow. And lies, secrets, manipulations and false professions do not make love grow. I wish I had felt that deep love grow after we first met. Maybe someday someone will climb a wall of vines to make sure I understand that we share a transformation of understanding our love and I will feel that warmth, security and genuine passion throughout my entire body and mind. Not every story ends with true love’s kiss. That is okay. My story is continuing with self-love, strength and an acceptance and understanding of being on my own and working towards my goals again. I allowed someone to steal my understanding of what love is to me, but I will never do that again. I am worth more than that. Love is worth more than that. Here’s to finding love like the movies. Keep watching and learning and asking the deep questions of life so you can grow into the person that you are meant to be…happy and loving yourself.

Breathe Out Questions, Breathe In Understanding. Breathe Out Failures, Breathe In Moving On. Breathe Out Staying in Pain, Breathe In Letting Go Towards Self-Love. Breathe Out False Love of Others, Breathe In Deep Love of Self. Breathe Out Being Alone, Breathe In Being Whole.

Lost Energy

Ever have that sinking feeling like you are falling into darkness but it isn’t really that dark? There is light around highlighting the things you cannot seem to grasp? There is this pressure on your brain and heart? You feel paralyzed but seem to be running somewhere at the same time? Your heart is beating so fast but yet you feel numb? You feel like you should cry but there are no tears? You breathe heavy deep breaths that have undertones of slight laughter? Then when it is all over, you sit there like you just woke up from a bad dream that you only remember bits and pieces of in the haze? This is my anxiety “moments”… not attacks to me. They are moments when life is just so big and heavy and it stops you to show you that you need to unload something, anything. The plug in your toe has been pulled and the energy goes rushing out into the gutters of fear and confusion.

We all suffer from overload at times. It is different for everyone. Life is different for everyone. I think this is what is so difficult with life. We really are mapping it out all alone. No one knows our hearts and minds. No one knows our fears and worries. No one knows our pain and suffering. No one knows our hopes and dreams. There is no other human that has lived what we have lived or felt what we have felt exactly like we have. BUT that does not mean that they cannot help us or offer us a supporting hand of love and compassion. I have always believed in the theory that I never know what someone is going through, so treat all with kindness as it might just make a difference in a large way. I would want that always. So I should give that always. Not always easy when I am zapped and feel such a load on my own back. A load that feels as if it is pinching and cutting me with every move and decision. I just want to always be the best version of myself. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes life is too heavy and my energy is lost in the vast darkness of confusion and pain. My one bar remaining is almost gone from sight.

In these times it is so hard to know where to go and what to do so the winds of hope fill me up again. I have learned that turning to God is the only way lately. Like the first three steps say…”I can’t. He can. So I will let Him.” Powerful statement and guidance from someone who needed God at the bottom of his pit. God was the ladder that took him to the light. Was it always easy peasy? No. Was it always light and peace? No. But was it worth it? Yes. So tough for me and for so many out there to let go of the thing that are making us “lose” our energy. So hard to let go of anger, resentments, pain, grief, fear, confusion or even people. Letting go and letting God is the only answer to restore us to full bars again. It is the only answer to real laughter and smiles and love again. I can’t answer why at times I allow the pain and confusion and fear to drain my bars. If I knew why I felt so compelled to find answers to the unanswerable questions in life, then I think that I would always at one bar and never fall below. With God, I don’t need the answers anymore. I just need to believe in the solutions now. I need to see the truth of the reality that is living around me. The truth is never scary because there is nothing lurking in its shadows. The truth is all light and freedom. Light and freedom fuel our energy to grow and change and desire the good things instead of allowing the weights of darkness to hold us down.

This was a heavy purge for me today. I hide behind so much that I hate for people to see my darkness and pain and how weak I am at times. Never want anyone to see how weak I feel lately with so much lost energy on the things that do not deserve my energy. Thank you for listening and accepting me for me…the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pain and the happiness, the strengths and the weaknesses. I accept you too. I hear your hearts too. I embrace you with the kind of love only someone who wants to understand and help can embrace you with – an embrace that wants to put back all those loose pieces. We all have different journeys and different recoveries from the pains and darknesses that life has given us and the beauty is that we do not have to understand fully, but we just have to accept one another for it. Feeling alone too much is draining and overwhelming. The depression and anger is too great to carry on most days. There was a post recently on Instagram that had four pictures of four smiling celebrities. Under the photos it said, “Check on your happy friends.” They were four celebrities who committed suicide but were always happy to the world. Never feel that alone or that lost or that misunderstood. God is always with you. You may not be able to do it, BUT He can. So let Him. And those of us who have lived with the pains of life from abuse to addictions to extreme grief, we will hold your hand and hearts in love and acceptance even if you can’t stand up today. I will lay on the floor with you because I know some days, it would be the greatest feeling having someone who just laid next to me on the floor and held me so tight that the pieces fit together again. Energy lost is hard but you can get off the floor, recover and dance again.

Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Extreme Light. Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Acceptance. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe In Truth. Breathe Out Self-Judgments, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Gratitudes. Breathe Out Low Energy, Breath In Dancing in the Rain.

Some Days

Little mind filled with movies




Strong women


Happy endings 

Growing up with different scenes

Last picked 

Never picked 

Sometimes picked 

Should have been picked 


Desire difference 

Darkness of one can change so much

Lights go out 

Scenes not seen

Pain just felt 

Awful sounds heard but who said it

Ending never seems to come

Happy ending never 

Just confused 

Desiring difference 

Reaching for light switch

It’s on now to see 

Destruction and chaos show 

Like war movie rubble

Pain of anger and fighting

Innocent hurt and crying 

Many confused 

Many desiring difference 

Need to heal 

Need to change the scene 

Important to change 

Music finally plays again

Good music plays again

Starting to breathe from tension 

People are moving on 

Credits end

Less confused 

Still desire change 

…but the light is on for new story to begin

What is Going On with Me?

I finally got the divorced papers signed. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like an eternity. I anticipated this day so many times over this past year. Imagined the feeling of looking like a before and after of extreme weight loss. Like I would feel so much lighter and better. But I do and I don’t. I feel like it should be better. Maybe because I didn’t get that theatrical moment when my attorney slammed his attorney to get me the best settlement and make him pay for hurting me so badly. Like the attorney was the long arm of consequences for his terrible abuse of lies, secrets, manipulations, betrayals and gaslighting. Does that ever happen in real life? Where you feel like everything you had to endure was recognized and you feel validated and compensated? Like that great attorney in movies and TV who finds that one piece of evidence to make you feel like you can walk away with your head held high and proud that you did it right all along. I haven’t heard of that yet. I have heard too many stories where the dark souled spouse comes out on top. It’s like if they rewarded Madoff with house arrest in his two favorite mansions and could still fly back and forth on his private luxury jet. Like why do bad people get rewards? It all seems very hard to embrace that some people will walk with what they want no matter who they are and how they act. Don’t get it at all. Call me strange but I do still believe in justice for all. I love the idea everyone gets what they deserve. I deserve love, loyalty and acceptance but it never seems to happen. If I ever find someone to do this, I will cherish him everyday. This has brought me gratitude for so much. It has also brought me lack of trust in the process of relationships and the ending of them.
But I still don’t understand my feelings. Kind of outer body thing going on. Looking at what I am going through over the years and not fully believing this is my life now. I will come to terms with it and will pray that justice is served to everyone. I have to believe in karma and the hand of it always reaches to everyone, either with good or bad consequences. So if he hurt me so badly for so many years with so many women and so many cruel intentions through lies and secrets, why does it make it harder to accept even though I know that he is severe narcissistic personality who will never change and never was who he pretended to be? Loaded question, huh? Yeh, I am pretty heavy in spirit after watching this evil fog cover the world I thought I knew. Sorry but mixed emotions are not a good cocktail for fun. Don’t get me wrong. I do not love him anymore at all. I never want him back in my life ever again in any capacity. Seeing him and knowing who he really is just disgusts me to the deepest part of my heart. My heart actually shrinks back when it sees him or hears his fake voice filled with constant lies and manipulations to so many people. I am mixed because part of me is so sad at the dream of a family with someone to share it with but I know and am continually grateful for my children who help me find hope, love and courage every day. Just accepting my new normal as a single mom, like accepting that masks and temperatures are the new normal for our society. Adjustments and emotions often butt heads and have difficulty finding common footing to stand strong. I will be strong again and am getter stronger every day. I finally moved out of the home I raised my children in and created memories of holidays and adventures with them there. Sadly, it was not possible to stay and continue this lifeline. Too many factors stole us of this opportunity to continue growing there. Now we are closer to family who wants to be with us and guide us through this process of healing and growth towards lighter days and comfort in progress. I am so grateful I have this now, for them and for me. I will survive. We will survive. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I am entering into the Mrs. Universe body building contest next year if this is true. (Well, not really but feel like I should be able to win or at least place at this point.).
No one likes carry a bag of mixed emotions over her wary shoulders but sometimes we have to so that we reach the destination meant for your souls to find happiness, love and peace. I will embrace my emotions one by one and work on getting them to leave rather than stay once I understand and deal with them.

just breathe in and out with good deep breathes. In and out. ♥️ It will be okay. You will be okay. You will be better than okay soon enough. You are loved and appreciated by me at this very moment. ♥️

Waves of Change

The sun is warm to the skin and the breeze is gentle enough to maintain the constant coolness of comfort. The waves are softly rolling unto the shore with every passing boat. Waves are beautiful to look at and to listen to while the sun dances on the surface behind them. Waves are the sound of constant change in the water and the shoreline. When the winds are extremely calm there are silent waves but the storms create crashing waves that alter every sand in reach of its power.

Our lives are full of waves. Waves that allow us to wade into the water and enjoy the peace and stillness with a calm spirit. Waves that flow with such force and move us unto to a different part of the beach. Our waves are produced by the world around us and within us. The light breeze of getting a better job and stepping into calmer more soothing waters. The torrent winds of living with an active addict that crash us into the shore and leave us exhausted from fighting the riptides of chaos. The storm clouds creating larger waves that push us down the beach unto new sands that offer us a different perspective on our life. Change can be so good when we are stagnant from fears of changing or drowning in the pain of someone’s else actions towards us. Living with a narcissist, sociopath, borderline personality disorder or addict that is not willing to address his/her issues and doesn’t want to change for himself and his/her loved ones is the most exhausting life of treading water in a sea of ever changing levels and force. I know that I am looking forward to change of a new start at a new life where I am not treading the deep and dark stormy waters of his painful actions and words trying to drown me. I have been fighting these waters for 18 years now and I am done and am so excited to swim up to a new beach with softer sands and calmer waves.

Waves of change can be managed in different ways. They can be fought until near deadly exhaustion consumes your soul. Or they can be ridden to a new place where only healing and recovery welcome you on the shore. I choose the latter of these. My arms, legs, heart and mind are exhausted from the first option. I am worth more than the first option. I don’t deserve to be held under the waves only to be let up for enough oxygen to keep my alive. I deserve to feel the sun’s loving warmth wrap around my skin and reach into my soul. I deserve to feel the safety of the soft sand on my feet as I walk towards a new sunset promising a better day when I wake. I deserve love, happiness, respect and honesty. I ride the wave away from the painful man trying to drown me and towards a new life in a better place. A place where I can provide safety, security and healing for me and my children.

Remember sometimes we cannot ride these waves alone and we need friends and family to encourage us away from the near death every day. These dark souls make us believe that we are not worth anything but the storm. Healing is a process when dealing with the PTSD of abuse from someone who sick. It is not a short ride but it is an important ride. Reach out for help. Reach out to those who love you and want you to be better and alive. Pray for help. God, your friends and your family do not want to see you go below the surface. They want to see you on the shore with them; they want to see you to celebrate life because they know that you are worth it. Believe them. Be gentle as you may be so used to treading waters and swimming away will not always be easy. Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth. Believe in a better life.

Breathe Out Deep, Dark Water, Breathe In Warm Sun. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Comfort. Breathe Out Others Pain, Breathe In Your Healing. Breathe Out Exhaustion, Breathe In Rest.

Pressure Points of Emotion

We all have them…pressure points that when pushed, we respond with certain emotions. Some people cry over Hallmark commercials when that little hand surprises a grandmother with a card for her birthday. Some people cry when they are in fear of the girl entering the dark house alone in a horror movie. Some people laugh when the girl is entering the dark house alone in the horror movie. Some people get so mad that are called to act about injustices on the news that are not in their towns. Some people get so depressed about injustices on the news. We all react differently in situations, but we all will react according to the pressure put on certain prominent emotions that surface for us based our experiences…Pressure Points of Emotion! Acupuncture but with sharp needles pushing on our brain and heart.

I realized that my pressure points are so highly sensitive lately. It definitely doesn’t take a sharp point to make them react. My most sensitive pressure point lately is anger and frustration. And when going through the highly sensitive field of divorce that is covered by various landmines, I have been pushed with his words and actions sometimes to the brink of insanity. Sometimes the burning sense of anger for the lack of empathy and understanding for what he has put me through is overwhelming. In times like this it is hard to find that space of calm and peace where you can gain the clarity and sanity required to breathe in and out until calmness returns to your inner being. I try to have a mantra, a prayer, a vision or a place to go to when this happens. Why is it so hard to grasp that at times of extreme pressure? Like I cannot see clearly from the instant fog covering all directions to safety. I am sure you know that feeling of confusion and standing alone if you have been through heartbreak of any kind. Or if you are like me, you have that one person who knows exactly where those pressure points are and pushes them so easily. I feel like he pushes them because he likes the reactions from me. He likes to see me twitch with emotions and uncomfortableness. I have read that narcissistic people get to know you well so that they know where to push you. I am feeling this way lately.

So what do you do during these times when tears come for no reason? There is no Hallmark commercial or sad movie on TV to make you cry. There is no horror movie making you scream in fear. But there is a situation happening in your own lives that triggers one or more emotions. The true insanity comes when they trigger them together…sadness and anger is the worst combination. I feel torn between crying and screaming. And then I tend to do both. Yelling while tears are flowing down my face unto my shirt. I am eventually drenched in tears of sadness and sweat of painful hot anger. Either way, I am not comfortable or healing in peace. I just want peace and comfort over these emotions. I don’t want to become consumed by these. I become someone whom I do not want to be in that moment. I don’t do well in conflict and anger. Sadly, these days in this divorce, he has me on a roller coaster of extreme emotions where I am so nauseous and just want to stop this ride and get out of the park. This ride is fueled by anger and sadness. This too shall pass right?

I need to understand my pressure points and what activates them and their reactions so that I do not react quickly or become someone that I do want to become in tense situations. This is not an easy task when flooded by emotional storms that start drowning your heart and mind. I am going to take deep breathes and think before I speak or react from now on, especially when he tries to push those points leading to anger, pain and tears. It will help me get through that turbulence and not into a new storm because of my emotions. I can create my own storms too. I have to remember this. Always remember this. I have been consumed by pain and emotions lately to the point that I cannot hear my own words sometimes and cannot see how my anger hurts my own soul. Staying in bed isn’t solving my problems. Yelling isn’t solving anything. Talking out of turn isn’t solving anything. I need to see the solutions like the lighthouse guiding me in the fog, instead of letting the fog consume me into fear, anger and sadness. We can all do this if we focus inward and pray very hard. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can and The wisdom to know the difference.” This should release those sharp needles pushing on the our pain and fears.

Breathe Out Anger, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Fear, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Irritation, Breathe In Peace. Breathe Out Tears & Sadness, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out The Heaviness, Breathe In Peace & Calm.

Emotional Drought? We Need to Carry Love On

Love has taken on a entirely new form it seems. It lost its honest soul that motivates people to do good for good and be the light inside of the darkness. To stand up for a cause in the right way. To show support without aggression. To speak the truth without yelling. To embrace another without expectations. To simply love without strings or judgements. To not abuse someone who offers you love and support. When did love become such a shadow hiding in every day life? Maybe it always has been this way, but I am just now starting to understand it and really see it and feel it deep within my heart. Maybe it is the path my life is on at this time and love is harder to see through the many shadows around me.

Have you ever felt that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, that is how I am feeling lately for so many reasons. I have spent the past 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage where I did everything to make this narcissistic addict love me, see me and want to be with me. I allowed him to make me believe that I would never be enough, that there was something wrong with me. He did leave visible bruises with his fists of anger but he made my spirit and heart bleed with lies, secrets and manipulations of anger towards my love for him and us. I even reached out my severely weak hand to lift him up during his drug use. I loved enough to see him and the big picture than just myself. Living this way drains the energy from a soul. This drains the pools of love because you give and give from your resevoir but do not receive more to fill it back up in return. It is an emotional drought of your soul. You drain the tank and just run on empty for years. Eventually, you can no longer sustain yourself, you heart, your mind, your spirit running on nothing, not even fumes. However depleted I became, I am proud that I can love this way and still can even after being so beaten for my love. I can carry love on.

Coronavirus brought fear and people doing all they could to protect themselves and those that they love. But it was so sad to me that it grew anger and blame for other countries and governments. It brought out protests for what people saw as their right to choose a mask or not. A simple mask could save a life. Maybe your life. Maybe your loved one’s life. Maybe one of the worker’s who is saving lives. Simple mask showed love for others and yourself. This virus brought out people hoarding simple items that could save lives of those working to save lives. All for economic gain of themselves? Is money more important than a human life? There was definitely so many good acts and such positivity spread by the medical workers and people spending hard earned money to help others. The picture that stands in my mind is this one nurse in a mask standing up to a mass of protesters without masks. Such love in one person to stand up and show how simple love for each other can be displayed. What was she doing wrong? Her job to save lives of everyone, even that protester? Her own life was on the line to save more. That is love from the deepest place of a heart. Saving others at the expense of yourself. Why can’t love rule and we stand together? It hurts my soul that there is a sea of aggression and darkness trying to push love away. But we can carry love on.

Now these protests. These protests. So much aggression and darkness abounds behind the fires and broken glass. Where is the love for George and the others who have wrongfully died. These acts are not love for these victims. Stealing a new pair of Nikes from a store is not love. Shooting a cop in the head to show that you protest this is not love for George. Ruining the lives on innocent business owners just trying to survive after the shutdown, this is not love for George. Why is it so much easier to fuel hatred than it is to fuel love? Why can’t everyone in this world stand in unison, in silence, dressed in all black to mourn the loss of love and acceptance and working together to make this world a better place to live? Why can’t these protests mimic the cities where cops and civilians walk hand in hand in love and solidarity to create a consciousness of positive change. That would be love growing out of pain. That would be love dominating the new movement towards a better tomorrow. We can carry love on.

Today, I am feeling that this darkness over the world is the saddest weight laying on my soul. When did we get so lost in ourselves? When did we get so lost in the true meaning of “love one another” that we were taught as children? People are so ego driven with aggressive tones of wanting what they feel is best for themselves without the big picture coming into their view. From the narcissist in my life doing what pleases only him regardless of the bleeding souls on his path to the protesters losing site of the reasons behind what they are doing for a change towards the better, we are living in a world where love seems to be hiding in the shadows because it was put there. We are living in an emotional drought of love and acceptance. We are all in different places in our lives and affected by these places in different ways. Some are living in love and are here to help it grow again by spreading their rich supply from their souls. Others are so dehydrated by the missing positivity that they need love and to feel love again. We can love ourselves first and foremost to make sure that it never dies. But rememberer that loving yourself is not about an ego or self-advancement at the cost of others. Loving yourself actually helps you love others better. Can we all just love without the pain that grows from ignorance, selfishness and hatred? We can learn from pain, even the pain we may have caused in the past. Learn from it and grow into a loving and accepting soul. We are all made from the same dirt and start life in the same way. So why do we fight each other? I pray that God embraces us and guides us to a better tomorrow where we can grab the hand of a neighbor and hold it tightly until the love starts to grow again and diminishes the darkness hanging over this world. We can carry love on.

Breathe Out Hatred, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Violence, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Impulsive Aggression, Breathe In Love. Breathe Out Emotional Drought, Breathe in Love. Breathe Out Darkness, Breathe In Love.

What is the True Story of Divorce?

Every movie, every tv show, every book has such a similar plot of what divorce looks like. Well, what we wish divorce looked like in the real world. I am really wondering why and how they keep writing the same story over and over again. Where are the real stories? The stories of panic attacks from fearing severe money issues because the narcissistic man is playing dark, threatening games over the thick stack of papers to determine your future. Or the crying yourself to sleep when you don’t want to stay awake and feel the blood dripping from the stab wounds of betrayal after betrayal rising to the service every day. The truth and the reality are so tough to go through so I imagine it is harder to show it on the big screen or in print. No one wants to read about or see the dim depressed characters that draw the real picture that is divorce. Do they?

I find the truth inspiring. I find the truth empowering to conquer the pain of it all. The pain of moving on and acceptance of what was, what is and what will be. If we show the truth, then more people will not feel so alone in the uphill journey to see an unobstructed, glowing sunset promising a better tomorrow. So what is the truth of divorce from my line of sight? Well, I know it is not everyone’s story. Everyone has his/her own story of what life looks like, especially after heartbreak. But mine is not a rom-com with some hunk chasing me to take my blues away and make my pain disappear in his bulging muscles all the while making my ex completely jealous so I feel better about what he did to me soooo many times. That would be awesome if that was the picture right now. I would love to shove how great I am back in my ex’s face and make him think again about what he did to me. Reality check. He won’t ever see this though. Not because there is no hunk waiting to wrap me in his muscles but because he is a narcissist who cannot see remorse or regret for losing me like a normal person could. I have to always remember this. Maybe the next divorce show or movie should be about the pain of living with and divorcing a narcissistic addict and trying to co-parent with him. This might end up in the horror/suspense genre.

I have been watching so many tv shows and movies that have these women left in a heap on the cold bathroom floor, but wait it only lasts for a scene then it’s excitement of singlehood taking over. These women in their 40’s are attracting younger men. I mean really like standing at a bar in a sea of beautiful people and the young guy looks at this older woman and wants her? Or they are on Tinder and having the time of their lives? They can move from bed to bed and it doesn’t emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically affect them in any way? Somehow the kids’ adjustments takes a very short time and they are not asking hard questions to which there are no good unharming answers? When does this happen in the real world? Does this happen in the real world? Not in my real world. I don’t have anyone asking for my number (granted I live in a small area and there are not many places to go). I am scared of dating apps. To be honest I feel it is a scream of desperation and dance for the younger crowds. My own children have asked me not to date yet. They saw how he allowed women to take their places after the separation. They were definitely not the priority that they hoped to be with him. That’s the story on my marriage. Women and friends were always more important. More worthy of his time and affection. We were just here if he needed us. He left his family behind so easily for the truly single bachelor life and never looked back in regret.

Heartbreak doesn’t easily heal within a few weeks so that you can suddenly move on and trust again. There are no men out there waiting to swoop in from a barstool and make me feel like my heart was never demolished from endless cheating and emotional abuse for too many years. If they are out there looking for me then I am living in the wrong story. I just have such severe trust issues from all the endless amounts of lies, secrets and manipulations. I don’t even think I would believe someone who complimented my looks or my soul. I have been ripped down so far with words and actions telling me and making me feel that I am not worth much. He has me so brainwashed that I am not someone who would get a right swipe. That I am not beautiful enough. That I am not the type of woman someone wants for a date or wants to stay with. What has this awful man done to me? How did I get here? Why can’t they show this side of the journey? The endless days and nights of feeling such intense pain that you think your body is going to explode. The days when you discover that your husband has been living many lives during your marriage and you don’t know what to do or which one you are. Or the questionable moments when you are scared that you made the wrong choices in the divorce and are going to end up in that bad financial place that never seemed possible. That you can’t trust anyone, even your lawyer. These are real. These are the realities of divorcing a narcissistic addict. Whether he is sober or not the narcissistic piece is always turned on and ready for a demeaning battle to stab you one more time. The stabs are never enough to kill, but just enough to scar with longterm pain.

I would love to walk into a bar and feel like someone really sees me. Someone would really want me. Not just for a quick one night stand or for games, that sounds awful and more damaging right now. But really want me as I am. No filters. No highlights. Just me and my baggage. Someone who would want to help me drop my baggage and show me love really does exist and narcissists and sociopaths do not rule this real world that I live in every day.

I am sending out to all the movie and television productions to show a reality of narcissistic abuse and the damage and fears that it creates in the victims. There are no bruises to show what we are going through in marriage or in divorce. We put on a smile and dress up to hide the pain. We put it all on to look good and feel good again. We forgot how to feel good. We were told that we were nothing and didn’t deserve to feel good. We sadly started to believe this too. Now we just want to feel good. To feel beautiful. To feel like we are healing finally. We want peace and happiness. We deserve this all. We so deserve this all. We want to make our exes look at us with regret and sadness for what they did and didn’t do (this we will never get though, not with a narcissist or sociopath on the other side of the table). We want to feel normal again, that’s it. I would love to see what this looks like on the big screen. Someday maybe. Maybe I will have to write it and share it with the world so we can feel normal in all our pain, sadness, grief and desire to heal first before anything. Although it would be nice to do this in the bulging muscles of some hunk…I have never felt that in my life so I would like to feel it once. wink, wink.

Breathe Out Pretending, Breathe In Realities. Breathe Out Low-Esteem, Breathe In Confidence. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Adventures. Breathe Out Crying, Breathe in Laughing Again. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Wholeness.

Is the “Devil in Disguise” Really That Far-Fetched?

I have been watching the Netflix show “Lucifer” with my son during this stay at home quarantine. We are on season 4 already but we have been watching a few shows at the same time. The show drew me in immediately. I laughed and cringed and carried a crush for Lucifer Morningstar. I mean he is very handsome, tall, confident, charming, smart, extrovert, a bad boy, an entertainer and can seem caring for some of the characters. Wow! Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Well, you get it right? He is too good to be true from that initial introduction. Yes, he is too good to be true. Ultimately, he is the devil in a human body to cover that scary face that he never wants regular people to see. He hides it. He only uses the red eyes and devil face when he needs someone to cooperate with his investigation. Sound familiar?

Well, it is familiar. To me it is familiar. I didn’t see the not so invisible thread from this entire show before but I do now. He is the embodiment of narcissism. The greatest definition of a narcissist is “The Devil in Disguise. ” I used to always think of my husband as the living version of Jekyll and Hyde. The same person and the only thing they had in common is the “y” but add a few different letters and it is a new person. The narcissist wants us to believe that he is this amazing, caring, compassionate and honest good person. We do believe it too. We believe it so much that we defend him at every chance. We get so deep into his swamp’s quicksand pool that we can’t get out. We start to settle in to this confining, painful life full of lies and secrets with him. We are brainwashed to believe that WE are the majority of the problems. We are made to believe that we didn’t love him the way he should be loved because he believes that we should give love to the highest power even when we are receiving the lowest amounts. We didn’t treat him the way he thinks he should be treated for being the great person that he is in his mind. We questioned our doubts and angered the narcissist and this was unfair to him to be questioned about anything. We didn’t give him the attention that his wonderful, occasional actions deserved but really it s that he requires the attention to keep his ego fueled every day. I was even told that it was my fault that he cheated. No, not his own choices to break our vows and our marriage, AND my heart. Once it was because I had to take care of two very sick small children. At times, I slept holding the newborn to make sure that she was still breathing or slept on the bathroom floor with an alarm clock to run a steam shower every hour for them. Exhausted and worried, I still would gather myself together with hair done and makeup on to greet him when he came to bed at night. I made him special dinners after a long day of work. I tried to keep the house as clean as possible to no “over stress” him. (He said it would add to his anxiety and increase his need to use drugs again.) I basically walked on eggshells all day, every day to make him happy and want to stay. Still have no idea why I stayed. He wasn’t worth staying for. I had seen the mask slip and the red eyes flare and red charred skin peek through that human exterior. I had seen glimpses of the aggressively loud and abusive devil come through in glints. The blames thrown back at me made me take a pause and when I looked back up from the blow he placed on my heart and made me stop breathing for a second, the mask was fixed and the eyes were back to normal. It is so scary that we cannot register the feelings we have after it happens. We just try to breathe again with a normal in and out beat.

Businessinsider.com posted a great article, “Phrases to Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist.” The main problem is that you don’t know they are a narcissist until it is too late and you are too deep into the dark, vermin-ridden woods with them. They also discuss sociopaths in the article. I do believe that my experience was not only painted by a narcissist but decorated by his super strength level of sociopathic traits. Dr. Martha Stout wrote a book called “The Sociopath Next Door” and makes some profound points that hit me as harder as his harsh words have done. She says, “It’s like the ‘frog in the saucepan’ analogy.” You put a live frog in a warm water and it swims and enjoys the water until the heat is turned up slowly so that the frog dies slowly, never realizing it is being boiled to death. Yikes! At least the lobster screams in the hot water. How do they draw us into the pot though without us knowing. I mean we are smart, caring people. They ask all of the right questions to know where we are the weakest and what makes us and has made us hurt the most in life. They get to know our fears, our past heartbreak, our regrets, our likes and dislikes. They get to know all about us. Seems so nice to have someone so interested in us like they are. Lucifer stares at the potential bad guy and slowly asks in the nicest voice, “What is that you desire?” The answer to this is often used against them to solve the case and may put them in jail. Our hearts make us special and beautiful but they are the key to destroying us too (not to normal people they aren’t just dark souls). Narcissists and Sociopaths know this and are overly excited to get to know everything about us so that they can turn it all on us later. That is what gets us into that pot of warm soothing water in the first place…false charm and manipulated caring questions. I am glad that I found a way out of the pot before I boiled to death from the heat of this devil-like abuse.

In the show, Lucifer starts to feel the loving, caring feelings that it takes to make a real relationship work. I mean mutually work to benefit both people. But sadly, he is the devil and the feelings of selfishness, ego and pride still stand in the way of his growth. In the show, the characters keep reminding him that he was once an angel. We saw an angel when we first met these narcissistic, sociopathic, addicted souls too. They presented us with the angel version to lure us into the candy house only to shove us into the warm water and turn up the heat slowly over time.

I am not finished with the show, but I did leave it at a place where my heart is heavy with the imagery it paints for my own life. His wings are changing from angel to demon. I have seen that happening in my own life over the past years and even more now as we try to finish a very painful divorce that has been going on for over a year. It is like trying to talk to the “Devil in disguise” at times and everything is so confusing and hurtful. I read books about divorcing a narcissist. I wish I could say that they have helped me deal with it all. They did give me some useful pointers in dealing with him or speaking to him so as to not be lashed with his harsh words or cruel actions. If I am lashed, I am learning to not let it take me down. Like in the show, Lucifer cannot be killed except around the detective who he loves. Sound familiar again? The one you love can hurt you the most. Even kill you. I am learning to wear armor and protection when communicating or just seeing him. I don’t want to die from his illnesses. They are his burden to carry, not mine. They were never mine to carry. I tried to love him so much that he would drop the burdens and become the man I thought I had met and the man he said he wanted to be. That man who he pretended to be and said he wanted to be was just a fictional character and never existed. I gave my love for years and years to someone who threw it out like it was worthless trash. He has repeatedly shown me that he isn’t worth my love or my life. I deserve to have light not dark. To have happiness not sadness. To have laughter not tears. To have healing not regret. To have love not torture. To have goodness not evil. I deserve so much more than what a “Devil in disguise” can give me or my family. We deserve better than all that he has given us and continues to give us. YOU deserve more than all of this too. You are a beautiful, loving soul that is worth so much more than what they can offer you in life.

So if you get a chance to watch Lucifer, I recommend it. It is like a visual study of a narcissist’s brain and why we do fall for them in the beginning stages of their love bombing with lies, manipulations and masks of greatest to hide their true dark self. I still admit that Lucifer still has his attractive points but they are becoming less and less and now I just see the weak angry soul filled with all the qualities we run from in life. We have to pay attention to people and not jump into the pot of inviting water that they give us. If they are for real and have good souls worthy of our time and love, the water will be there but it will never be there to kill us like the narcissist, sociopath or addict wants to do.

Breathe Out Pain, Breathe In Strength. Breathe Out Lies, Breathe It Truths. Breathe Out Abuse, Breathe In Healing. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Peace In Being Alone. Breathe Out Fake People, Breathe In Real People. Breathe Out Being Conned, Breathe In Patience To Know Someone Well. Breathe Out Anger For Being Conned By The Narcissist, Breathe In Your Power To Love and Care (ESP For Yourself)

The Crystal Ball is Cracked!

Ever wish that you had that “magic crystal ball” so many people refer to when in doubt? I have always envisioned this ball about the size of gigantic disco ball hanging about the dance floor with the best music ever. My imagination always goes to glittery, sparkly moments…that’s the unicorn collecting child in me. Yes, I had many unicorns in my bright yellow room. My inner child is great! Off the track though, sorry. So yes, I wish that I had that ever-so-telling crystal ball about now. So many questions to ask. So much time at home to ask them.

Knowing the future, or even just a snippet of it, would be such a help. Such a relief from the worry and stress of not knowing what is around the sharp edged corners of these days. There is so much stress and worry when going through a divorce. It is even harder when you are dealing with someone who seems to suffer from Narcissistic and Pathological Lying Issues. This is when the crystal ball would shed some illuminating rainbow-hued light onto a very dark space and time. When divorcing in a scenario like this, it is so hard to know what is the reality and what is the hologram. I have held onto the hologram of lies and manipulations for so long that reality is like a foreign image to me. Now I desperately need reality to get my foundation back and start over on firmer ground. Sounds so easy. It did sound so easy. But it isn’t so easy. For me reality is fleeting lately. Will I go to a new setting with firmer foundation? Or will have to stay on the shaky ground of my existing home? Will this pandemic change the way things turn out? Will I find a job that can sustain family minus one (my ex is minus one if that wasn’t clear)? Will I ever feel the comfort in dating again? Will my children be settled enough to see me date again (they have asked me to hold off for some time as they are not ready for that)?

Where is that shiny ball when you need it? I would love answers to any of the questions. I would prefer answers to all of the questions but will settle for a few, or maybe one. I am really not high maintenance. Never was, so why start now. I know, I know. You don’t have to remind me or treat me like I am delusional. There is no real crystal ball or a way of knowing what the future holds. I have to accept what was, what is and what will be. I have to take all my realities, that at times I begrudgingly drag like a bag of dirty laundry, and travel to a better day where I can heal and grow. I have to have faith that God has a greater plan than the pain I have endured at the hands of emotional abuse and still feeling in therapy for the trauma and stress issues it has caused me today. These are all moments where the crystal ball would be an easy solution to a very difficult situation, but my crystal ball will have to be faith like the sun shining over the horizon every day. God knows my heart and my pain and my hopes. He will protect and guide me towards the best vision in any glorious round sphere of enlightenment.

So the lesson that I have learned in this solitude of a pandemic is to slow down and breathe in the faith that we are held in the strong arms of God and we will get through this to our own rainbows and unicorns. My crystal ball may be cracked and not working but my hope is not shattered.

Breathe Out Anxiety, Breathe In Hope. Breathe Out Worry, Breathe In Serenity. Breathe Out Fears, Breathe In Calm. Breathe Out Loneliness, Breathe In Self-Love. Breathe Out Questions, Breathe In Faith.